Let go of self-esteem
Replace self-esteem with self-acceptance and self-compassion.
Do you keep telling yourself you're not good enough?
Do you always feel like you have to prove your worth?
Do you have a hard time accepting compliments or believing in yourself?
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Self-esteem is our overall subjective evaluation of our own value or worth. Self-esteem is not a factual description but rather our opinion about how valuable or worthy we are. Essentially, it’s a subjective judgment, a story we tell ourselves, nothing more than thoughts.
Low self-esteem is often linked to judgmental thoughts such as:
👉 "I am not good enough."
👉 "I'm so stupid. I always mess things up."
👉 "I am such a loser. I never get anything right."
👉 "I am unlovable. Nobody likes me."
In contrast, high self-esteem is associated with self-narratives like:
👉 "I am a capable and competent professional. I always find solutions to problems."
👉 "I am such a valuable person. I always make a positive impact on those around me.”
👉 "I am a successful person. I always achieve my goals."
👉 "I am a worthy individual. I deserve happiness and respect."
Self-esteem is closely tied to the stories we tell ourselves about our personality traits. For example, viewing ourselves as kind and conscientious can boost our self-esteem, while seeing ourselves as lazy and unsociable can diminish it.
Low self-esteem
Constantly telling ourselves that we are inadequate, incompetent, or unattractive can gradually wear down our self-esteem. These negative thoughts reinforce the belief that we are unworthy, creating a vicious cycle of negativity and self-doubt. As this belief becomes stronger, thinking we're just not good enough becomes a habitual pattern. This negative self-view makes us focus too much on our flaws and shortcomings, ignoring our strengths and accomplishments. It makes us interpret experiences in a way that reinforces our negative beliefs about ourselves. For example, a minor mistake is seen as proof of incompetence. Persistent low self-esteem can lead to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues, as we feel trapped in a cycle of perceived inadequacy.
Low self-esteem can show up in different ways, like avoiding challenges or sabotaging ourselves. It can lead us to act in ways that do not align with our personal values and life purpose. It can stop us from taking risks or going after goals that help us grow and succeed. This means we might miss out on chances to learn and improve. We might push people away because we think we don’t deserve their love and support. Feeling inadequate can lead us to withdraw from social interactions, keeping us stuck in a cycle of feeling unworthy.
People with low self-esteem often try to prove their worth in various ways. They might go out of their way to seek approval from others, aim for perfection to get recognition, work excessively to show competence, please others to feel valued, compete to feel superior, seek attention to feel important, and acquire status symbols to seem more valuable. These actions are driven by their need to feel valued and appreciated externally, to make up for their internal feelings of inadequacy. While these behaviors can temporarily boost self-esteem, they don't address the underlying issues of feeling inadequate and lacking self-acceptance. Constantly trying to prove their worth can lead to stress, anxiety, and burnout.
Influence of biases and mindset
Due to our inherent negativity bias, our minds tend to focus on our perceived shortcomings and generate self-critical ‘I am not good enough’ narratives. This focus on perceived shortcomings causes us to overestimate their significance due to the focusing illusion. Once we accept a negative story about ourselves, confirmation bias leads us to notice only information that supports this narrative while ignoring or downplaying contradictory evidence. This confirmation bias is intensified by WYSIATI (What You See Is All There Is) bias, which leads us to overlook any positive information that might contradict our negative self-view.
A fixed mindset is the belief that our physical and mental abilities are fixed traits that cannot be developed. When combined with low self-esteem, it can make us see ourselves as permanently flawed and make it hard to bounce back from setbacks.
High self-esteem
You may think it’s important to have high self-esteem. You don't want to perceive yourself or be perceived by others as a failure or someone unlovable. However, achieving and maintaining high self-esteem often requires a constant need to prove your worth. You must continually take actions that support your ‘I am good enough’ narratives. For example, stories you tell yourself about how well you take care of your family, your weekly visits to your parents, your success at work, how many friends you have, and so on. This constant need to prove your worth takes up a lot of time and energy that could be better used to create the life you want. High self-esteem can also be fragile, often relying on external validation and leading to a fear of failure.
High self-esteem can sometimes lead to arrogance, narcissism, or a false sense of superiority. When this inflated self-image is threatened, we are more likely to respond defensively with anger and aggression. This defensive behavior not only strains our relationships but also causes us to distance ourselves from others, ultimately undermining genuine connections and our sense of belonging, leaving us feeling alienated and alone.
People with low self-esteem don’t need to envy those with high self-esteem because keeping up a high self-image can be stressful, tiring, and isolating. Chasing this can take away from what really matters, like forming meaningful relationships and being true to yourself. In fact, those with low self-esteem might find more freedom to focus on personal growth and genuine connections without the constant pressure to prove their worth.
Don't "should" yourself
"Should" thoughts can seriously impact your emotional well-being, whether you have low or high self-esteem. If you struggle with low self-esteem, you might think, "I should always know what to say," or "I should never make mistakes." These thoughts can lead to feelings of inadequacy and constant self-criticism, as you're trying to meet impossible standards. On the other hand, if you have high but fragile self-esteem, you might think, "I should always be the best," or "People should recognize my worth." This can lead to perfectionism and a constant need for validation, causing stress and anxiety when things don't go as expected.
How to let go of self-esteem
Low self-esteem makes you feel bad, while high self-esteem requires a constant struggle to maintain. Instead, it is more beneficial to let go of self-esteem and focus on self-acceptance and self-compassion to create the life you want and become the person you aspire to be. Recognize that your judgments about your worth are just thoughts in your head, and allow them to come and go without resistance. Some strategies to let go of self-esteem and break the self-perpetuating cycle include:
⚒️ Embrace self-acceptance
Accept yourself as you are, including your strengths and weaknesses. Remember that everyone has flaws and insecurities, and these do not determine your worth. Accepting yourself can help you feel more confident and less dependent on others for validation. It's about recognizing that you are enough just the way you are, and that your worth comes from within, not from what others think of you. This does not mean that you stop developing yourself; it means you grow and improve because you want to, not because you feel like you have to prove your worth to others.
⚒️ Cultivate self-compassion
Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend. This is crucial for counteracting self-critical thoughts and fostering a healthier self-view. Research has shown that self-compassion offers the same benefits as high self-esteem, without its disadvantages. Practice exercises that promote self-compassion, such as writing a letter to yourself from the perspective of a compassionate friend, and practice self-kindness in your daily interactions with yourself.
⚒️ Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness helps you be in the moment and become aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment. This awareness is the foundation for recognizing self-critical thoughts and allowing them to pass without engaging with them. Techniques such as meditation, breath awareness, body scan meditations, and engaging in activities mindfully can help you stay present and develop a more objective view of your thoughts.
⚒️ Cognitive reframing
Cognitive reframing, or cognitive restructuring, is a process that helps you identify, challenge, and replace your 'I am not good enough' thoughts with more positive and functional ones. For example, question your unhelpful thoughts by answering Byron Katie's four questions: Is it true? Can you absolutely know that it's true? How do you react when you think that thought? Who would you be without the thought? Then, perform the turnaround to find a more balanced perspective.
These strategies can help you let go of self-esteem and foster a healthier, more accepting relationship with yourself.
References
The happiness trap, by Dr Russ Harris
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, by Dr. Kristin Neff
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