How to break a bad habit through the underlying motive
You don't want the habit itself, but the better feeling it produces.
Do you have a bad habit you haven't been able to break?
A powerful way to break a bad habit is through the underlying motive.
Bad habits are regularly repeated behaviours that are harmful to you in the long run. You repeat these detrimental behaviours because they immediately give you a positive feeling, while the long-term damage is not immediately noticeable. The habit of smoking cigarettes has many adverse effects on the body in the long run, but smoking immediately rewards smokers, for example by making them feel relaxed. In the long run, routinely drinking sugary beverages contributes to obesity and chronic diseases such like 2 diabetes, but consuming these drinks immediately stimulates your brain’s reward system, making you feel good.
Every behaviour has an underlying motive, an underlying need that it satisfies. A need is a desire to improve how you feel. It is the craving to close the gap between how you feel now and how you want to feel. You may want to feel relaxed, rested, loved, valued, connected to others, entertained, accepted, socially approved, hydrated, well-fed, fit, healthy, confident, secure, safe, good or happy. You are motivated to act because of your desire to close the gap between where you are now and where you want to be.
A habit is a specific manifestation of an underlying motive. To evoke a certain feeling, you behave in the way you associate with that feeling through frequent repetition. For example, when John is stressed, he automatically lights a cigarette to feel relaxed. When Amy is thirsty, she routinely drinks a sugary beverage to feel hydrated. And when Alex gets bored he habitually grabs his mobile phone and starts mindlessly scrolling through social media to keep himself pleasantly entertained.
A habit is just a means to an end. You don't want the habit itself, but the better feeling it produces. What you really want is to improve how you feel. John doesn’t want to smoke, he wants to feel relaxed. Amy doesn’t want to drink sugary beverages, she wants to feel hydrated. Alex doesn’t want to scroll social media, he wants to feel pleasantly entertained.
Note: The blog post ‘What you think you want is not what you really want’ has a similar message: you don’t want the goal itself, but what achieving the goal will bring you.
There are many different ways to produce a particular better feeling. To feel less nervous in social situations, one person drinks alcohol while another person uses mindfulness techniques. To satisfy cravings between main meals, one person eats chips or cake, while another person eats fruit or a handful of nuts.
A bad habit is most likely not the best way to produce a particular better feeling, it's just a way someone has become accustomed to. Instead of smoking a cigarette to relieve stress, John could do a short meditation, exercise for a few minutes or take a short walk. And instead of drinking a sugary beverage to hydrate, Amy could drink water with an added slice of lemon, green tea without sugar, or a fresh vegetable juice. These healthier alternatives would provide the same improvement in the short term, with no or less negative consequences in the long term.
How can you break a bad habit?
A powerful way to break a bad habit is to use the two principles discussed in this blog post:
👉 You don't want the habit itself, but the better feeling it produces.
👉 There are many different ways to produce a particular better feeling.
Determine the underlying motive of the bad habit, choose a more helpful behaviour that satisfies the underlying need, change your perspective to make the better behaviour seem more attractive, and reinforce this behaviour until it becomes your new habit.
1️⃣ Determine the underlying motive
Find the underlying motive of the bad habit that you want to break.
As for the bad habit you want to break, ask yourself the questions below and try to answer them as specifically as possible:
🤔 What exactly am I doing?
🤔 Where and when?
🤔 Who else is present?
🤔 How does what I do make me feel right away? (the underlying motive)
Some examples:
👉 At social gatherings, I drink about six glasses of red wine to feel less anxious around people I don't know well.
👉 At home with my family, if I get a little hungry in the evening (which is almost always the case), I eat a bag of chips or a large piece of chocolate cake to satisfy my appetite.
👉 On weekdays, four times a week, on my way from the train station to the office, I pick up a donut and coffee mocha latte at my favourite coffee shop for breakfast.
2️⃣ Choose a more helpful behaviour
Once you've identified the underlying need, choose a more helpful behaviour that can meet that need.
First, make a list of more helpful behaviours that can meet the need by searching trusted sources online, reading books and listening to podcasts, or seeking advice from experts. All bad habits and their alternatives have already been researched and described by others. You can also get ideas by talking to your friends, partner or relatives. If you need additional ideas, you can use techniques such as brainstorming.
Then choose a behaviour from the list that you think will work for you and try it out for a week or two, possibly using steps 3 and 4 below. If the chosen behaviour isn’t working for you, analyse why it isn’t working, and keep trying other options from your list until you find something that works. Then make this behaviour a habit by following steps 3 and 4 below.
3️⃣ Change your perspective
You can make a habit seem more attractive by changing your perspective.
You often use the word ‘have’ when you think of good but difficult habits. I have to go to the gym. I have to eat more vegetables. I have to go to bed on time.
Change your perspective by replacing the word ‘have’ with the word ‘get’. I get to go to the gym. I get to eat more vegetables. I get to go to bed on time.
Instead of seeing these behaviours as obligations (have), you now see them as opportunities (get). Both perspectives are valid, but the second one is more helpful in building a new habit.
You can also change your perspective by highlighting the benefits of habits rather than their drawbacks. Instead of associating going to the gym with the time and energy it takes, emphasise the strength and endurance you are building. Instead of associating eating vegetables with their bitter taste, highlight the health effects, such as a reduced risk of heart disease and stroke.
4️⃣ Reinforce the new behaviour
Reinforce the new behaviour until it becomes your new habit.
We like to repeat behaviours that immediately make us feel good, and avoid behaviours that immediately make us feel bad. We seek pleasure and avoid pain. We can make the new behaviour more attractive by associating it with a positive experience through reinforcement.
Associate the new behaviour with a positive feeling by celebrating it immediately after you do it. Celebrate it in a way that makes you feel good, such as saying something to yourself, smiling, or making a certain gesture. For example, say to yourself “Good job!” and give yourself a thumbs up in the mirror. You can also occasionally reward yourself right after behaving in the new way, such as by saving some money or eating a piece of dark chocolate. Make sure the reward aligns with your life purpose and personal values.
The more steps you take in the right direction, the more you reinforce the desired behaviour.
References
Atomic Habits, by James Clear
