Habits: Determine the type of person you want to be
Build identity-based habits by focusing on the type of person you want to be.
It is difficult to form new habits. This is partly because we try to change our habits in the wrong order. We usually start at the level of outcomes, what we want to achieve, rather than at the level of self-stories, who we want to be.
Levels of behaviour change
There are three levels of behaviour change: outcomes, processes and self-stories.
👉 Outcomes (What)
The level of outcomes is about changing your results. Maybe you want to lose weight, gain muscle, eat healthier, quit smoking, become more physically active, acquire new skills, save more money or become more social.
👉 Processes (How)
The level of processes is about changing your behaviour, such as habits, to get your desired results. You may want to stop excessive scrolling on social media and hit the gym three times a week. Or maybe you want to stop stress eating and deal with stress through meditation.
👉 Self-stories (Who)
The level of self-stories is about changing your beliefs about what type of person you are. You may want to change the self-story ‘I am not a natural leader’ to the more helpful self-story ‘Leadership is a skill I can develop.’ Or change the self-story ‘I'm too old to learn new things’ to the more helpful self-story ‘Age is just a number, and I can continue to grow, learn, and adapt throughout my life.’
Self-stories are the stories you tell yourself about who you are. They are the beliefs you have about yourself, about what type of person you are. You have a combination of many self-stories, and these stories can change over time. Self-stories are an important part of your identity. Some examples: I recover quickly from setbacks and see obstacles as challenges. I am the type of person who values truth and honesty. I'm too reserved and find it challenging to initiate social interactions.
Self-stories can sabotage your attempts to change
Your behaviour usually reflects the type of person you think you are. The way you see yourself can significantly hinder your change efforts. It is easy to repeat existing habits because they align with your current self-stories. It is hard to build new habits that don’t align with your self-stories. For example, someone fails to lose weight because of the self-story ‘I just can't resist my food cravings.’ Or someone fails to exercise regularly because of the self-story ‘I am lazy by nature and lack the motivation to exercise regularly’.
Changing behaviour is fundamentally about changing identity. Habits only last if you assign yourself a new story. For example, instead of seeing yourself as someone who wants to eat healthy, identify as a healthy eater. Likewise, instead of wanting to exercise regularly, think of yourself as someone who exercises regularly. The real goal is not just to run a marathon, but to become a runner. The point is not to read twenty books, but to become a reader.
Once a habit and your self-stories are fully aligned you no longer seek to change the habit. This can work against you if you want to change habits that are bad for you in the long run or that are holding you back from reaching the next level of growth. When you've been telling yourself a certain story for years, it's easy to believe it is true. You will resist behaviour that doesn’t align with that self-story because that’s just not who you are. The more deeply your identity is attached to the self-story, the more strongly you will defend it against criticism and the harder it is to change or grow beyond it.
The more you identify with a single belief (narrow frame), the less well you can adapt to changing circumstances. Such beliefs are often based on roles, such as ‘I am an entrepreneur’ or ‘I am an athlete.’ But what happens when you lose that role? For example, when you sell your company or when your sports career ends. If you define yourself in one way and that one way disappears, who are you now? To be more adaptable and limit loss of identity, you can better define yourself in a more flexible way based on the character traits of the type of person you are or want to be (broad frame), such as ‘I am the type of person who is disciplined, reliable, and cooperative.’
It is important to realise that your self-stories are subjective judgements, they are just thoughts in your head. Your unhelpful self-stories are not necessarily true and by definition are not helpful. Therefore, you should hold them lightly rather than taking them too seriously. Don’t get too attached to your self-stories.
How to change your self-stories
You learn your self-stories through experience. By repeating a behaviour you reinforce the self-story that is associated with that behaviour. Going to the gym once doesn’t reinforce the self-story that you are committed to fitness, but going to the gym five days a week month after month does.
Your habits have the most important influence on your self-stories because continually repeating a certain behaviour strengthens the associated self-story over time. The process of building a habit is the process of gradually, step by step, becoming the type of person you want to be. You change who you are by changing what you do.
To change your self-stories, you must first decide what type of person you want to be. And then reinforce this identity by taking small actions that match that type of person.
Determine the type of person you want to be
Determine the type of person you want to be before building new habits or breaking existing ones.
When you want to change habits, you usually focus on the result you want to achieve: what habits do I need to build or break to get the result I want? You often fail to change your habits because your self-stories get in the way.
If you want to change a habit, always focus first on becoming the type of person you want to be, and not on getting the specific result you want to achieve: What are my life purpose and personal values? Who is type of person who can achieve the result I want?
The process of determining what type of person you want to be consists of the following steps. Writing down the outcomes of each step increases the likelihood that you will successfully change your habits and become the type of person you want to be.
1️⃣ Identify which life area is most in need of improvement
Identify the life area that most needs building or breaking one or more habits. Examples of life areas: physical health, emotional health, work, relationships, personal development, family, or finance.
Ask yourself: What life area is most important to improve right now?
This may be the life area that least aligns with your life purpose or personal values, that is most important to you at the moment, that you are least satisfied with, or that will improve other life areas also. Avoid becoming overwhelmed and work on one life area at a time.
You can also do a more thorough life area assessment as described in my Life Design blog: Determine where you are now.
2️⃣ Determine the result you want to achieve
Define the result you want to achieve in the chosen life area. Ask yourself: What specific result do I desire? What does success look like?
Describe the result as SMART as possible: Specific (so there is no ambiguity), Measurable (so you can monitor progress and ensure you're making steady progress), Achievable, Realistic (both to avoid frustration and demotivation), and Time-bound (give the result a deadline to create a sense of urgency).
Some examples: Within two months, develop a habit where I train for at least an hour three times a week. Lose twelve pounds in six months. Within a month, reduce the time I spend on social media to a maximum of thirty minutes per day.
Avoid becoming overwhelmed and only tackle one desired result at a time.
3️⃣ Determine the type of person who can achieve your desired result
Work backwards from your desired result to the type of person who can achieve this result. Ask yourself: Who is the type of person who can achieve the result I want? What are the character traits of such a person?
Example 1: Who is the type of person who can develop the habit of exercising for at least an hour three times a week within two months?
👉 This is the type of person who is disciplined in following exercise schedules and effective at prioritising exercise over other urgent, important activities.
Example 2: Who is the type of person who can lose twelve pounds in six months?
👉 This is the type of person who is able to control impulses and make healthier food choices, and is resilient in recovering from setbacks and staying the course.
Example 3: Who is the type of person who can reduce time spent on social media to a maximum of 30 minutes a day within a month?
👉 This is the type of person who has the self-discipline to set clear boundaries and stick to them, and the ability to delay gratification and resist the impulsive urge to use social media.
4️⃣ Reinforce the type of person you want to be
Take small actions associated with the type of person you want to be.
Once you have decided what type of person you want to be, take small steps to reinforce that identity. Before you decide to do something, you should ask yourself: ‘What would this type of person do?’ And then do what this type of person would do.
For example, if you want to become the type of person who eats healthy food, ask yourself: What would someone who eats healthy do? Would a healthy eater have cheesecake or fresh fruit for dessert? Would a healthy eater drink a sugary drink or water with a meal? And then do what the healthy eater would do.
🎉👏🎈
The first step in habit change is determining the type of person you want to be. You need to know who you want to be before you determine which habits you want to build or break. The next step is to become aware of your current daily habits.
The key question with regard to habits is always: Will this habit help me become the type of person I want to be?
References
Atomic Habits, by James Clear
My blogposts about habits are available here:
https://www.a3lifedesign.com/blog-english/category/Habits
