How to handle falling short of your ideal self
Embrace imperfection while aligning actions with your values.
Are you struggling to meet your own expectations in some areas?
Do you feel like you're falling short of who you want to be?
Is it challenging to cope with the disappointment of not meeting your personal standards?
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We form opinions about our actual self. We tell ourselves stories about our personality traits, such as being intelligent, boring, or curious. Since these self-narratives are often too general and can change depending on the circumstances, we should hold them lightly. Additionally, we create stories about our overall worth as a human being, such as believing we are stupid or unlovable. Low self-esteem can make us feel bad, while high self-esteem requires constant effort to maintain. Therefore, it's better to let go of self-esteem and focus on self-acceptance and self-compassion.
We also form opinions about our ideal self, also known as our aspirational self or desired self. We tell ourselves stories about the characteristics we want to possess and the type of person we want to be. This ideal self reflects our highest standards and ambitions with regard to our personality traits (our personal values) and behaviors. For example, we want to be a loving and attentive daughter, competent and collaborative professional, fit and healthy individual, loyal and trustworthy friend, or supportive and patient parent.
Striving to be our ideal self can have many benefits. It helps us act and make decisions that match our personal values and aspirations, encouraging us to keep growing and improving. It can improve our relationships, as we try to be a better friend, partner, parent, or colleague. Reaching parts of our ideal self can boost our confidence and give us a greater sense of fulfillment, satisfaction, and well-being.
Falling short of our ideal self
Sometimes we repeatedly fail to live up to our ideal self. We may strive to be a good parent but regularly lose our patience, or we may want to be a fit person but keep skipping workouts and eating unhealthy foods. Although our expectations are often realistic, we can set ourselves up for failure by having unrealistic expectations that are impossible to meet, like being a perfect parent who never gets frustrated, a super successful professional who never struggles, or someone who's always loved and never makes mistakes.
When we repeatedly fall short of our ideal self, we may start to believe we are the opposite of our ideal. This black-and-white thinking can lead to inner conflict and cognitive dissonance—a feeling of discomfort arising from holding conflicting beliefs about ourselves. If unresolved, this dissonance can cause dissatisfaction and negative feelings such as stress, anxiety, shame, frustration, distress, anger, or restlessness. Feeling ashamed may cause us to hide our struggles, making it difficult to seek support or openly share our experiences with others. These processes can interact, creating a cycle where failing to meet our ideal self-image reinforces negative beliefs and feelings, further hindering our efforts to reach our ideal.
Examples
Some examples of repeatedly falling short of our ideal self:
👉 Parenting: Someone wants to be a good father but struggles with his four-year-old daughter's behavior. He loses his temper almost daily, which clashes with his ideal of being a good father. This creates cognitive dissonance from the conflicting beliefs: "I want to be a good father" and "I regularly lose my temper, which a good father wouldn't do."
👉 Family relationships: Someone wants to be a good daughter to her mother, but no matter what she does, it never seems to be enough. This creates a conflict between her desire to be a caring daughter and the experience of constantly falling short.
👉 Health and fitness: Someone wants to be fit and healthy but often skips workouts and indulges in unhealthy foods. This creates a conflict between their desire of being fit and their actual behavior.
👉 Friendship: Someone aims to be a supportive friend but often gets too caught up in their own life to check in regularly with friends. This leads to cognitive dissonance between their ideal of being a supportive friend and their actions.
Don't "should" yourself
If you're chasing your ideal self, "should" thoughts can leave you feeling inadequate whenever you fall short. You might think, "I should always be achieving more," or "I should never settle for less than perfection," because you're focused on becoming the best version of yourself. When you inevitably fall short of these high expectations, it can lead to frustration, self-criticism, and a sense of failure. This constant pressure to be your ideal self can make you feel disconnected from who you actually are, as you're always striving to be someone else rather than accepting and appreciating your current self.
How to handle falling short of your ideal self
There are several effective strategies to handle repeatedly falling short of your ideal self. Experiment with different strategies to find what works best for you. Defuse negative thoughts and allow space for any difficult feelings that arise during this process. Start by identifying the problem, then try various strategies to see what helps in your specific situation.
⚒️ Identify the problem
The first step in solving a problem is to identify it as clearly and accurately as possible. Adopt the mindset of a scientist or detective and objectively investigate the facts of the unwanted situation by considering questions such as:
🤔 What specific aspect of your ideal self do you repeatedly struggle with?
🤔 How realistic are your expectations for this aspect of your ideal self?
🤔 Which unwanted emotional and behavioral patterns do you recognize in yourself?
🤔 Who else is involved, and what is their role in this unwanted situation?
🤔 Which of your needs or personal values are not being met?
🤔 What is important for you in this unwanted situation?
🤔 What external factors might be contributing to this struggle?
🤔 What approaches have you already tried to resolve this issue?
⚒️ Unhelpful strategies for handling falling short of your ideal self
Below are some strategies for handling repeatedly falling short of your ideal self that might reduce discomfort in the short term, but can damage your relationships and prevent you from addressing the underlying issues and making positive changes. These strategies include:
👉 Self-justification: Rationalizing your behavior to make it seem acceptable, which temporarily alleviates guilt but prevents you from making necessary improvements.
👉 Denial of the problem: Refusing to acknowledge discrepancies between the ideal self and actual behavior, preventing meaningful change and perpetuating unhelpful behavior.
👉 Minimization: Downplaying the significance of the issue to make it seem less important. This involves convincing oneself that the behavior or discrepancy is trivial and not worth addressing. Minimization can prevent serious issues from being properly dealt with, leading to continued problems and lack of growth.
👉 Avoidance: Avoiding situations that trigger dissonance and unwanted feelings, which reduces emotional discomfort but undermines relationships and doesn’t address the root cause.
👉 Persistence in unhelpful behavior: Continuing unhelpful behavior without making an effort to change can result in persistent feelings of dissatisfaction and negative long-term effects for ourselves and significant others involved.
👉 Blaming others: It's easy to blame others for relationship problems, thinking that if they just acted the way you wanted, there wouldn't be any issues. However, relationship problems usually involve contributions from both sides. Blaming others harms relationships and avoids taking personal responsibility. Remember, you might overestimate the effect of someone’s personality traits and underestimate the role of situational factors on their behavior.
👉 Trying to change others: Attempting to change someone else's behavior or attitude to reduce your own discomfort, despite having no control over others, can create conflict and strain relationships without addressing the root cause of your own dissonance.
👉 Displacement of anger: Redirecting frustration and anger to other life areas or people, leading to strained relationships and unresolved issues.
⚒️ Helpful strategies for handling falling short of your ideal self
Using effective strategies for handling repeatedly falling short of your ideal self can help you become more self-aware, find the root causes of your discomfort, grow personally, and feel better overall. Helpful strategies include:
👉 Lowering your expectations: Cognitive dissonance often results from the gap between your expectations and reality. Think about whether your expectations for yourself and others are realistic. By making your expectations more achievable, you can reduce the impact of dissonance. Hold your stories about your ideal self lightly. Aim for progress, not perfection, and understand that everyone makes mistakes as part of their growth process. This approach helps alleviate pressure and reduces feelings of guilt, shame, or inadequacy. By letting go of unrealistic expectations, you can work towards better relationships and more constructive outcomes. Additionally, recognize that sometimes letting go of certain unrealistic expectations altogether can be freeing, allowing you to focus on what truly matters and what is realistically attainable.
👉 Aligning actions with your values: Align your actions with your ideal personality traits (your personal values) and with what really matters to you through specific goals and self-improvement activities. Experiment with different approaches (trial and error) to find out what works and what doesn’t, discovering effective ways to bridge the gap between your ideal self and your current reality. If someone else is involved, ask them what they think you can do differently. Celebrate small successes and progress. Progress in this area can enhance self-confidence and well-being.
👉 Accepting yourself: The problem is often not who you are, but who you think you should be (ideal self). Your expectations can lead to dissatisfaction and stress. Instead of judging and blaming yourself, embrace your imperfections as part of the human experience. Understand that everyone has flaws and insecurities, and these do not define your worth. Let go of the mental struggle with reality to free up energy for tackling issues within your control or influence. By accepting yourself, with all your strengths and weaknesses, you can focus on practical steps for improvement rather than engaging in self-criticism. This approach allows you to make meaningful progress without the burden of mentally fighting reality.
👉 Accepting others: The problem is often not how others behave, but how you think they should behave. Remember, you can't control how others act, so it's important to accept that they will never be perfect. Instead of judging and blaming them for their perceived shortcomings, accept them as they are and focus on practical steps to improve the situation. Understand that everyone has their own struggles and imperfections. Concentrate on what you can do to make things better rather than getting frustrated with things you can't change.
👉 Seeing situations from the viewpoint of others: When you feel like you're not meeting your own standards in relationships because of someone else’s behavior, try to understand the other person's thoughts, feelings, and circumstances instead of just focusing on yourself. Consider how your expectations might affect them. Perspective-taking can foster understanding, empathy, and realistic expectations. It shifts your focus from self-criticism and blame to finding solutions together, enhancing emotional well-being in relationships.
👉 Reframing incidents: View unwanted incidents as learning experiences or opportunities for growth rather than reflections of inadequacy. This promotes a growth mindset and encourages continuous improvement. For instance, thinking "This is a chance to learn better ways to handle difficult situations" instead of "I failed."
👉 Seeking social support: Engage in honest conversations with friends, family members, or a therapist. Supportive conversations can provide healthier perspectives and practical advice for dealing with challenges. They can reduce feelings of isolation and failure, reinforce competence and provide new strategies.
👉 Practicing self-compassion: Be kind to yourself during times of failure or difficulty. Recognize that facing difficulties, personal suffering, and imperfection are inherent parts of the shared human experience. Treat yourself with the same understanding and empathy you would offer a friend. This reduces the negative impact of discrepancies between your ideal self and actual behavior and helps maintain a positive self-image.
👉 Being mindful and managing stress: Use mindfulness and stress management techniques to stay calm and composed. Practices like meditation, connecting to the present moment, and regular exercise enhance emotional regulation and overall well-being, making it easier to align behavior with your ideal self. Remember to avoid judging yourself or others, fostering a compassionate and understanding mindset in all situations.
👉 Setting realistic goals: Establishing achievable and incremental goals helps bridge the gap between the current behavior and the ideal self. This approach promotes a sense of accomplishment and motivation for continuous improvement without overwhelming oneself with unrealistic expectations.
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At times, we fall short of our ideal self. This can create inner conflict, leading to feelings of dissatisfaction, stress, and shame. Resolving this involves accepting imperfections, adjusting our expectations, and embracing ourselves and others. By aligning our actions with our values, we can ease this internal tension and foster greater harmony in our lives.
References
The PT/Berkeley Personality Test, Psychology Today, by K. Harary and E. Harary
Philosophy: Self-discrepancy theory, from HandWiki
