How to stop seeking validation from others
Creating a self-validation mindset and transcending dependence on external approval.
Do you often find yourself doing things just to gain validation from others?
Do you hide parts of yourself out of fear that people will reject you if they knew the real you?
Do your relationships lack depth because others cannot truly know who you are?
✳️✳️✳️
As social beings, our sense of belonging to a group—whether it's family, friends, or a community—is crucial. Throughout our evolutionary past, being accepted by a group has been vital for survival, making us highly sensitive to signals of rejection. This fear of not being liked or loved for who we truly are can drive us to seek validation or avoid disapproval from others. Validation involves seeking affirmation of our value, often to bolster our self-esteem.
Engaging in this behavior occasionally, consciously and willingly, isn't necessarily problematic. However, it becomes concerning when it transforms into an involuntary and possibly automatic pattern rooted in fear. This fear drives us to conceal the darker aspects of ourselves, afraid that revealing them might lead others to reject us. We dread the idea of others uncovering these parts of ourselves—parts that we are ashamed of, that we deem as flawed and wish to keep hidden.
Concealing the darker aspects of ourselves often originates from low self-esteem. This behavior can worsen existing feelings of inadequacy, creating a vicious cycle where low self-esteem fuels more hiding, perpetuating the negative cycle. As we continue to hide parts of ourselves we deem shameful, our fear of exposure intensifies. This fear can become overwhelming, leading to social withdrawal and a reluctance to pursue new experiences or relationships. The constant effort of concealing these aspects can be mentally draining, leading to significant stress and anxiety.
Furthermore, our relationships may lack depth and authenticity because others cannot truly know or connect with us, resulting in feelings of loneliness and isolation. When we hide parts of ourselves, we deprive ourselves of opportunities for self-improvement and healing, thereby hindering our personal growth. Living inauthentically can prevent us from pursuing our genuine interests, resulting in a sense of unfulfillment and dissatisfaction with life. Over time, chronic stress from concealing aspects of ourselves can manifest in physical health issues such as headaches, digestive problems, and a weakened immune system.
When we cease seeking validation involuntary from others, we create space for genuine connections with people who accept and appreciate us for who we truly are. Opting for authenticity over validation involves prioritizing our personal values and life purpose, even if it means disappointing some people along the way. It allows us to speak honestly and openly about our beliefs, feelings, and aspirations without fear of judgment or rejection. This shift empowers us to live more fulfilling and purposeful lives, guided by our true selves rather than the expectations imposed by others.
Influence of biases
People who seek validation from others often exhibit several cognitive biases:
👉 Confirmation bias: This bias makes individuals seek out and favor information that confirms their existing beliefs. Those seeking validation often look for approval that aligns with their desired image.
👉 Negativity bias: This bias makes individuals more sensitive to negative feedback than positive feedback. To counteract the distress caused by negative feedback, individuals might excessively seek approval and positive comments, leading to an overreliance on others’ opinions to maintain self-esteem.
👉 Spotlight effect: This bias causes people to overestimate how much others notice and judge their actions and appearance. Seeking validation is often driven by the belief that others are constantly evaluating them.
👉 Self-serving bias: This bias leads individuals to credit positive outcomes to their own abilities and blame negative outcomes on external factors. This makes them interpret positive feedback as a reflection of their inherent worth, reinforcing their self-esteem. As a result, they may rely on external validation to feel good about themselves, preventing the development of a stable internal sense of self-esteem.
👉 Bandwagon effect: This bias involves adopting beliefs or behaviors because they are popular. People seeking validation often conform to popular opinions to gain social acceptance, which can overshadow their own preferences and personal values, leading them to align with the majority.
Understanding these biases can help us notice and manage our need for others' approval, leading to more genuine self-acceptance and confidence.
How to stop seeking validation from others
First, we need to become the kind of person who doesn't seek validation from others. Next, we should become aware of our involuntary patterns of seeking external approval. Only then can we start to change these patterns one by one.
⚒️ Become the kind of person who doesn’t need validation from others
It can be difficult to stop seeking validation from others because of the kind of person you are right now. People who look for external validation often share two key traits:
👉 They have low self-esteem, which makes them insecure, dependent, and always needing approval from others.
👉 They fear social rejection, leading to people-pleasing, conformity, sensitivity to criticism, and anxiety in social situations.
To stop seeking validation from others, you need to become the kind of person who doesn’t rely on others for validation:
👉 Let go of self-esteem: Self-esteem is how you feel about your own value or worth. It's not a fact but your personal judgment of yourself. Low self-esteem makes you feel bad, and high self-esteem requires constant effort to keep up. Instead, it's better to let go of self-esteem and focus on self-acceptance and self-compassion to live a healthier and more fulfilling life. For more details, click here.
👉 Conquer your fear of rejection: The fear of rejection can hinder your pursuit of goals and limit your exploration of new opportunities, preventing you from achieving a fulfilling life. Break free from avoidance and enhance your confidence by confronting your fears. For further information, click here.
By letting go of self-esteem, being kind to yourself, and overcoming your fear of rejection, you will find validation from within and won’t need it from others.
⚒️ Become aware of validation-seeking patterns
To stop seeking external validation, you need to become aware of your current involuntary validation-seeking patterns.
👉 Create your list
· Start writing: Take a piece of paper, open your journal, or start an electronic document, and write the header “My Validation-Seeking Patterns” at the top of an empty page.
· List your patterns: Write down the behavioral patterns that you regularly and involuntarily use to gain validation or avoid invalidation from others. Be honest and take your time. Be as specific as possible: What exactly do you do to gain validation? When, with whom, and under what circumstances? The key question to answer is: What do I do regularly and involuntarily solely to gain the validation of others?
👉 Steps to identify your patterns
· Reflect on recent weeks/months: Mentally revisit your last few weeks or months to identify examples of validation-seeking patterns.
· Ask others: Ask friends or family members how they see you seeking external validation regularly.
· Reflect daily: For at least one week, reflect at the end of each day to identify any validation-seeking behaviors you exhibited.
· Jot down quick notes: Keep a journal or note on your phone where you can quickly jot down any instances of validation-seeking behavior as they happen.
· Observe your feelings: Pay attention to your feelings and reactions in social situations, noting when you feel the need to seek validation and what activates this.
· Review social media: Look at your interactions on social media to identify any validation-seeking behaviors in your posts or comments.
👉 Examples of validation-seeking behaviors
Here are some examples of validation-seeking behaviors. Occasionally engaging in these behaviors consciously and willingly is not problematic. However, they become concerning when they turn into involuntary and automatic patterns driven by fear.
· Covering up your mistakes, perceived shortcomings, or vulnerabilities.
· Lying about yourself, including telling half-truths, white lies, or exaggerations.
· Doing things you don’t want to do because you are afraid to say “no.”
· Softening or adapting your opinion if someone disagrees with you.
· Expressing agreement when you don’t actually agree.
· Staying silent on your true feelings to prevent disagreement.
· Asking for permission to do something you don’t need permission for.
· Excessive seeking of reassurance that you have done or are doing the right thing.
· Relying heavily on opinions of others to validate your decisions.
· Expressing your needs indirectly, using phrases like "maybe we could" or "if you like."
· Behaving contrary to your life purpose, personal values, or needs.
· Always needing to look immaculate when meeting others (e.g., hair, clothes, shoes).
· Needing to show off or hide your body.
· Trying to never offend anyone or get angry with anyone.
· Being overly nice, pleasant, or respectful, especially with people of the opposite sex.
· Attempting to coax people into paying you compliments.
· Constantly asking your partner ‘Do you still love me?’
· Paying insincere compliments to gain validation.
· Trying to appear smart, a good lover, the ideal spouse, the greatest parent, unselfish, spiritual, or a good person.
· Continually checking your social media posts for likes, retweets, and shares.
By following these steps and creating your list, you'll take the first important step towards overcoming involuntary validation-seeking patterns and becoming more authentic.
⚒️ Stop validation-seeking patterns
To avoid becoming overwhelmed, tackle your involuntary validation-seeking patterns one at a time.
👉 Choose one pattern: Pick one pattern from your “My Validation-Seeking Patterns” list. Start with the one you find most important, easiest to tackle, or simply any pattern that stands out to you.
👉 Focus for a week: Commit to stopping this behavior completely for at least one week. It might be uncomfortable, but stepping out of your comfort zone is necessary for growth. See additional tips below.
👉 Reflect daily: At the end of each day, take a few minutes to reflect on your experience:
· Actions: Did you manage to stop the behavior? Did you avoid situations where you might use the behavior?
· Thoughts: What thoughts did you have during the day?
· Feelings: How did you feel? Anxious, ashamed, fearful, rejected, vulnerable, joyful, or relieved?
· Reactions: If you abstained, did anyone dislike or disapprove of you? If you didn't abstain, what need were you trying to fulfill? Validation, belonging, or security?
👉 Repeat or move on: After a week, decide whether to continue abstaining from this behavior for another week or choose a new pattern from your list. Keep repeating this process, addressing one pattern at a time.
Additional tips
👉 Self-care: Be kind to yourself throughout this process. Treat yourself with the same care and compassion you would offer a best friend. Defuse or question painful thoughts and make room for difficult feelings that arise.
👉 Patience and persistence: Breaking unwanted behavioral patterns takes time and effort. Be patient with yourself and stay persistent, even if progress seems slow.
👉 Celebrate small wins: Acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how small.
👉 Positive reinforcement: Make not performing the validation-seeking behavior satisfying by adding an immediate reward after your healthier alternative response. Rewards can be small treats, relaxation time, or other positive incentives.
👉 Mental rehearsal: Practice scenarios in your mind where you respond in healthier ways instead of falling back into the unwanted pattern.
👉 Journaling: Keep a journal to track your progress and insights.
👉 Mindfulness: Practice mindfulness to stay present and aware of your thoughts and feelings.
👉 Support: Share your goals with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist who can offer support and encouragement.
By tackling your validation-seeking patterns one at a time, you can make steady and meaningful progress towards becoming more authentic and self-reliant.
🎉👏🎈
Breaking free from validation-seeking patterns is a journey toward greater authenticity and deeper, more meaningful relationships. By becoming aware of these patterns, taking deliberate steps to change, and practicing self-compassion, you can reclaim your sense of self and live more authentically. Remember, the goal is not to completely disregard others' opinions but to prioritize your personal values and self-worth. Take it one step at a time and celebrate your progress along the way. Your true self is worth it.
References
No More Mr. Nice Guy, Dr. Robert A. Glover, 2003
The happiness trap, by Dr Russ Harris
Approval-Seeking Behavior: Signs, Causes, and How to Heal, PsychCentral, by Sian Ferguson
