How to defuse unhelpful thoughts
Free your mind to live the life you choose.
Do you find yourself caught in thoughts that hold you back?
Do certain thoughts make you feel stuck or unsure of yourself?
Do you ever accept negative thoughts without asking if they’re true?
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Our thoughts shape how we feel and act. Some are just opinions that hold us back from doing what matters most. Unhelpful beliefs can become the biggest barriers to living the life we want. Here are some examples:
👉 Identity: The stories we tell ourselves about who we are, like “I’m an introvert,” or “I always fail.” The traits we fear or reject, such as “I’m dishonest,” or “I’m selfish.” And the judgments we make about our worth, like “I’m stupid,” or “I’m unlovable.”
👉 Mindsets: Deep-seated beliefs about ourselves or the world, such as thinking our abilities are fixed or that we’re too old to learn new things.
👉 “Should” statements: Unrealistic expectations we place on ourselves, like “I should be perfect,” or “I should always be kind.”
👉 Beliefs about others: Unhelpful assumptions, such as “People can’t be trusted,” or “Others always have it easier than me.”
👉 Black-and-white thinking: Seeing things in extremes, like “If I’m not the best, I’m a failure” or “If something goes wrong, everything is ruined.”
Examples of thoughts impacting feelings and behavior
Imagine you’re invited to a party. You want to go, but you felt socially awkward in the past. You think you’re bad at small talk and have nothing interesting to say. You worry you’ll forget people’s names or accidentally upset someone. The idea of going makes you anxious because you’re afraid of feeling inadequate or rejected. To avoid those feelings, you make an excuse and decide not to go. But instead of feeling better, you spend the night at home feeling exactly what you were trying to avoid: alone, inadequate, and rejected.
Or imagine you’re in a meeting and want to share your opinion, but some people there know more about the topic. Whenever you try to speak up, you get scared, thinking you might say something stupid and others will see you as incompetent. Your heart races, and your palms get sweaty. Because of this fear, you stay quiet, contribute nothing to the discussion, and end up feeling bad about yourself for not speaking up. Ironically, by staying silent, you might actually come across as less capable, which is exactly what you were trying to avoid.
Our thoughts shape how we feel and act. Negative thoughts naturally grab our attention and can push us to act in ways that limit what we do or achieve. Thoughts like “I am socially awkward” or “I’m going to say something stupid” are common and natural. But taking them too seriously can make us avoid opportunities or stay silent out of fear.
Thoughts are like leaves floating down a stream
Picture your thoughts as leaves drifting along a stream. You don’t need to grab them or push them away. Just watch them pass. This helps you see thoughts as temporary and separate from who you are. When you let them float by, they lose their power to pull you off course. You stay focused on what matters: your purpose, your values, your goals.
How to reduce the negative impact of unhelpful thoughts
Unhelpful thoughts often tell you that you’re not good enough. The problem isn’t having these thoughts but believing them and letting them drive your actions. Remember, thoughts are just words in your head. Nothing more. You can reduce their impact by noticing them, creating distance, questioning their truth, and focusing on what matters to you.
The goal isn’t to get rid of, avoid, or change unhelpful thoughts, or to make yourself feel better or less anxious. It’s about seeing these thoughts for what they are: just words. Let them be there without fighting them. This is acceptance. When you stop struggling with what is and start working with it, you free up energy to take actions that reflect what matters to you. The more you accept your current reality, the more effectively you can create positive change.
The ideas below are for general educational purposes and not a substitute for professional advice. If a thought causes significant distress or affects your well-being, consider talking with a licensed therapist or mental health professional for support and guidance.
⚒️ Become aware of your unhelpful thoughts
Take a moment to notice what’s going on in your mind. If you’re avoiding something you want to do or feeling anxious or low, pause and ask yourself:
🤔 What am I thinking right now?
Then, for each thought, ask:
🤔 Does this thought help me live the life I want?
🤔 Does this thought help me be the person I want to be?
🤔 Does this thought help me build the relationships I want?
🤔 Does this thought help me take action to improve my life?
A thought is helpful if you can answer yes to at least one of these questions. If all the answers are no, it’s probably not helpful. When you notice an unhelpful thought, practice creating distance from it using the techniques below.
⚒️ Recognize thoughts are not facts
Remember that thoughts are not the same as facts. Don’t believe everything you think. Some thoughts are true, some are not. What matters is whether they help you build the life you want.
For more, see: Thoughts are not facts
⚒️ Hold your thoughts lightly
Practice creating distance from unhelpful thoughts to reduce their grip. Use techniques like prefacing the thought with “I’m having the thought that…,” giving it a name, adding a question mark, thanking your mind for it, singing it to a cheerful tune, saying it in a funny voice, naming your inner critic, or picturing your thoughts as passing clouds.
For more, see: Hold your thoughts lightly.
⚒️ Question your thoughts
Use Byron Katie's four questions and turnaround technique to challenge unhelpful thoughts:
🤔 Is it true?
🤔 Can you absolutely know that it's true?
🤔 How do you react when you think that thought?
🤔 Who would you be without the thought?
Then turn the thought around toward its opposite, toward yourself, or toward the other person. Explore whether that version might also hold truth.
For more, see: Question your thoughts
⚒️ See your thoughts from the outside
Imagining yourself as an outside observer helps you step back and create emotional distance from unhelpful thoughts. Instead of thinking “I’m boring,” someone called Johnny might think “Johnny thinks he is boring.” That small shift makes it easier to question the thought and weaken its grip.
For more, see: See your thoughts from the outside
⚒️ Act on what matters to you
When you’re stressed, anxious, or under the influence of unhelpful thoughts, it’s easy to fall into automatic habits that don’t serve you well. But negative thoughts and feelings don’t have to stop you from doing what’s important. While thoughts can influence you, they don’t control your actions. You can always choose how you respond because you have direct control over what you do.
For more, see: What matters most to you right now?
Additional tips
👉 Practice self-compassion: When unhelpful thoughts arise, respond with kindness. Try saying, “I am enough just as I am.” Remind yourself that everyone has these thoughts. Self-kindness reduces their emotional impact and helps you stay focused.
👉 Focus on the present moment: Notice what you see, hear, or feel in your body. This breaks the cycle of unhelpful thoughts and grounds you in the here and now.
👉 Practice regular mindfulness: Meditation, deep breathing, or mindful pauses help you notice thoughts without reacting. Over time, this lessens their power to control your actions.
👉 Set aside “worry time”: If a thought keeps repeating, schedule a short period to think it through. When it appears outside that time, gently tell yourself, “I’ll deal with this later.” This stops repetitive thoughts from taking over your day.
👉 Challenge extreme thinking: Notice words like “always” or “never,” and check the evidence. Extreme thoughts often exaggerate reality and distort perspective.
👉 Write thoughts down: Putting thoughts on paper separates them from your mind, helps you see them clearly, and reduces their hold on you.
👉 Focus on actions, not feelings: Even when a thought or feeling lingers, take one small step toward your goal. Acting in line with your values weakens the thought’s control.
👉 Shift attention to values: Ask yourself, “What aligns with my values right now?” This moves your focus from struggle to purposeful action.
👉 Reflect on progress: At the end of the day, note moments when you noticed thoughts without getting caught up. Each time you do this, you strengthen your ability to respond calmly and stay on track.
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Notice your thoughts without letting them control you. Each time you step back, act despite them, or refocus on what matters, you weaken their grip and strengthen your connection to your purpose, values, and goals.
References
The happiness trap, by Dr Russ Harris
