Have compassion for yourself
When you're struggling, treat yourself as you would treat a good friend.
Are you often super critical of yourself?
Do you believe that harshly criticizing yourself will help you improve?
Do you find it difficult to be kind to yourself when you make a mistake?
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Self-compassion means treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, especially when we make mistakes or encounter challenges, as we would naturally do for a friend.
Most of us are really hard on ourselves when we acknowledge a flaw or shortcoming, often thinking things like, "I’m so stupid" or "I’m such a loser." We judge and criticize ourselves, believing that being tough will help us improve. But this only makes us feel worse, causing feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, frustration, and insecurity. The solution is to stop judging and evaluating ourselves. Instead of labeling ourselves as "good" or "bad," we should treat ourselves with the same care and compassion we would show a good friend. Research shows that self-compassion has the same benefits as high self-esteem, without the downsides. Unfortunately, we often treat ourselves worse than anyone else.
Constant self-criticism
Our mind is often harshly self-critical as a protective defense mechanism rooted in our evolutionary history. In the past, our ancestors needed to stay alert to threats for survival, and being self-critical helped them quickly spot and correct mistakes, which could be life-saving. Humans are social creatures, and being part of a group has always been crucial for survival. Self-criticism can come from wanting to fit in and avoid rejection and abandonment. By criticizing ourselves we try to make ourselves conform again to social norms and expectations, so that we remain accepted by the group.
When we make a mistake, fail at something, or feel like we're not meeting expectations, we often criticize ourselves as a way to protect ourselves. We might think things like "I'm not good enough," "I always mess things up," and "There's something wrong with me." These harsh, judgmental thoughts focus on our perceived flaws and failures, aiming to help us improve. It's okay to be self-critical once in a while, but if it becomes a habit, it can be harmful and counterproductive.
Constant self-criticism keeps our body on high alert, as if it’s dealing with a real threat. This can lead to chronic stress, which may cause headaches, weaken our immune system, and increase the risk of heart disease. It can lower our self-esteem and make us feel sad, ashamed, depressed, anxious, or hopeless. As a result, we might avoid challenges and opportunities because we're afraid of failing, and we might withdraw from social interactions. Over time, this creates a cycle of inaction and reinforces our self-criticism.
Self-compassion
Everyone deserves care and compassion, including ourselves. According to expert Dr. Kristin Neff, self-compassion has three equally important parts. When we feel emotional pain, we should:
👉 Be kind to ourselves: Treat ourselves with care and kindness.
👉 Recognize common humanity: Understand that everyone experiences emotional pain and we are not alone.
👉 Be mindful of what is: Stay aware of our thoughts and feelings without getting overwhelmed by them.
1️⃣ Self-kindness
Self-kindness means comforting ourselves when we're struggling, just like we would comfort a close friend in need. It involves being kind, gentle, accepting, supportive, and understanding toward ourselves, rather than being harshly critical and judgmental, especially when our pain comes from a mistake we made. We let ourselves feel our pain and offer supportive messages like, "This is really difficult right now. How can I care for and comfort myself in this moment?" "I deserve love and respect even when I fail," and "I am enough just as I am."
We don’t need to seek acceptance and security from others. Self-kindness helps us see ourselves as valuable and worthy of care. It reduces stress, boosts self-esteem, and makes us feel calm, content, safe, and secure. It also encourages us to take on new challenges and connect with others, leading to a more fulfilling and active life.
2️⃣ Common humanity
Self-compassion is based on the idea that we all share a common humanity. When we struggle or make mistakes, we often feel alone, as if we are the only ones going through pain, while others seem to have problem-free lives. But self-compassion reminds us that everyone is vulnerable, flawed, and imperfect. Making mistakes is a normal part of life, and feelings of inadequacy and disappointment are something everyone experiences. Life is tough for everyone, and suffering is part of being human. We are all in the same situation, doing our best with what we have, falling and getting back up again. By practicing self-compassion, we see that our suffering connects us with others instead of separating us. This understanding makes us happier, more satisfied with life, and better able to support others. It helps us become kinder, more loving, less controlling, and less angry, creating a sense of support and connection.
3️⃣ Being mindful of what is
Mindfulness means seeing things as they are and accepting what’s happening in the present moment without judging it. Being self-compassionate requires us to acknowledge our emotional pain instead of avoiding it. We also shouldn’t exaggerate our pain, which we might do to protect our self-image, because we don't want to see ourselves as flawed. Instead, we need to step outside of ourselves and look at our struggles objectively, asking ourselves as an outsider, "You're having a tough time. What can I do to help?"
Often mental suffering comes from resisting the pain caused by wanting things to be different. We might think, "This shouldn’t be happening!" Mindfulness helps us stop resisting reality by accepting our experiences without judgment. Embrace life as it is. This lets us take steps to improve our situation or accept it as it is.
Benefits of self-compassion
By showing ourselves unconditional kindness and comfort while accepting our human experience, we can avoid falling into fear, negativity, and isolation. This approach helps us feel relaxed, happy, and optimistic, and motivates us to take positive actions to improve our situation and act in alignment with our personal values and life purpose. It helps us accept life as it is and stop asking questions like “Am I as good as they are?” or “Am I good enough?” Even though life will always have its flaws and imperfections, self-compassion offers a safe and comforting space. With self-compassion, you can work to become healthier and happier because you care about yourself, not because you feel worthless or unacceptable as you are.
How to become more compassionate with yourself
There are many techniques to help you turn self-criticism into self-compassion, see amongst others the self-compassion website of Dr. Kristin Neff. A few of these are described below.
⚒️ Change your critical self-talk
Self-criticism can often hold you back, so it's important to shift your mindset. One of the most important ways to do this is to change your critical self-talk. Nonviolent communication emphasizes using kind and understanding language when talking to ourselves, showing empathy for our basic human needs. Here are the steps to help you change your negative self-talk.
1️⃣ You often criticize yourself because you believe being hard on yourself will help you change. To change this negative self-talk, first figure out what the underlying desire or need is. For instance:
👉 You might say, "I'm so fat and unhealthy" because you want to focus on your health.
👉 You might think, "I'm such a lazy failure" because you want to increase your productivity.
👉 You might say, "I'm a loser because I never follow through" because you want to enhance your discipline.
2️⃣ Understand that being too critical isn't the best way to meet your desires or needs. Think about what a caring friend would say to encourage you. Create the most supportive message you can think of. Here are some positive alternatives for the examples above:
👉 "I am taking steps every day to improve my health."
👉 "I am learning to manage my time better."
👉 "I can achieve my goals with persistence and effort."
3️⃣ Write down this supportive message and place it where you can see it every day, like on your mirror, desk, or fridge. Use this message instead of the self-critical message when you talk to yourself.
By focusing on self-compassion instead of self-criticism, you can better achieve what you really want and create a more positive and motivating environment for yourself.
⚒️ Treat yourself as a good friend
Give yourself the same kindness and care as you would give a good friend in need.
Imagine a good friend is being very hard on themselves because of their mistakes or shortcomings. Think about how you would respond to them. Write down your answers to these questions:
🤔 What would you say to your friend to comfort and support them?
🤔 What tone of voice would you use when talking to your friend?
🤔 How would you behave towards your friend to show your support?
Now, start treating yourself the same way you would treat your good friend when you’re struggling or feeling down about yourself, and see what happens.
Remember, don’t expect instant results. Try this a few times to see if it works for you. It’s simple, but not easy! The more you practice, the easier it becomes.
⚒️ Give yourself a gentle hug
If you notice that you’re feeling tense, upset, or self-critical, give yourself a warm hug, gently stroking your arm. Make a clear gesture that shows care and tenderness. Your body will respond positively to this physical gesture of warmth and care. Physical touch helps you feel safe, soothes your emotions, and calms your stress. If you can't actually hug yourself, you can simply imagine doing it.
Additional tips
👉 Handle negative thoughts and feelings: Throughout the process of becoming more compassionate with yourself, defuse or question any painful thoughts and allow yourself to feel difficult feelings without judgment. And don’t criticize yourself for not being self-compassionate enough!
👉 Seek support: Don’t hesitate to reach out for help. Talking to friends, family, or a therapist can provide valuable insights and encouragement as you work to become more self-compassionate.
👉 Patience and persistence: Becoming more self-compassionate can take time and effort. Be patient with yourself and stay persistent, even if progress seems slow.
References
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, by Dr. Kristin Neff
Self-Compassion website, Dr. Kristin Neff
3 Ways to Turn Self-Criticism Into Self-Compassion, Psychology Today, by Michelle McQuaid Ph.D.
