Determine the kind of person you want to be
To change your habits, start by focusing on who you want to become.
What do you usually focus on when you start working toward a goal?
Are you familiar with the various levels of changing behavior?
In what ways does your current identity impact your capacity for change?
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Building new habits or changing behavior can be tough. One reason is that we often try to do it in the wrong order: we focus on what we want to achieve instead of starting with who we want to become. This is where the BE-DO-HAVE model comes in—it emphasizes that to change what you have or achieve, you must first focus on who you want to be, which then guides what you do. Our current identity can get in the way of change because new behaviors often don’t align with how we see ourselves, making it challenging to adopt them. To make lasting changes, we should first change our identity to align with the changes we want to make.
Levels of behavior change
There are three levels of behavior change: outcomes, processes and identity.
👉 Outcomes (What)
The level of outcomes is about changing your results, such as gaining muscle, losing weight, eating healthier, quitting smoking, being more active, learning new skills, saving more money, or becoming more social. These are the goals you want to achieve as you work towards improving your life.
👉 Processes (How)
The level of processes is about changing your behavior, like your habits, to get the results you want. For example, to gain muscle, you might go to the gym three times a week and follow a strength training routine. To lose weight, you could replace stress eating with healthier coping habits, like practicing meditation or going for a walk when you’re feeling stressed. Goals provide direction, but it's your systems (processes) that determine your progress.
👉 Identity (Who)
The level of identity is about changing how you see yourself. Your identity is shaped by the stories you tell yourself about the kind of person you are, and your mindset—the attitudes and beliefs you hold—plays a key role in shaping these stories. A fixed mindset might lead to self-stories that limit your potential, while a growth mindset encourages stories of learning and resilience. These stories form your beliefs about yourself and create the overall picture of your identity. Identity is like an ongoing story, with each self-story being a part of it. For example, with a growth mindset, you might think, "I recover quickly from setbacks and see obstacles as challenges," while a fixed mindset might lead to a self-story like, "I'm too reserved and find it hard to start conversations.
Your goal says something about who you want to become. If you want to gain muscle, you might need to change the self-story "I'm not the type of person who enjoys working out" to something more helpful, like "I'm someone who takes care of my body and enjoys getting stronger." If you want to lose weight, you may need to change "I always give in to cravings" to "I'm someone who makes healthy choices and manages stress in a positive way."
Your current identity can get in the way
Your actions often match the type of person you believe you are. How you see yourself can significantly impact your ability to change your behavior. It’s easy to stick with old habits because they align with your current identity, while building new habits can be challenging if they don’t match how you view yourself. For example, someone might struggle to lose weight because of the self-story "I just can't resist my food cravings," or fail to exercise regularly because of the self-story "I'm naturally lazy and lack the motivation to work out."
Changing behavior is really about changing how you see yourself. New habits stick when you view yourself in a way that aligns with those habits. For example, instead of just wanting to eat healthily, you should see yourself as a healthy eater. Instead of trying to exercise regularly, identify as someone who exercises regularly. The goal isn’t just to run a marathon; it’s about becoming a runner. It’s not just about reading twenty books; it’s about becoming a reader.
Once a habit and your identity are fully aligned, you stop trying to change the habit. This can be a problem if the habit is bad for you in the long run or is keeping you from growing. If you’ve been telling yourself the same story for years, it’s easy to believe it’s true. You’ll resist behavior that doesn’t fit that story because it doesn’t feel like “who you are.” The more your identity is tied to the story, the more you’ll defend it against criticism, and the harder it becomes to change or grow beyond it.
Define yourself in a flexible way
The more you tie your identity to a single belief, the harder it is to adapt when things change. These beliefs are often linked to roles, like "I am an entrepreneur" or "I am an athlete." But what happens if you lose that role—if you sell your company or your sports career ends? If you only define yourself in one way, and that way disappears, who are you then? To be more adaptable and protect your sense of identity, it’s better to define yourself in a flexible way based on behaviors, like "I am someone who stays disciplined, reliable, and works well with others," rather than tying your identity to a specific role.
It’s important to remember that your self-stories are just subjective judgments—thoughts in your head. Unhelpful stories aren’t necessarily true, and by definition, they don’t help you. So, it’s better to hold them lightly and not take them too seriously. Don’t get too attached to your identity.
How to change your identity
You shape your identity through your experiences. You change who you are by changing what you do.
Doing something repeatedly helps reinforce the identity that goes with it, because each action you take provides evidence of that identity. For instance, going to the gym just once won’t make you feel committed to fitness, but going several days a week for months will. Your habits have the biggest influence on your identity because doing something over and over reinforces the identity linked to that behavior. Building a habit is a gradual process of becoming the kind of person you want to be, step by step.
To change your identity, first decide what kind of person you want to be based on the goal you want to achieve. Then, reinforce that identity by taking small actions that align with it, and immediately celebrate each win along the way to make the action satisfying. For example, you might reward yourself immediately with a favorite healthy treat, share your success with friends, or simply take a moment to acknowledge your achievement. Celebrating your wins, no matter how small, helps create positive feelings that reinforce your new identity, make the journey more enjoyable and keep you motivated to continue. Once the behavior becomes an automatic habit, celebrating won't be necessary anymore.
For example, someone who wants to exercise more can build the belief “I am someone who exercises regularly” by taking small, consistent actions. For example, they might go for a 15-minute walk every day, visit the gym a couple of times a week, join a local sports team, do short workout videos at home or take the stairs instead of the elevator. To celebrate their wins, they could pump their fist in the air immediately after completing a workout, or treat themselves to a fun activity, like enjoying a relaxing bath. Over time, these satisfying behaviors become part of their routine, and their identity as someone committed to fitness becomes stronger.
Determine and reinforce the kind of person you want to be
If you want to change your behavior, like building new habits or dismantling old ones, to achieve a specific goal, start by thinking about the kind of person who can reach that goal, rather than just focusing on the goal itself.
To figure out the type of person you want to be, follow the below steps. Writing down your answers for each step can help you successfully change your habits and become the person you want to be.
1️⃣ Set the personal goal you want to achieve
We usually want to create or dismantle habits because we have a personal goal in mind, like losing weight, exercising more, or saving for retirement. This goal gives us direction, helps us focus, and motivates us to act. Setting a goal is the first step in building or dismantling habits, as it guides the behavior change needed to reach that goal.
If you haven’t set your personal goal yet, see:
🔗 Mastering personal goal setting
2️⃣ Determine the type of person who can reach your goal
Think about your goal and work backward to figure out what kind of person can achieve it. Ask yourself:
🤔 What type of person can reach the result I want?
🤔 What character traits does that person have?
Example 1: Who is the type of person who can develop the habit of exercising for at least an hour three times a week within two months? This is the type of person who is:
👉 Disciplined: Sticks to their exercise schedule.
👉 Organized: Plans ahead to make time for exercise in their routine.
👉 Determined: Stays committed to their fitness goals, even when faced with challenges.
Example 2: Who is the type of person who can lose twelve pounds in six months? This is the type of person who is:
👉 Self-disciplined: Able to control impulses and make healthier food choices.
👉 Resilient: Recovers from setbacks and stays committed to their weight loss journey.
👉 Patient: Understands that weight loss takes time and is willing to stick with their plan for lasting results.
Example 3: Who is the type of person who can reduce time spent on social media to a maximum of 30 minutes a day within a month? This is the type of person who is:
👉 Disciplined: Has the self-discipline to set clear boundaries and stick to them.
👉 Self-aware: Recognizes triggers that lead to excessive social media use and takes steps to avoid them.
👉 Focused: Able to prioritize other activities and interests over the urge to scroll through social media.
3️⃣ Reinforce the type of person you want to be
Consistently take and celebrate actions that match the type of person you want to become.
Once you've figured out what kind of person you want to be, start making choices and taking steps that support that identity. Before doing something, ask yourself:
🤔 What would someone like that do?
And then, act like that type of person would. The more small wins you gather, the more proof you give yourself that you are becoming that kind of person. Immediately celebrating these wins helps keep you motivated as it makes the action more satisfying.
For example, if you want to be the type of person who eats healthy food, ask yourself: What would a healthy eater do? Would they choose cheesecake or fresh fruit for dessert? Would they drink a sugary drink or water with their meal? Then, make the choice a healthy eater would make. Immediately after, celebrate by giving yourself a mental high-five or sharing your success with a friend.
In the beginning, staying consistent is key to building the identity you want. For example, if you want to be the type of person who never misses a workout, even doing a quick 5- or 10-minute workout helps reinforce that identity. Skipping it would support the old identity you’re trying to change. Once the behavior becomes part of who you are through enough repetition, consistency becomes less important.
Use mental rehearsal
You can reinforce the kind of person you want to become by practicing mental rehearsal. This means imagining yourself making choices that align with your desired identity. For example, if you want to be a healthy eater, picture yourself in situations like a restaurant or grocery store where you choose fresh fruit over dessert or water instead of a sugary drink. Or, if you want to be an active person, visualize yourself taking the stairs instead of the elevator or choosing to walk instead of driving short distances. This mental practice helps prepare you for real-life moments, making it easier to act in ways that support who you want to be.
To take it a step further, you can even do a physical rehearsal. For example, if you want to start flossing regularly, go through the motions of taking out the floss and holding it before brushing your teeth, even if you’re not planning to floss right then. This physical step can make the action feel more natural and remind you of your intention to build this habit.
Additional tips
👉 Acknowledge negative thoughts and feelings
When you're trying to become the type of person you want to be, negative thoughts or feelings can come up, such as, "I’m not good enough" or "I’ll never be able to change." Remember, these are just thoughts, not facts. Defuse or question these unhelpful thoughts and allow yourself to feel difficult feelings without letting them hold you back.
👉 Ask others for support
You don’t have to go through this journey alone. Share your goals with friends, family, or a support group. They can help keep you accountable, offer encouragement, and celebrate your successes with you. Surrounding yourself with supportive people makes it easier to stay motivated and reinforces the type of person you want to become.
👉 Practice self-compassion
Being kind to yourself is crucial as you work on becoming the person you want to be. Change can be tough, and setbacks are normal. Treat yourself with the same compassion you’d extend to a close friend. If you stumble, don’t criticize yourself—just refocus and keep moving forward. Practicing self-compassion helps you bounce back and stay motivated on your journey.
👉 Be patient with the process
Changing your identity takes time. It doesn't happen overnight, and it requires consistent effort to build new habits. Be patient with yourself and focus on progress, not perfection. Every small action you take is a step toward becoming the person you want to be, so stay committed and trust the process.
👉 Remember that identity is fluid
Your identity isn’t fixed; it can evolve as you grow. Allow yourself the flexibility to adjust your goals and identity over time. Adapt to new circumstances and keep learning about yourself along the way.
🎉👏🎈
Transforming your behaviors starts with reshaping your identity. By focusing on the type of person you want to be and consistently taking and celebrating actions that align with that identity, you lay the groundwork for lasting change. When you're working on building or dismantling habits, the next step is to make a list of your daily habits and evaluate them.
References
Atomic Habits, by James Clear
