How to let your thoughts come and go
Let your thoughts come and go while keeping your attention on what you’re doing.
Is your performance sometimes negatively affected by unhelpful thoughts running through your head?
Then read on to learn how you can let these unwanted thoughts come and go in the background while keeping your attention on what you’re doing.
The thinking self and the observing self
To learn to let your thoughts pass you by, it is useful to differentiate between two different parts of yourself: the thinking self and the observing self.
The thinking self is the part of you that is responsible for thinking. It is commonly referred to as ‘the mind.’ It is the part of you that thinks about your experiences. It produces a stream of ever-changing thoughts. It has the ability to carry out thought processes such as planning, judging, comparing, analysing, remembering, and fantasising.
The observing self is the part of you that is responsible for observing. It’s the place from which you observe your thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, images, sounds, smells and tastes. It focuses your attention and observes your experiences directly, without anything in between. It sees things as they are, without judgment or criticism because it cannot think. All it does is observe. You only know what you think, feel, sense and do because this part of you observes this.
For example, if you are driving a car and all your attention is focused on the traffic around you, then this is your observing self at work. You are observing the traffic, not thinking about it. If thoughts pop up like ‘Why is that car driving so close behind me?’ or ‘Merging onto highways makes me anxious,’ then this is your thinking self at work. If your observing self pays attention to your thoughts, it is not totally focused on the traffic around you and your driving performance will be negatively affected.
Or suppose you are looking at a beautiful painting. You are registering the colours, lines and shapes without thoughts going through your head. This is your observing self at work. But it won’t be long before your thinking self starts generating thoughts like ‘The painter skilfully uses colour contrasts and linear perspective to create the illusion of depth. His paintings are worth a fortune nowadays. Let me take a picture.’ If your observing self starts paying attention to these thoughts, you lose the direct contact with the painting.
The observing self is like the sky, and thoughts and feelings are like the weather. The sky is always the same, but the weather is constantly changing. The sky has room for all types of weather, no matter how bad they are. Not even severe thunderstorms or hurricanes can damage or change the sky. The sky is always there, even if it is completely obscured by clouds.
Your critical commentator
While you are awake, your thinking self produces thoughts almost non-stop. They come and go continuously. Your thinking self is like a sports commentator providing real-time commentary on a game. In this case, your life is the game and you continuously hear his running commentary.
Because of your built-in negativity bias (see References section for link to details), your sports commentator is highly critical of you and your performance. He doubts whether you are good enough. Occasionally he mentions something positive, but not very often. He dramatically highlights everything you do wrong, regularly reminds you of past mistakes and paints a bleak picture of your future.
The more you believe this negative commentary to be true, the more miserable and unworthy you will feel.
Stop paying attention to the commentator
Unfortunately, you can’t get rid of your internal critical commentator. He will never stop making unpleasant comments because that’s his job. If you try to stop him, he will speak louder. The same thing happens if you try to drown him out by talking loudly over him. And if you actively try not to listen to him, you will hear him even more.
However, you can learn to stop paying attention to what your commentator is saying. You can learn to let your thoughts come and go, viewing them as a kind of background noise. Thoughts are just words that pass through your head. Your observing self doesn’t need to pay attention to them, as they are not necessarily important or true.
Related: My blog post ‘How to reduce the impact of unhelpful thoughts’ provides several techniques to create distance between you and your unhelpful thoughts (See References section for link).
Let your thoughts come and go
Letting your thoughts come and go in the background while keeping your attention on what you are doing is a useful skill because it allows you to focus your time and energy on taking action to create the life you want.
Suppose you’re at a party and your observing self pays attention to unhelpful thoughts like ‘I feel terrible at this party. I don’t know anyone here and I’m bad at small talk.’ Or suppose in football just before you are about to take a penalty your observing self pays attention to unwanted thoughts such as 'I missed the last one. If I fail now, I'll let the whole team down again.’ It's difficult to achieve your desired outcomes if your observing self is focused on your thoughts rather than the task at hand.
The following technique teaches you how to let your thoughts come and go in the background while keeping your attention on what you are doing. Read the instructions below and then try it.
⚒️ Focus on your breathing
Optional preparation: Set a timer for two to three minutes. Sit or lie down in a comfortable position. Relax your body, especially your shoulders and neck. Close your eyes if this helps you focus better.
Breathe slowly and deeply for two to three minutes, preferably through your nose. Empty your lungs with each exhale. Focus your full attention on your breathing. Notice the air flowing in and out of your nose. Feel your chest rising and falling. Notice your belly expanding and contracting. This is your observing self at work.
Let your thoughts come and go in the background. This is your thinking self at work. Your thoughts are like clouds floating through the sky, or like people walking by your house. When a new thought pops up, it can be helpful to briefly acknowledge its presence by silently saying to yourself ‘Thinking’. As you do this, keep focusing your attention on your breathing.
Occasionally your attention will be hijacked by your thoughts. This makes you lose track of your breathing. The moment you realise your attention has been hijacked, gently return your attention to your breathing.
⚒️⚒️⚒️
The aim of practicing this technique regularly is to learn and improve three useful skills:
👉 How to let thoughts come and go in the background without focusing your attention on them, so your attention is less likely to be hijacked.
👉 Recognise faster when your attention is hijacked by your thoughts.
👉 Get better at gently refocusing your attention once you realise it has been hijacked.
Note that you have not tried to change, avoid or get rid of unhelpful thoughts. You simply let them come and go.
You can practice this technique anytime you have some time (just make sure you do it safely). For example, while your computer is starting up, in line at the supermarket, or during a short break between activities. Even practicing for a few breaths can be useful. If you really want to master this, also take five minutes twice a day to practice this technique.
References
The happiness trap, by Dr Russ Harris
Negativity bias: Why you are addicted to bad news, A3 Life Design, by Adrie Kuil, https://www.a3lifedesign.com/blog-english/how-to-counteract-the-negativity-bias
How to reduce the impact of unhelpful thoughts, A3 Life Design, by Adrie Kuil, https://www.a3lifedesign.com/blog-english/how-to-reduce-the-impact-of-unhelpful-thoughts
