Focus on what you can control
Identify what you can and cannot control, and focus your efforts on what you can control.
What things are you most concerned about?
Which of these are beyond your control?
What actions can you take to address the things within your control?
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You can distinguish three categories of things:
👉 Things that affect you and may concern you but are beyond your control (Circle of Concern) include factors like age, the past, life’s uncertainties, weather, economic trends, natural disasters, pandemics, and government decisions. These are external factors or facts of life that you cannot change. They exist independently of your influence.
👉 Things you can influence but not control (Circle of Influence) include outcomes like others’ opinions, others' behavior, your success, income, and health. While your actions can affect these outcomes, they are also shaped by external factors such as unexpected events, diseases, others' actions, or natural disasters.
👉 Things you have control over (Circle of Control) include your actions, choices, decisions, judgments, priorities, values, goals, principles, attitudes, and mindsets. You can consciously and intentionally shape these aspects of yourself. For example, you can choose how to respond to situations, interact with others, manage your time, and prioritize tasks and goals. You can also make intentional decisions about your physical and emotional health, work, and relationships.
For example, if you're preparing to run a marathon, you can't control the weather on race day, the crowded starting lines, or the performance of other runners. However, you can control your training schedule, nutrition, mental preparation, and pace management during the race. Similarly, when developing a new product, you have control over its design, features, pricing, and marketing strategy. However, you can't control the products developed by competitors or whether people will buy your product.
Focus your time and energy on what you can control
Focusing on things you can't control wastes time and energy because you can't change them. Worrying about or resisting situations beyond your control, like past failures or future uncertainties, causes stress, anxiety, and feelings of powerlessness. Mentally resisting unchangeable circumstances is pointless since you always lose the fight against reality. Accept uncontrollable factors as facts of life. Don't let them upset, frustrate, or distract you. Avoid complaining about them, and accept them exactly as they are.
While you can't change the facts of life, you can take them into account and choose to avoid them when possible or control how you respond to them. For example, you can't control the weather, but you can limit its impact by wearing appropriate clothing or planning outdoor activities based on the weather forecast. Similarly, you can't prevent natural disasters, but you can take proactive measures by being prepared for emergencies.
The energy spent on things you can't control detracts from what you can influence. Focus your time and energy on areas where you can take action to improve your situation. By concentrating on what you can control, you reduce stress and anxiety and transform feelings of helplessness into empowerment.
Focusing on what you can control is a key principle of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). This psychotherapy approach emphasizes mindfulness, accepting difficult thoughts and feelings, and committing to actions aligned with your values. It is also essential for designing your life, allowing you to intentionally shape your circumstances, goals and actions to create a life that reflects your life purpose and personal values.
Define success in terms of what you can control
Your definition of success should focus on what you can control. Outcomes, like winning or losing a game, are beyond your control, so don’t judge yourself solely on those results. Instead, evaluate whether you made the most with what you had available, acted in alignment with your life purpose and personal values, and learned from the experience, regardless of the outcome. If you’ve done that, you’ve achieved success, because that’s all you could do.
For example, instead of defining success by a specific number of social media followers, define it as using social media to provide value to others and build meaningful connections. Similarly, rather than viewing success as getting promoted, define it as consistently doing your best and focusing on continuous professional growth.
Techniques to help you focus on what you can control
Cultivating the ability to focus on what you can control is crucial for reducing unnecessary stress and anxiety. It fosters a sense of empowerment and helps you direct your resources toward actions that align with your needs and goals, life purpose and personal values. Here are some techniques to enhance your focus on what you can control.
⚒️ Become aware of the things you cannot control
Becoming aware of what you can’t control is vital for developing emotional intelligence and maintaining mental well-being. When you feel frustrated, powerless, anxious, or worried about a situation, ask yourself:
🤔 Is this something I can control?
🤔 Can I take action on this?
If you can take action, do what’s necessary. If not, accept it as a fact of life and redirect your energy toward something you can influence.
⚒️ Accept the things you cannot control
Once you recognize that you have no control over something you wish were different, accept it as it is. This might mean coming to terms with the fact that someone you love may never love you back, that you have a chronic illness, or that you can't change a past decision you regret.
Pay attention to when you mentally resist accepting what cannot be changed. This mental resistance can manifest in various ways, and being aware of these symptoms can help you recognize it more clearly:
👉 You often dwell on what you wish were different.
👉 You feel emotions like frustration, anxiety, worry, anger, or powerlessness.
👉 Your body tenses up, or you experience headaches.
👉 You avoid dealing with issues that make you uncomfortable.
👉 You blame others or external circumstances for problems.
👉 Your mind keeps returning to a problem without making progress toward acceptance or resolution.
Recognizing these symptoms can help you pause, acknowledge your mental resistance, and fully accept what you cannot change. This is not a one-time action but an ongoing practice. Embracing acceptance can relieve you from the burden of mental resistance and free up mental energy to focus on what you can take action on.
⚒️ Defuse unhelpful thoughts
Focusing on what you can’t control can lead to unhelpful thoughts, such as:
👉 “I shouldn’t have made that mistake; it’s ruining my life.” — You can’t change past actions.
👉 “What if something terrible happens? I can’t handle it.” — You can’t control future uncertainties.
👉 “I’m too old to pursue my dreams; it’s too late for me.” — You can’t control your age.
Defuse unhelpful thoughts to lessen their negative impact. Defusion techniques create distance between you and these thoughts. For example, you can start with the phrase "I am having the thought that..." before stating the unhelpful thought. You might also thank your mind for the thought in a cheerful way, as it's just trying to protect you. Alternatively, try singing the thought to a cheerful tune or saying it in a funny cartoon character voice.
Defusion helps you recognize thoughts as just words passing through your mind. By accepting unpleasant thoughts instead of fighting them, you reduce your struggle and free up mental energy to focus on what you can take action on.
⚒️ Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness techniques, such as meditation and deep breathing, can help you stay present by directing your attention to bodily sensations, your breath, or your surroundings. This practice fosters non-judgmental awareness of your thoughts and emotions, enabling you to observe them without becoming overwhelmed by worries or distractions.
By regularly practicing mindfulness, you can build greater resilience to stress, improve emotional regulation, and enhance clarity of thought. This helps prevent your mind from wandering into worries about things beyond your control, allowing you to focus on actionable steps you can take in the present to address challenges or pursue your goals.
References
Minimizing Pain, Maximizing Joy, Hidden Brain, Shankar Vedantam, featuring William Irvine
Understanding the Circles of Influence, Concern, and Control, PositivePsychology, Anna Katharina Schaffner, Ph.D.
Directing Your Focus with Stoicism and CBT, Psychology Today, Jessica Koehler Ph.D.
Stop Trying to Control Everything and Focus on What You Can Change, Psychology Today, Amanda Stuckey Dodson, LCSW
4 Things We Can’t Control and Need to Accept, Psychology Today, Leah Aguirre LCSW
Psychological Tricks to Help You Stop Worrying, Psychology Today, Amy Morin
How to Stop Worrying About Things You Can't Change, Psychology Today, Amy Morin
We Can Only Control Ourselves, Psychology Today, Robert Puff Ph.D.
