How to reduce the impact of unpleasant feelings
Unpleasant feelings can stop you from doing what you want or think is important.
How often do negative feelings hold you back from doing what you want or what’s important to you?
Are you tired from dealing with negative emotions all the time?
Do you wish you were better at managing difficult emotions?
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Emotions and feelings
Emotions are a stream of constantly changing sensations in our body, like a fast heartbeat, quick breathing, chest tightness, dry mouth, a knotted stomach, or sweating. They are triggered by something inside us, like a memory, or something around us, and they usually pass quickly. We experience emotions all the time, even if we don't always notice them.
Feelings come from how we think about our emotions and the meaning we give to these physical sensations. Different people can feel differently in the same situation because of what they think about their emotions and the context or circumstances they're in. Our feelings are shaped by the stories we tell ourselves, which aren't always true. These stories can be about our personality, self-esteem, ideal self, or feared self. For example, if you feel a knot in your stomach and sweaty palms at a party, you might label it as anxiety because you don't know anyone there, while someone else might label it as excitement about meeting new people. Or, if you see a snake and think it's dangerous, you feel scared; if someone else thinks it's safe, they feel calm.
When our mind judges an event (like the party above) as good or helpful, we feel a pleasant feeling that we label as positive. Examples include happiness, joy, satisfaction, gratitude, awe, and excitement. When our mind judges an event as bad or harmful, we feel an unpleasant feeling that we label as negative. Examples include sadness, anger, fear, anxiety, guilt, boredom, shame, envy, contempt, disgust, disappointment, and frustration.
Negative interpretation bias
Someone with a negative interpretation bias tends to view situations and behaviors in a pessimistic way. For instance, if they see someone smiling, they might assume the person is mocking or laughing at them, instead of seeing the smile as a gesture of friendliness or kindness. Similarly, if they receive a neutral comment from a coworker, they might interpret it as criticism or disapproval, rather than taking it at face value. Low self-esteem can play a significant role in this, as individuals who lack confidence are more likely to expect negative judgments from others. This negative perspective can lead to unnecessary stress and misunderstandings in social interactions.
Fighting unpleasant feelings (resistance)
We often try to avoid, suppress, or get rid of unpleasant feelings because we prefer feeling good and want to avoid discomfort. However, this approach is counterproductive. The more we try to escape or fight these difficult feelings, the more they tend to come back, which can trap us in a cycle of more and more unpleasant feelings.
For example, if you’re feeling anxious about a difficult situation, you might really dislike this feeling and try hard to avoid it. This struggle can make you feel even worse: you might get sad and think, “Why am I always so anxious?” You might become more anxious, thinking, “Feeling anxious is bad for my health!” Or you might feel ashamed, believing, “Only people with emotional defects feel anxious.” You could even feel all these negative emotions at once and think, “I am such a loser!” And then you might feel anxious or angry about that! These secondary negative feelings add to your stress and drain your energy. If you don’t address the growing anxiety, it could eventually lead to full-blown panic.
If we don't want to feel unpleasant emotions (often without realizing it), we'll do whatever we can to avoid, suppress, or get rid of them to feel better. We might try to numb these feelings with alcohol or drugs, which can lead to addictions. We might overeat, which can cause obesity. We might smoke, scroll through social media, or go shopping to distract ourselves. Or we might avoid challenges just to escape the anxiety they bring.
Doing this occasionally isn’t usually a problem, but it becomes an issue when done too much. It can end up making your life worse. For example, if you feel bad about being overweight and eat a lot of chocolate to feel better, it can cause weight gain, making you feel even worse than before. This might lead to eating even more chocolate, creating a harmful cycle.
Fighting unpleasant feelings is like trying to hold an inflatable beach ball underwater. As long as we keep pushing it down, it stays under. But as soon as we let go, the ball shoots up forcefully. While we're busy keeping the ball underwater, we miss out on everything else around us and can't swim or enjoy being in the water.
Not fighting unpleasant feelings (acceptance)
If we stop fighting unpleasant feelings and just let them be, they won’t cause us as much trouble. Even though we might not like them, we save ourselves from extra suffering by not wasting energy trying to fight them or excessively numbing or distracting ourselves. This way, our feelings can come and go naturally, depending on the situation.
Not fighting unpleasant feelings is like letting a beach ball float beside us while we swim or relax in the water.
We are not made to be happy all the time
Our brains haven’t evolved to keep us happy all the time. It’s normal to feel upset or sad sometimes, like when things go wrong or people upset us. Having these feelings doesn’t mean something is wrong with us or that we’re weak. There’s no need to be ashamed or hide them. It’s okay to feel not okay now and then. You don’t need to fix yourself. You can handle any negative feelings that come up because they can’t harm you or ruin your life.
How to reduce the impact of unpleasant feelings
We can lessen the impact of unpleasant feelings by not judging them, making room for them, and focusing on what matters most to us.
⚒️ Let go of your judgments about your feelings
Let go of your judgements about your feelings to avoid fighting with them.
Our minds label feelings as good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant, positive or negative. If we think a feeling is good, we try to experience it more often. If we think it’s bad, we try to avoid or get rid of it. But feelings aren’t good or bad—they’re just feelings. We should let go of these judgments and see feelings for what they really are: our interpretation of the ever-changing physical sensations in our bodies.
All judgments about good and bad are just thoughts. If we believe the thought that a certain feeling is bad, we’ll want to fight or avoid that feeling. But thoughts are just words in our heads, nothing more. We can’t stop judging, but we can lessen the impact of unhelpful judgments by creating some distance between ourselves and those judgments.
👉 Lessen the impact of unhelpful judgments by adding the phrase “I am making the judgment that…” before them. For example, instead of thinking “This anxiety is bad,” you would think “I am making the judgment that this anxiety is bad.” This helps you become aware that you’re judging.
👉 You can also quietly say to yourself, "Judging," and then let go of the judgment.
⚒️ Make space for your feelings
Make space for your unpleasant feelings so they can come and go freely.
Unpleasant feelings often make our bodies tense up, causing our muscles to tighten and our posture to become closed off, with arms and legs pulled in, shoulders hunched, and head down. To reduce this tension and the emotional pressure it causes, we need to make space for our feelings to move freely. Fighting or avoiding them keeps them trapped, but being open to them gives them space.
To open up, we need to notice our physical sensations (emotions) directly, seeing them as they are, not just through our interpretations (feelings). The more you practice this, the easier it will get.
1️⃣ Find a comfortable position, either sitting or lying down, and close your eyes if you like. Scan your body from head to toe and notice any uncomfortable sensations, like tightness in your chest, a knot in your stomach, or a racing heartbeat. Pick the one that bothers you the most and observe it with curiosity, like a scientist. Ask yourself: Where is it located? What is its form? What does it feel like? Is it light or heavy? Warm or cold? Still or moving?
2️⃣ Take slow, deep breaths and imagine your breath moving into and around the uncomfortable sensation, as if you’re making more space for it in your body.
3️⃣ While you’re deep breathing, don’t try to get rid of the sensation or change it. Instead, relax around it and let it be there, without fighting it, even if you don’t like it. If your mind wanders, just bring your focus back to your breathing. Keep breathing into and around the sensation until you stop struggling with it.
Repeat this technique for other sensations that bother you, or bring your focus back to the present moment and keep doing what matters to you.
⚒️ Act in line with what is important to you
Consciously act in ways that help you create the life you want, no matter how you feel.
Let’s say you usually go to the gym on Tuesday nights because staying fit and healthy is important to you. But after a tough day at work and a quarrel with your partner, you don't feel like going. Will you act based on your feelings, or will you stick to what matters to you? Or think about how you believe it's important to speak up in meetings, but every time you want to say something, you're scared it might sound stupid. Will you let your fear stop you, or will you act on what matters to you?
When we experience a particular feeling, we tend to act in a way that matches that feeling. A tendency means we are more likely to do something, but it doesn't mean we have to. Our feelings don’t control what we do—we can choose to act differently. For example, when we're angry, we might feel like yelling and clenching our fists, but we can choose to speak calmly and keep our hands relaxed.
Since we can control our actions, we can still do things that matter, no matter how we feel. Acting on what’s important to us is rewarding, even if it means facing our fears. Living by our values will bring both pleasant and unpleasant feelings. You can’t have one without the other. That’s why it’s important to accept the unpleasant feelings instead of trying to fight them.
The main question to ask yourself is always:
🤔 What can I do right now to move closer to the life I want?
Additional tips
👉 Practice self-compassion: Recognize that everyone experiences difficult feelings, and it's okay to feel this way. Instead of being harsh or critical, treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a good friend.
👉 Use mindfulness techniques: Focus on the present moment rather than getting caught up in negative thoughts about the past or future. This can help prevent your feelings from spiraling.
👉 Zooming out: Imagine viewing your situation from a distance, like from a bird’s-eye view. This helps you see the bigger picture and reduces the emotional impact of intense feelings.
👉 Feelings are not facts: Remind yourself that just because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean it’s true. For example, feeling unlovable doesn’t mean you are.
👉 Focus on what you can control: Focus on what you can do to improve your situation, even if it's something small. Taking action can help reduce feelings of helplessness. Accept that some things are out of your control and focus on how you respond to them instead.
👉 Set realistic expectations: When we set goals or anticipate outcomes that are not feasible, we set ourselves up for disappointment when reality doesn’t match our expectations. This misalignment between what we hoped for and what actually happens can lead to feelings of frustration and dissatisfaction.
References
The happiness trap, by Dr Russ Harris
The Important Difference Between Emotions and Feelings, Psychology Today, by Rachel Allyn Ph.D.
