Overcoming the fear of rejection
Break the chains of avoidance and build your confidence by embracing your fears.
Have you ever passed up opportunities because you feared rejection?
How does the fear of rejection shape your daily decisions and actions?
How has the fear of rejection affected your personal relationships and interactions?
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We've all felt the emotional pain of rejection, whether it was not getting a job we applied for, not getting a date with someone we liked, or not being picked for a team. Humans evolved to avoid both physical and emotional pain because pain signals potential harm. Our brains remember painful events and their causes to help us avoid them in the future. Since rejection leads to emotional pain, we tend to avoid situations where we expect to be rejected.
Fear kicks in when we sense something that might cause us pain, acting as an internal alarm to warn us of threats to our survival. In the past, survival meant avoiding physical harm. Today, for most people in developed countries, survival is more about avoiding threats to their emotional well-being, finances, and relationships.
Effects of the fear of rejection
The fear of rejection and the ways we try to avoid it can have a big impact on the life we want to build. This fear can be a major barrier to our success and happiness. It can lead us to act in ways that do not align with our personal values or life purpose. It can harm our relationships with others and negatively affect our overall mental health. Over time, avoidance can lead to feelings of regret over missed opportunities and unfulfilled potential. Every time we avoid something because we’re afraid, it makes the fear stronger, creating a cycle that's tough to break. This avoidance pattern can prevent us from pursuing our goals and experiencing new opportunities, ultimately holding us back from living a fulfilling life.
For example, choosing not to ask out someone we really like because we fear rejection can reinforce our fear of being turned down. This strengthened fear can then make it more difficult for us to approach potential partners in the future. Similarly, deciding not to apply for a job due to fear of rejection can reinforce our anxiety about facing possible refusals, making it more challenging to pursue career opportunities in the future.
Evolutionary history
Our fear of rejection originates from our evolutionary history, spanning over two million years, when belonging to a tribe was vital for survival. Banishment from the tribe often meant facing certain death. Our brains evolved to prioritize acceptance and fitting in, to ensure our survival and ability to reproduce. That's why experiencing rejection today remains intensely impactful—it triggers our primal need for safety and belonging, deeply ingrained from our distant past.
Influence of biases
Several human biases contribute to the fear of rejection.
👉 Confirmation bias: We seek out information that confirms our existing beliefs. If we believe we will be rejected, we might interpret ambiguous situations as rejection, reinforcing our fear.
👉 Negativity bias: Our tendency to focus more on negative experiences than positive ones can make the fear of rejection more intense.
👉 Focusing illusion: We tend to overestimate the importance of our fear of rejection because we focus our attention on it.
👉 Loss Aversion: The pain of losing (or being rejected) is psychologically more powerful than the pleasure of gaining. This makes the fear of rejection particularly strong.
👉 Availability heuristic: We rely on immediate examples that come to mind. If we easily recall past rejections, we might overestimate the likelihood of being rejected again.
Don't "should" yourself
If you have a fear of rejection, "should" thoughts can make you feel like you're constantly walking on eggshells. You might think, "I should always know what to say," or "I should never show weakness," because you fear that any mistake or flaw will lead to rejection. These thoughts can cause you to hide your true self, putting up a facade to avoid being judged or turned away by others. Over time, this can make you feel disconnected and isolated, as you're not letting others see the real you.
How to overcome the fear of rejection
To address the fear of rejection, start by noticing the situations you avoid because of it. Then, use strategies to reduce its emotional impact.
⚒️ Become aware of your fear of rejection
Begin by becoming aware of the situations you deliberately avoid due to fear of rejection. Consider various areas in your life, such as sharing opinions and ideas, applying for jobs, attending social events, asking someone out, achieving goals, sharing creative work, seeking support, expressing feelings, and engaging in discussions. To identify such situations, ask yourself these questions:
🤔 In what situations do I hesitate or hold back?
This question highlights instances where fear of rejection might cause hesitation or restraint.
🤔 In what situations do I feel anxious to take action?
This question pinpoints scenarios where fear of rejection may be causing anxiety.
🤔 What opportunities do I avoid because I worry about how others might perceive me?
This question addresses avoidance behaviors linked to fear of rejection.
Reflecting on these questions will provide insight into areas of your life where fear of rejection may be influencing your decisions and behaviors. Identifying these situations is the first step towards addressing and overcoming this fear.
⚒️ Practice getting rejected
Deliberately put yourself in situations where you might face rejection to reduce its emotional impact.
Instead of avoiding fear, face it head-on and embrace it. Start with situations where being rejected doesn't matter much, like asking a stranger for directions or requesting a discount at a store. These minor rejections help you build confidence. Then, try more challenging situations, such as asking someone for coffee or seeking feedback from a colleague. After each attempt, reflect on what happened, what you did well, what to improve, and how you felt. This helps you learn and improve gradually.
The more you face rejection, the less it affects you. As you get used to hearing “no,” your fear of rejection fades. Over time, you realize that rejection is not as bad as it seems. By practicing facing rejection, you become better at handling it, build confidence, and improve your social skills, making the fear of rejection less powerful.
⚒️ Reframe rejection
Reframing rejection means changing how you think about it to see it in a more positive or constructive way. This can help you feel better about rejection and bounce back faster.
Here are some ways to reframe rejection:
👉 Focus on actions, not identity: See rejection as feedback on what you did, not who you are and what you are capable of. Learn from it to improve next time.
👉 Separate personal worth from situational factors: Remember, rejection often reflects the situation or the other person’s needs, not your value.
👉 View rejection as a normal experience: Understand that everyone faces rejection. It doesn't define your worth.
👉 Rejection indicates pushing your limits: Embrace rejection as evidence of growth. If you never face rejection, you might be staying too comfortably within your comfort zone.
👉 Adopt a playful mindset: Instead of seeing rejection as something terrible that must be avoided, treat rejection like a game or a funny experience to reduce anxiety.
👉 Celebrate effort over outcome: Appreciate the effort and courage it took to try, regardless of the result.
👉 Find the silver lining: Look for positive aspects, like lessons learned or new opportunities. See rejection as a stepping stone rather than a setback.
By using these techniques, you can reduce the negative impact of rejection and stay positive and resilient.
Additional tips
👉 Mental rehearsal: Imagine situations where you might face rejection, such as asking someone out or going to a social event. Allow yourself to feel anxious, and intensify this feeling by imagining more challenging outcomes. Spending time with these emotions can reduce their impact over time.
👉 Self-care: Treat yourself with the same care and compassion you would offer a best friend. Practice mindfulness to stay aware of your thoughts and feelings. Defuse or question negative thoughts and make space for difficult feelings.
👉 Celebrate attempts: Acknowledge and celebrate your attempts. Each attempt, even if it involves a rejection, brings you closer to being more resilient.
👉 Let go of self-esteem: Instead of focusing on how you judge your worth, practice self-acceptance and self-compassion. This can reduce fear of rejection. For more details, click here.
👉 Support: Share your goals with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist who can offer support and encouragement.
👉 Focus on what you can control: Concentrate on your actions and efforts, not just the outcome. You can’t control others’ responses, but you can control how you approach and handle situations.
These steps can help you manage the fear of rejection and build resilience over time.
References
Fear Of Rejection: 2 Ways To Beat It, Backed By Research, Barking Up The Wrong Tree, by Eric Barker
How To Conquer Fear, Backed By Research, Barking Up The Wrong Tree, by Eric Barker
How to Conquer the Fear of Rejection, Psychology Today, by Theo Tsaousides Ph.D.
