What you think you want is not what you really want
How to get from what you think you want to what you really want.
Do you think you truly know what you want?
What if your current goals are not the best way to give you what you want?
Do you distinguish between superficial desires and deep-seated needs?
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To live a fulfilling and meaningful life, it is crucial to understand what you truly want, which often differs from what you think you want. If you’re eager to discover what you really want, grab a pen and a piece of paper or open an electronic document, and write down your answer to the following question:
🤔 What do I really want?
Write a sentence like: What I really want is [fill in the blank] and … and [fill in the blank].
Don’t overthink it, just jot down one or more wants that come to mind.
Don't read any further until you have written down your wants.
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The answers people give to this question usually consist of one or more goals:
🎯 What I really want is… to be a millionaire in five years, get married before I’m thirty, retire when I’m fifty, buy a bigger house next year, travel the world in three years.
Goals and real wants
A goal is something we want to achieve within a certain time frame. Once we reach a goal, it’s no longer a goal. Goals are important for a fulfilling and meaningful life because they give direction and energy to our actions. Without knowing where we want to go, we end up drifting aimlessly through life. But goals aren't what we really want. What we truly want is what achieving the goal will bring us and what it will enable us to do. Goals are just a way to help us fulfill our real desires. For example, we might think we want to get married, but what we really want is a deep connection with a partner. Or we might think we want to become a millionaire, but what we really want is to feel financially secure.
Real wants are about what matters to us. They represent the reasons behind our goals and the kind of person we need to become to achieve them. Our needs and personal values reflect what is most important and meaningful to us, and the kind of person we aspire to be. Unlike goals, values are not limited by time and never come to an end. Examples of personal values include being a loving parent, taking care of our health, respecting others, being true to ourselves, mentoring others, and connecting with nature.
To live a fulfilling and meaningful life, our goals should reflect our personal values. What we truly want is to live in harmony with these values and become the person we want to be. If a goal doesn’t match our values, it can lead us away from our true desires and the kind of person we aspire to be.
There are many ways to fulfill a real want
A real want can be fulfilled in many different ways. Achieving our current goal is just one way, and it might not be the best option. By understanding the true reason behind a goal—the underlying why—we can explore other ways to achieve that desire and choose the one that’s easiest or most effective. If we struggle with reaching a goal, knowing our real want helps us find alternative ways to fulfill it.
Many of us think we can’t be happy until we achieve our goals, which can make life feel pretty miserable. However, living by our personal values can bring us fulfillment right away. For example, if Susan is unhappy because she is still single and really wants a loving partner, she’s focusing on a goal rather than a real want. When she reflects on what achieving this goal would really mean to her, she realizes she values being caring. She can start working on this right away by being more caring toward herself, her family, and her friends. This doesn’t mean she’ll stop looking for a loving partner, but she doesn’t have to wait for a partner to experience the fulfillment of being caring.
Let’s look at another example. Forty-year-old John works long hours because he wants to save enough money to retire by fifty. The long hours are making him grumpy. Retiring at fifty is a goal, not a real want. When he considers what reaching this goal would really bring him, John realizes it’s more time with his family. This is a real want for him. John can start spending more time with his family right now in different ways. For instance, he could retire later and work shorter hours now, or he could be home for dinner every day and catch up on work afterward. Alternatively, he could work from home one or two days a week. By understanding his real want, John can find several ways to meet it and choose the one that works best for him and his family.
How can you find out what you really want?
To find out what you really want, look at what you wrote in response to the question at the start of this section. Does your answer include any goals or specific outcomes you want to achieve?
If you have listed any goals, identify the underlying real wants (the personal values you can embrace right now) by answering questions like these for each goal:
🤔 What will achieving this goal give me? What will achieving this goal allow me to do that’s important to me? What is this goal really about? What deeper purpose does this goal serve for me? How will reaching this goal contribute to the person I want to become?
Sometimes you might need to dig deeper if your answer turns out to be another goal. In that case, ask yourself the same questions again for these new goals and write down your new answers. Keep digging and repeating this process until you identify one or more real wants—your core personal values that you can live by right now. Congratulations, you’ve discovered what you really want.
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Understanding your real want helps you come up with various ways to fulfill it. This lets you choose the best goal or find a new one if your current goal doesn’t meet your real want. Once you pick a goal, figure out what it will take to achieve it and start taking action. Make it easier by beginning with small, manageable steps that align with your goal and the kind of person you want to become.
References
The happiness trap; by Dr Russ Harris.
