How to defuse unhelpful thoughts
Unhelpful thoughts can block us from living the life we want.
Do you have thoughts that stop you from doing what you really want to do?
Are you struggling with thoughts that make you feel stuck or held back?
Do you often believe negative thoughts without questioning if they are true?
✳️✳️✳️
Our thoughts have a big impact on how we feel and act. Some of these thoughts are opinions that hold us back from doing what we want or what’s important to us. Often, unhelpful beliefs are the biggest barriers to living the life we want. Here are some examples:
👉 Self-stories: The stories we tell ourselves about who we are, like “I’m an introvert,” or “I can’t do that.”
👉 Our feared self: The labels we give ourselves for traits we do not want to have, such as “I’m dishonest,” or “I’m selfish.”
👉 Self-esteem: Our judgment of our own worth, like thinking “I’m stupid,” or “I’m unlovable.”
👉 Our mindsets: Deep-seated beliefs about the nature of ourselves or the world, such as thinking our abilities are set in stone, or that we’re too old to learn new things.
👉 “Should” statements: Self-imposed unrealistic expectations, such as “I should be perfect,” or “I should always be kind.”
👉 Beliefs about others: Unhelpful assumptions about people, such as “People can’t be trusted,” or “Others always have it easier than me.”
👉 Black-and-white thinking: Seeing things in extremes, like “If I’m not the best, I’m a failure,” or “If something goes wrong, everything is ruined.”
Examples of thoughts impacting feelings and behavior
Imagine you’re invited to a party. You want to go, but you remember feeling socially awkward in the past. You think you’re bad at small talk and have nothing interesting to say. You also worry that you forget people’s names and sometimes say things that upset others without meaning to. The idea of going makes you anxious because you’re afraid you’ll feel inadequate and rejected if you can’t interact well with others. To avoid those uncomfortable feelings, you make up an excuse and decide not to go. But instead of feeling better, you spend the night at home feeling exactly the way you were trying to avoid—alone, inadequate, and rejected.
Or imagine you're in a meeting and really want to share your opinion, but some people there know more about the topic than you do. Whenever you try to speak up, you get scared, thinking you might say something stupid that will make others see you as incompetent. Your heart starts racing, and your palms get sweaty. Because of this fear, you stay quiet, don’t contribute anything to the discussion, and end up feeling bad about yourself for not speaking up. Ironically, by not speaking up, you might actually come across as less capable, which is exactly what you were trying to avoid.
The above examples share a common pattern: our thoughts evoke feelings that influence our behavior and subsequent outcomes. Negative thoughts lead to negative feelings, which can affect how we act and what we achieve. We often have a lot of negative thoughts because our minds tend to focus more on the negative than the positive. For example, thoughts like "I am socially awkward" or "I’m going to say something stupid." Having negative thoughts is normal; it’s just our mind’s way of trying to protect us from getting hurt. However, if we take these negative thoughts too seriously and believe they are true, we’ll end up acting on them. For instance, in the above examples, we might decline a party invitation or stay quiet in a meeting because of these fears.
Thoughts are not facts
It’s important to recognize that thoughts are not the same as facts. We often assume we see reality exactly as it is, but our perceptions and beliefs are shaped by factors such as our limited sensory capabilities, cognitive biases, and personal experiences. We also tend to jump to conclusions. As a result, our subjective interpretations of reality can be distorted, incomplete, or entirely false. This means our thoughts are not necessarily a reflection of the truth.
Thoughts are simply words we think inside our heads. Some are true, some are false, and some are positive, while many are negative. What’s important is whether a thought helps us create the life we want. For example, thinking "I am socially awkward" is unhelpful because it makes us feel down and doesn’t offer a way to get better. On the other hand, thinking "I will repeat people’s names when I meet them" is helpful because it gives us a clear action to improve and motivates us to make a change.
If a thought helps us create the life we want, we can choose to act on it. If a thought gets in the way of that, we should acknowledge it but not let it control our actions. Instead of trying to get rid of unhelpful thoughts or fight them—which usually doesn’t work—just let them be there without battling them. You don’t have to like these thoughts, but you should stop struggling with them and use your energy to focus on creating the life you want.
Thoughts are like leaves floating down a stream
Imagine your challenging thoughts as leaves gently drifting on a flowing stream. Instead of grabbing or wrestling with the leaves, you simply observe them as they pass by. This metaphor helps you see your thoughts as temporary and separate from yourself. By allowing them to float away, you prevent them from disrupting your journey or influencing your actions. This approach encourages you to maintain focus on your life purpose, personal values and goals, rather than getting caught up in internal struggles.
How to reduce the negative impact of unhelpful thoughts
Thoughts that hold you back often make you feel like you’re not good enough. The real issue isn’t the thoughts themselves but believing they’re true and letting them control your actions. Remember, thoughts are just words in your head and nothing more. You can lessen the negative impact of these thoughts by becoming aware of them, putting some distance between yourself and them, questioning their validity, and focusing on what truly matters to you.
The goal isn’t to get rid of, avoid, or change unhelpful thoughts, or to make yourself feel better or less anxious. Instead, it’s about recognizing these thoughts for what they are—just words—and allowing them to be present without fighting them. This is called acceptance. By accepting reality as it is and letting go of the struggle with life as it is, you can focus on taking actions that align with what matters to you. The more you accept the current reality, the better you can act to make positive changes.
⚒️ Become aware of your unhelpful thoughts
If you’re avoiding something you want to do, or if you’re feeling anxious or down, ask yourself:
🤔 What am I thinking right now?
For each thought, ask yourself:
🤔 Does this thought help me live the life I want?
🤔 Does this thought help me to be the person I want to be?
🤔 Does this thought help me build the relationships I want?
🤔 Does this thought help me take action to improve my life?
A thought is helpful if at least one of these questions has a yes answer. It’s probably not helpful if all the answers are no. When you notice a thought that isn’t helpful, try to distance yourself from it using the techniques below.
⚒️ Put some space between you and your unhelpful thoughts
Give yourself some distance from unhelpful thoughts to lessen their negative impact and control over you.
Using the techniques below will help you see thoughts as just words passing through your mind. You’ll realize that unhelpful thoughts aren’t always important or true, and you don’t automatically have to take them seriously or act on them.
You can’t learn to swim by only reading about it, you need to practice to get better. If you only read about the techniques below, they won’t help much. Try each technique for a few days whenever you have an unhelpful thought. See if it helps you take the thought a bit less seriously. This will help you figure out which techniques work for you. After using a technique, just let the thought come and go without stressing about it. Don’t expect quick results—changing how you respond to thoughts takes time.
👉 Start your thought with “I am having the thought that…”. Instead of thinking “I am socially awkward,” say “I am having the thought that I am socially awkward.”
👉 Give your thought a name. Call it something like the “socially awkward” thought or the “saying something stupid” thought. When the thought appears, acknowledge it by using its name, such as “Here’s the ‘saying something stupid’ thought again!”
👉 Add a question mark to your thoughts. Instead of “I should always be kind,” think “I should always be kind?”
👉 Thank your mind for the thought. Cheerfully say something to yourself like “Thanks, mind!” to acknowledge the thought. Your mind is just trying to protect you from getting hurt.
👉 Sing the thought to yourself. Quietly sing it to the tune of a cheerful song like “Happy Birthday” or “Happy” from Despicable Me 2.
👉 Say the thought in a funny voice. Silently repeat the thought in a cartoon character’s voice, like Bugs Bunny or SpongeBob SquarePants, or in a film character’s voice, like Gollum.
👉 Give your inner critic a name. Pick a friendly or neutral name, of a real person, a cartoon character, a film character, or any other figure you associate with criticism. For example, you might call your inner critic “Bob” or “SpongeBob.” When your inner critic speaks, acknowledge it by using its name, for example: “Oh, <inner critic name> is being negative again.”
👉 Imagine your thoughts as clouds. Picture them floating across the sky. Let them drift by without judgment or getting caught up in them, and focus on what you’re doing. When you get distracted by thoughts, gently bring your attention back to your task.
⚒️ Cognitive reframing
Cognitive reframing, also known as cognitive restructuring, is a way to change unhelpful thoughts into more positive and useful ones. For example, you can use Byron Katie's four questions and turnaround technique to challenge these thoughts. Let’s say the judgmental thought “I am an introvert” is holding you back:
🤔 Is it true? Think about situations where the idea that you’re an introvert doesn’t hold up.
🤔 Be honest with yourself and answer either “yes” or “no.”
🤔 How do you react when you think that thought? Notice if it makes you feel stressed or anxious, or if it leads you to act in ways like trying to prove you’re not an introvert and not being yourself around others.
🤔 Who would you be without the thought? Imagine how you’d feel and behave if you didn’t believe you were an introvert.
Next, turn the original thought around by thinking the opposite: “I am not an introvert”. Now consider whether this new thought is less true, just as true, or even more true for you than the original thought. Find examples in your life where the turnaround thought seems true.
After doing this a few times, you might start feeling more free from the painful thought and realize that your thinking can often distort reality.
⚒️ Act on what matters to you
Choose to act in ways that help you build the life you want.
When we’re stressed, anxious, or under the influence of unhelpful thoughts, it’s easy to fall into automatic habits that don’t serve us well. But negative thoughts and feelings don’t have to stop us from doing what’s important. While thoughts can influence us, they don’t control our actions. We can always choose how we respond because we have direct control over what we do.
A fulfilling life comes from accepting your thoughts and feelings and taking action based on what really matters to you, such as your life purpose and personal values. For example, like in the situations mentioned earlier, you can choose to go to the party or speak up in the meeting and see what happens.
If you’re not doing something you really want to do, ask yourself:
🤔 Am I following my personal values or just reacting to how I feel right now?
Additional tips
👉 Practice self-compassion: When unhelpful thoughts come up, treat yourself with kindness. Remember that everyone has negative thoughts, and it’s okay to have them. Being kind to yourself can help these thoughts affect you less.
👉 Focus on the present moment: Pay attention to what’s around you, your breathing, or how your body feels. This can help break the cycle of unhelpful thoughts and bring your focus back to what’s happening right now.
👉 Practice regular mindfulness: Doing things like meditation or deep breathing can help you notice your thoughts more and react to them less. This makes it easier to handle unhelpful thoughts when they come up.
Using these tips along with the techniques you’re already practicing can help you reduce the power of unhelpful thoughts and lead to a more balanced and fulfilling life.
References
The happiness trap, by Dr Russ Harris
