Defusion

Thoughts are words inside our heads, images are pictures inside our heads, sensations are feelings inside our bodies.

In ACT it’s not about thoughts being true or false, or positive or negative. It’s about whether they help us create the life we want. We often react to thoughts as if they are important and true. Defusion is about creating distance between you and your unhelpful thoughts. Defusion makes you see thoughts for what they really are: just words passing through your mind. You can let difficult thoughts be there without actively fighting them.

Some defusion techniques to help you deal with unhelpful thoughts:

• Insert in front of the thought the phrase ‘I’m having the thought that…’.

• Sing the thought to yourself to the tune of a happy song like ‘Happy Birthday’.

• Give your negative stories a name, like ‘the loser story’, and acknowledge them by using their name.

• Thank your mind cheerfully by saying something to yourself like ‘Thanks, mind!’.

• Pick an animated cartoon character, and in your mind let it ‘say’ the thought.  

• Just notice your thoughts and your reactions to them, as if you’re a scientist observing your own mind. Notice your thoughts come and go.

The more tightly we hold on to our beliefs, the more inflexible we become in our attitude and behaviours. Pay attention to what is actually happening, rather than believing what your mind says. Ask yourself: Does this thought help me make the most out of life?  

Defusion is an acceptance strategy. In ACT the aim is to accept unpleasant thoughts and feelings, rather than try to get rid of or dominate them. This doesn’t mean you have to like these thoughts and feelings. It means you stop struggling with them, and use your energy for creating the life you want. Acceptance is about acknowledging reality as it is, and letting go of the struggle with life as it is in this moment. The more fully you accept reality, the more effectively you can take action to change it.

A full and meaningful life is the result of accepting your thoughts and feelings, and taking action guided by your personal values.

Only believe thoughts that are helpful, and don't cling too much to your beliefs. Defuse thoughts that are unhelpful.

The thinking self (the mind) is the part of you that thinks, judges, compares, remembers, and analyses. The observing self is the part of you that is responsible for focus, attention and awareness. It can register your experience directly, as well as observe your thoughts.

Let your thoughts come and go in the background, while keeping your attention on what you are doing. A technique that can help with this is: Take ten slow and deep breaths, focus on your breathing, and let thoughts come and go in the background. When your attention gets distracted by thoughts, gently refocus it on your breathing. You can learn to get distracted less often by your thoughts, to recognise faster when you are distracted, and to get better at coming back from distraction.

Frightening images and visual memories are only harmless pictures passing through your mind. Don’t internally fight them or try to avoid them. Only pay attention to them if they are useful. Contact a licensed therapist if your memories are traumatic. If any technique seems inappropriate to you, don’t do it.

• Place your unpleasant image on an imaginary television screen, and play around with it. For instance flip it upside down, stretch it or play it in slow motion. Add humorous subtitles, or a musical soundtrack. Change the film genre to a Western or a soap opera.

• Visualise the image in different places, for instance on the T-shirt of a runner, or on the banner behind an aeroplane.

• Say to yourself ‘I’m having the image of…’ or ‘I’m having the memory of…’.

• Name your unpleasant images or memories, like ‘The nasty rejection memory!’

Emotions can incline us to act in certain ways, but can’t control our behaviour. We can consciously choose our responses, as we directly control our actions. Emotions are like the weather: always present and continually changing.

When an emotion is triggered by a significant event, our mind evaluates the event to be beneficial or harmful, our body prepares for fight-or-flight or approach-and-explore, and our mind labels our bodily sensations as fear or joy.  

In order to protect us, our mind sees potential danger almost everywhere.

Resisting difficult feelings generates unhelpful secondary emotions. For instance you become angry or anxious by resisting your anxiety. These secondary emotions can trigger even more unhelpful emotions. Resistance leads to a vicious cycle of amplification.

Not resisting difficult feelings keeps the anxiety at a natural level. 

What was your childhood programming regarding emotions? Which emotions were considered desirable or undesirable? What ideas from your childhood are you still carrying around today?

Don’t judge your feelings, just see feelings for what they are: a stream of changing sensations and urges passing through your body. ‘Bad’ is just a thought. Become aware of the judging process by labelling judgements as such: ‘I’m making the judgement that…’.

Unpleasant feelings are intensified when you ask yourself questions like: Why am I feeling like this? What’s wrong with me? Or when you mind makes comments like: I can’t handle this. I shouldn’t feel like this.

Your own direct experience is more reliable than all the stories you’ve been told. Trust your own experience.

Connection

All too often our thoughts distract us from where we are and what we’re doing in the moment. We spend a lot of time worrying about the future, rehashing the past, and judging the present moment. Connection means being fully aware of your here-and-now experience, and being interested in and open to that experience. The power to act only exists here and now.

We resist things only when our thinking self tells us they shouldn’t be as they are, that reality is in the wrong. Only the thinking self gets bored, because boredom is a thought process.

Use all your senses (see, hear, touch, taste and smell) in the next connection exercises.

• Take an ordinary object like a book, and investigate it as if you are an alien from another planet.

• Connect with your body, connect with your breathing, notice the sounds you can hear, notice five objects you can see.

• Pick a pleasant or unpleasant activity and totally focus on what you are doing.

The more we resist unpleasant situations, the more we generate unpleasant thoughts and feelings. Put aside the judgements of the thinking self and pay attention to the direct experience.

Be willing to accept the discomfort that accompanies change.

ACT is about creating a meaningful life through accepting our internal experience, being fully engaged in the present moment, and taking actions that are consistent with our values. The bottom line in ACT is always the same: Does this help me create the life I want? If anything helps you create the life you want, then make use of it.

Your own experience beats someone else’s advice.

Slow, deep breathing reduces the level of tension in your body. To be able to breath in properly, you need to first breathe out fully. To connect with the present moment: take several slow and deep breaths without forcing the in-breath, and focus your attention on your breathing and/or your environment and/or your body and/or your thoughts.

When you’re in a crisis start by taking a few slow and deep breaths, notice what’s happening and think about what effective action you can take.  Allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling.

We need to use factual descriptions instead of judgements to help us connect to what is actually happening.

Observing self

What do you most dislike about yourself?

Self-esteem is an opinion that you hold about what sort of person you are. Self-esteem is not a fact, it’s a judgement, it’s a story about who you are. See judgements for what they are – words and pictures – and let them come and go without struggle. All you need to do is to live by your values. Self-acceptance means being okay with who you are.

Observe what you are currently thinking. Who is doing the observing? Observe the position that your body is in right now. Who is doing the observing? The observing self is the place from which you observe thoughts, feelings, sensations, actions etcetera. You can think of the observing self as being like the sky, while thoughts and sensations are like the weather. When you observe the observing, you are the observing self.

Values

Fyodor Dostoyevsky: The secret of man’s being is not only to live, but to have something to live for.

What makes your life worth living? What is important to you? What sort of person do you want to be?

Values are about how we want to be, and what we want to stand for. When you live by your values, you experience that life can be rich, full and meaningful, even when bad things happen.  Living by your values is an ongoing process that doesn’t reach an end. A goal is a desired result that can be completed, so goals ultimately reach an end. Wanting to feel a certain way is a goal, not a value.

Friedrich Nietzsche: He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.

Values are what gives your life purpose, meaning and passion. There can be a big difference between what we value doing and what we are actually doing.

Imagine you’re 80 years old. Finish the following sentences:

I've wasted too much time worrying about...

I spent too little time doing things like…

If I could go back in time, I would…

Deep down inside, what do you really want?

How do you want to behave? What personal qualities would you like to show?

What sort of relative / partner / friend / worker / employer do you want to be?

The only aspect of a relationship you have control over is the way you behave.

It’s important to use your values to guide your actions.

Which are your most important values? Which of them are you actively living by?

If you didn’t need to please or impress anyone, what would you do with your life and what sort of person would you want to be?

Making it clear what you value is one of the most important things you will ever do in your life. Sometimes you’ll need to focus more on one value than another.

Committed values

A rich, full and meaningful life is created by taking action in line with your values. In which area of ​​your life do you least behave according to your values? Determine the values ​​you are going to work on. Set an immediate, specific goal. What is the smallest, easiest thing you can do today that is consistent with these values? Set some short-term goals for the next few weeks, some medium-range goals for the next few months, and some long-term goals for the next few years. Always set goals guided by your values. Once you’ve identified your goals, break them down into an action plan and write the plan down. 

Never set as your goal something that a dead person can do better than you.

Vividly visualise yourself taking effective action to achieve your goal, and making room for whatever thoughts and feelings show up.

A values-focused life is always more fulfilling than a goals-focused life, because you appreciate the journey while working towards your goals. Living according to your values ​​gives you satisfaction in every moment. Being values-focused makes you more motivated to pursue your goals.

How will achieving this goal enable you to do what’s truly meaningful to you? Keep asking this question until you reach the underlying core value. You can start living by this value right now. Take a small action right now that is consistent with this value.

We unfortunately take the wonderful things around us for granted. Mindfulness skills help you make the most of your life.

The four major obstacles to change are FEAR:

F – Fusion with unhelpful thoughts. The solution is using defusion skills.

E – Expectations that are unrealistic. The solution is to break down goals into smaller ones.

A – Avoidance of uncomfortable feelings. The solution is true acceptance of your feelings.

R – Remoteness from your values. The solution is to connect with your values.

Henry James: Until you try, you don’t know what you can’t do.

Make your choices based on what you truly care about. Reasons are just excuses: things we say to justify what we do (or don’t do). Many of us don’t act on our values for long periods of time. What thoughts, feelings, sensations and urges are you willing to endure in order to complete your goal? Whenever you let an obstacle stop you, your life gets smaller. If you overcome it, your life gets bigger.

Commitment means that when you stumble, you pick yourself up, and carry on in the direction you want to go. If at first you don’t succeed, try again; and if it still isn’t working, try something different. Making mistakes is part of being human and an essential part of any learning process. Persistence makes achieving your goals likelier, but success is never guaranteed. You can feel anxious and uncertain, and still act in line with your values.

Success in life means living by your values. This means you can be successful right now. And that you are free from the need for other people’s approval. Every painful life situation gives us a chance to grow.

The basic ACT formula:

A = Accept your internal experience and be present in the here and now

C = Choose a valued direction. What can I do right now that is truly meaningful or important?

T = Take action

ACT can help you rise to the Serenity Challenge: Develop the courage to solve those problems that can be solved, the serenity to accept those problems that can’t be solved and the wisdom to know the difference.

No matter what sort of situation you encounter, there are only two sensible courses of action: accept it, or take effective action to improve it.

Focus on what’s in your control. Two things are in your control: your actions and your attention. It makes sense to put your energy mainly into action and attention. Do what you value and engage yourself fully in what you’re doing.