Let go of your feared self
View yourself more realistically by freeing yourself from fear-based beliefs.
What personality traits do you desperately not want to have?
What kind of person do you definitely not want to be?
How would you dread being perceived by others?
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We construct narratives about our current personality traits and our ideal selves. We also create stories about the personality traits we do not want to have and the type of person we fear being: our feared self. This feared self represents the kind of person we absolutely don't want to be: someone with negative traits like dishonesty, selfishness, cruelty, hypocrisy, or arrogance. We might fear being an emotionally unstable parent who does not provide adequate emotional support to their children, an introverted person without meaningful connections or friendships, or a lazy child who disappoints their parents' expectations.
Imagining the worst-case scenario of the person we could be causes anxiety or dread. This fear can be a powerful motivator, pushing us to take corrective actions to better align with our ideal self and avoid being our feared self.
Believing we are our feared self
We may deeply believe we possess the traits we fear most, seeing ourselves as embodying our feared self. This belief makes us see ourselves in a negative light and reject parts of who we are, thinking of ourselves as bad. This can lead to cognitive dissonance: a feeling of discomfort from the clash between this negative self-belief and our desire to align with our personal values and aspirations. If this inner conflict is not resolved, it can result in dissatisfaction with ourselves and negative feelings such as stress, anxiety, shame, frustration, distress, anger, or restlessness. These negative feelings affect how we behave and interact with the world.
Feeling ashamed may cause us to hide our struggles, making it difficult to seek support or openly share our experiences with others. Worrying that others will see our feared self can make us guarded and less open, hindering genuine connections. We might avoid situations where we fear our inadequacies will be exposed, limiting our growth and opportunities. On the flip side, we might overcompensate by trying to prove ourselves incessantly, leading to burnout and further disappointment.
Fear of rejection
Behind the fear of being our feared self often lies the deeper fear of rejection. We worry that if our perceived personality flaws or shortcomings are revealed, others will judge us negatively, leading to social rejection. This fear can drive us to constantly try to prove ourselves and avoid situations where we might be exposed. Admitting or even acknowledging that we are our feared self makes us feel vulnerable, which can be uncomfortable because it opens the door to potential rejection from others. This fear of vulnerability often motivates us to engage in behaviors aimed at disproving our feared identity.
Trying to prove ourselves
Wanting to reduce the discomfort from cognitive dissonance can drive us to behave in ways that prove to ourselves that we are not our feared self. We end up doing things not because we enjoy them, find them energizing, or see them as aligned with our life purpose, personal values, and principles, but simply because we feel compelled to prove a point. Doing things out of a compelling need rather than free will keeps us locked in a mental prison, leading to inauthentic behavior and identity struggles.
For example, if we believe we're lazy and therefore perceive ourselves as idlers, this can push us to overwork in our careers. Seeing ourselves as indecisive might make us view ourselves as wimps, prompting an intense effort to demonstrate decisiveness at work. If we view ourselves as disorganized, we may see ourselves as scatterbrains, which can result in becoming obsessively meticulous in our professions. Believing we're boring may lead us to consider ourselves dullards, driving us to go to great lengths to appear interesting and engaging in both social and professional settings.
In this case, there is nothing inherently wrong with what we do, but with why we do it. Trying to prove we're not the kind of person we fear being may temporarily reassure us, but it is never enough because it doesn't address the deeper need for self-acceptance. We can never fully prove that we are not our feared self because there will always be moments when we behave as such. This ongoing fruitless effort can result in stress, anxiety, and burnout.
Vicious cycle
Focusing on disproving negative traits unintentionally reinforces the belief that we actually possess them, as the need to prove that we are not something arises from the underlying belief that we are. Believing that we are our feared self makes us act in ways to prove we're not, but those actions actually strengthen that belief, keeping us stuck in a vicious cycle.
Emotional overreaction
It hurts when we are confronted with signs that we are our feared self. This activates feelings of shame, making us feel inadequate and flawed, lowering our self-esteem, and making us doubt our worth more.
For example, let’s say we believe we are our feared self: an idler. If someone called us an idler, we would see it as proof that our worst belief about ourselves is true, which would hurt a lot. We might blame the other person for hurting our feelings, but they only expressed what we believe about ourselves. . If we didn't judge ourselves for being an idler, being called one wouldn't affect us because it wouldn't bother us.
Doing something that idlers do, such as spending excessive time on unproductive activities like binge-watching TV shows or scrolling through social media, would be seen as evidence that we are an idler. If we didn't reject ourselves for being an idler, we would see this as a harmless activity or an occasional lapse, not as a defining part of who we are. We would just do what we do, without interpreting it in a negative way.
It’s just an opinion
The belief that we are our feared self is just an opinion, not a fact. It's similar to how self-esteem works: it's something we think is true. For example, thinking “I am an idler” is an unpleasant thought that can distress us. But this isn't a rational belief because we're not always idling, and we're not always busy either. Sometimes we are idling, and sometimes we are active, but neither state fully defines who we are. This kind of judgment isn't helpful because it makes us feel bad about ourselves and can push us to do things we don't want to do or avoid things we actually want to do.
Influence of biases
Several cognitive biases affect our fear of being our feared self:
👉 Confirmation bias: We tend to look for and remember information that confirms what we already believe. If we think we are our feared self, we tend to notice and remember evidence that supports this belief and ignore or downplay evidence that contradicts it.
👉 Negativity bias: We tend to focus more on negative things than positive ones. The belief that we are our feared self often arises from paying more attention to our flaws than our strengths.
👉 Focusing illusion: We tend to overestimate the impact and importance of our perceived negative traits because we focus our attention on them, which contributes to the fear of being our feared self.
👉 Anchoring bias: This is our tendency to rely too heavily on the first piece of information we receive. Early experiences that highlight our flaws can anchor our self-perception, making it difficult to overcome the belief that we are our feared self.
👉 Black-and-white thinking: Also known as all-or-nothing thinking, this involves viewing situations, people, or oneself in extreme, binary terms—either all good or all bad, with no middle ground. This can result in a rigid self-concept where we believe we are either completely successful or utterly failing, leaving little room for a balanced view of our personality and behaviors.
Don't "should" yourself
If you fear being your feared self, you might be plagued by "should" thoughts that drive you to constantly prove you're not that person. You might think, "I should always be in control," or "I should never show any traits I dislike," because you're terrified of slipping into behaviors you associate with your feared self. These thoughts can lead to constant self-monitoring and anxiety, as you're always trying to distance yourself from qualities you perceive as negative. Over time, this can cause you to lose touch with your authentic self, as you focus more on avoiding what you fear rather than embracing who you truly are.
Let go of our feared self
The belief that we are our feared self is just a thought we believe to be true. Letting go of this belief can lead to significant positive changes in our lives:
👉 Releasing negative self-beliefs helps us see ourselves more realistically and positively.
👉 Without thinking we are our feared self, we experience less stress and anxiety.
👉 Without needing to prove we are not our feared self, we can focus on activities we truly enjoy that align with our personal values, principles, and life purpose. Recognizing the compulsory pattern to prove ourselves frees us from this mental prison by allowing us to see the pattern from the outside.
👉 By shedding the fear of being "discovered" as our feared self, we can be more open, authentic, and vulnerable in our relationships, leading to deeper connections.
Here are several key strategies to help us let go of our feared self. Remember, this is not about us, but about the thoughts we have about ourselves.
⚒️ Name your feared self
The technique of naming your feared self involves identifying a particular "type of person" label that evokes a strong negative emotional response within you. This label represents the kind of person you absolutely do not want to be seen as, and being called this name has likely hurt you in the past. By acknowledging and naming this feared self, you can gain insight into your deeper insecurities.
Steps to identify your feared self:
1️⃣ Reflect on hurtful labels: Think about the types of person labels that have hurt you most when used against you. Consider instances when being called a certain name has made you feel particularly upset or defensive.
2️⃣ Determine your feared self: Identify the label that resonates most with your deepest fears about yourself. It must be a word that evokes a strong negative emotional response. Keep searching until you find it. This may take a while as your mind tries to avoid this painful word.
This might be something like "sucker," "wimp," "idler," “misfit,” “outcast,” “reject,” “weirdo,” “creep,” “loner,” “good-for-nothing,” “flake”, “laggard,” “slob,” "amateur," "bad father/mother," "scatterbrain," "dullard," “failure,” “coward,” “loser,” “liar,” “hypocrite,” “cheat,” “weakling,” “nitwit,” “idiot,” “dunce,” “buffoon,” “imbecile,” “fool,” “bonehead,” “nutjob,” “crackpot,” “moron,” “simpleton,” “selfish jerk,” “egoist,” “screwup,” or “fraud.”
3️⃣ Test your reaction: To confirm your feared self, try saying the phrase "I am a/an [label]" aloud or in your mind. Pay attention to your emotional reaction. A strong, negative response indicates that you have found a label that reflects your feared self. If the word makes you cry, then you have definitely found what you are looking for.
By naming your feared self, you confront an aspect of your identity that you deeply wish to avoid. This awareness can be the first step towards addressing and overcoming these fears, allowing you to pursue personal development and emotional resilience.
⚒️ Cognitive reframing
Cognitive reframing, or cognitive restructuring, is a process that helps you identify, challenge, and replace unhelpful thoughts with more positive and functional ones. For example, you can use Byron Katie's four questions and turnaround technique to question your unhelpful thoughts. Suppose the judgmental thought “I am an idler” is fearful for you:
· Is it true? Look for examples that refute the thought that you are an idler.
· Can you absolutely know that it's true? Answer honestly with either “yes” or “no”.
· How do you react when you think that thought? Consider emotional responses like stress and anxiety, and behavioral responses such as constantly trying to prove you’re not an idler and not being open and authentic towards others.
· Who would you be without the thought? Reflect on how you would feel and behave differently if you didn’t have the thought that you are an idler.
Then, perform the turnaround by negating the original thought: “I am not an idler”. Now consider whether the new thought is less true, equally true, or truer for you than the original thought. Find examples in your life where the turnaround seems true.
After completing this process a few times, you may feel a lasting sense of freedom from the painful thought and recognize that your thinking often distorts reality.
⚒️ Create distance from your unhelpful thoughts
Establish some mental distance from your thought about being your feared self to reduce its negative impact.
👉 Before the thought, place the phrase “I am having the thought that…”. So instead of “I am an idler,” tell yourself “I am having the thought that I am an idler”.
👉 Give your thought a name, for example the “I am an idler” thought. Acknowledge a thought when it appears by using its name. “Aha, here’s the ‘I am an idler’ thought again!”
👉 Sing the thought to yourself silently to the tune of a happy song such as Happy Birthday or Happy (from the film Despicable Me 2).
👉 Picture your thoughts as clouds floating across the sky. Let them come and go in the background, without judgment, without getting emotionally involved, while keeping your attention on what you are doing. When your attention is distracted by thoughts, simply bring your attention back to what you are doing.
By implementing these strategies, we can gradually let go of our feared self, fostering a healthier, more balanced self-perception and improving their overall quality of life.
Additional tips
👉 Self-care: Be kind to yourself throughout this process. Treat yourself with the same care and compassion you would offer a best friend. Make room for difficult feelings that arise.
👉 Mindfulness: Practice mindfulness to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings without judgment.
👉 Celebrate small wins: Acknowledge and celebrate your progress, no matter how small.
👉 Patience and persistence: Letting go of your feared self can take time and effort. Be patient with yourself and stay persistent, even if progress seems slow.
👉 Support: Share your fears and struggles with trusted friends or family members. Opening up can reduce the power of your feared self and help you realize you are not alone.
👉 Build positive habits: Establish healthy daily routines that support your physical and mental well-being, such as regular exercise, balanced nutrition, and adequate sleep.
References
The PT/Berkeley Personality Test, Psychology Today, by K. Harary and E. Harary
Philosophy: Self-discrepancy theory, from HandWiki
