Navigating identity
This page brings together the main points and links to my articles about navigating identity. Explore these ideas to learn how to better understand yourself, embrace change, and build a life aligned with your personal values and goals.
Identity is the way we see and define ourselves, both as individuals and as members of social groups.
It is a complex concept that evolves over time and is shaped by many factors, including our experiences, relationships, and environment. It includes external characteristics such as height or race, as well as internal attributes like abilities, personality traits, opinions, and beliefs. It also encompasses the roles we play in life, such as being a child, friend, or colleague. Identity is the answer to questions like “Who am I?” and “Who do I want to be?”. Reflecting on the gap between who we are and who we want to be can inspire growth and meaningful change.
Identity shapes how we see the world and influences the choices we make every day. A clear sense of identity can give us direction and purpose, making it easier to set goals and make decisions that align with our personal values. However, identity can also limit us if we hold onto rigid ideas about who we are or who we should be. This might lead to missed opportunities for growth. For example, someone who sees themselves as “not creative” might avoid trying art or writing, even if they could discover a new talent or passion. Similarly, someone who identifies strongly with a specific career might feel lost if they can no longer work in that field.
Being flexible and open to change in how we see ourselves allows us to adapt and explore new possibilities. Instead of defining ourselves by fixed labels or roles, we can focus on our values, interests, or the qualities we want to develop. For instance, rather than saying, “I’m not creative,” we might say, “I’m open to learning and experimenting.” Likewise, someone who loses a long-held job might feel uncertain about their future and struggle with their sense of identity. By focusing on the skills they developed in that role—such as problem-solving or mentoring—they can see themselves as capable and valuable in new settings. This approach helps us grow and build a life that reflects what truly matters to us.
Identities are often prematurely chosen
A chosen identity is not always carefully explored but is instead shaped by what others expect or what seems easiest at the time. Identity foreclosure happens when someone settles on an identity—like a career or role—without exploring other possibilities for who they can be. This might involve unthinkingly adopting the expectations of others, like parents, teachers, or the community. It can also stem from WYSIATI bias (What You See Is All There Is), where decisions are made based on limited information without considering the bigger picture or alternative paths.
Failing to take the time to figure out what truly fits means missing the opportunity to explore different paths and discover what feels meaningful or fulfilling. Instead, identities are often shaped by a small set of random, limited experiences or circumstances. For instance, someone might see themselves as a doctor simply because their family expects it, without exploring other interests or options. Similarly, limited experience might lead someone to believe they are not as social as others, resulting in behaviors that reinforce this belief. Such premature identities can create unnecessary limitations and hold back potential growth.
Define yourself in more fundamental ways
We often define ourselves by a job or role, like being an entrepreneur or athlete. This starts early in childhood when people ask, "What do you want to do when you grow up?" Rarely does anyone ask, "What kind of person do you want to become?" The more we tie our identity to a single job or role, the harder it becomes to adapt when life changes. If we sell our company or our sports career ends, and that one role was our entire identity, what happens then? Who are we beyond that?
Losing such a narrowly defined identity can lead to emotional distress, a loss of self-worth, and difficulty embracing new opportunities. It can even leave us grappling with identity paralysis, unsure of who we can be without that role. This is especially true shortly after retirement, when rates of ill health and death are higher. The sudden loss of a job that once shaped a person’s identity can create significant stress on both the body and mind, making it harder to adjust to a new way of life.
There are many ways to define ourselves that make it easier to stay adaptable and resilient. Instead of tying our identity to what we do (What, Do), focus on deeper qualities like personal values or character traits, such as being curious, disciplined, or kind (Who, Be). Another option is centering our identity on transferable skills, like problem-solving, or adopting a mindset of growth and learning. These more fundamental foundations can guide us through change and help us discover new paths that feel meaningful. If it’s unclear how to define yourself, ask: What qualities, values, or skills matter most to me? Then, use these to shape how you see yourself.
Hold your identity lightly
It’s important to remember that the self-stories making up our identity are just subjective judgments—thoughts in our head. Unhelpful stories aren’t necessarily true, and by definition, they don’t help us. Holding these stories lightly and not taking them too seriously can free us from unnecessary limitations. Avoid becoming too attached to any single identity.
All articles
Reflecting on identity is not just about understanding who we are—it’s about opening up new ways to grow, connect with others, and find meaning in our lives. The articles that follow provide practical insights to help you explore and navigate your identity with curiosity and compassion.
📝 How to hold your self-stories lightly
The stories we tell ourselves about who we are affect how we think, feel, and act. To reduce the negative impact of unhelpful self-stories, try not to take them too seriously.
📝 Determine the kind of person you want to be
Our current identity can make it hard to change because new behaviors might not fit with how we see ourselves. This can make it difficult to adopt new habits. To make lasting changes, we need to start by changing how we see ourselves so that it matches the changes we want to make.
Self-esteem isn’t based on facts—it’s how we judge our own worth. When your self-esteem is low, you might feel bad about yourself, and when it’s high, you might feel pressure to keep proving your worth. Instead of focusing on self-esteem, it’s more helpful to practice self-acceptance and self-compassion, which will help you create the life you truly desire.
The Be-Do-Have model emphasizes the importance of first becoming the type of person who embodies the qualities needed to achieve your desired goals (Be). This shapes the actions you take (Do), which ultimately leads to the results you want to achieve (Have).
📝 How to handle falling short of your ideal self
The ideal self represents the best version of who we want to be, based on our goals and values. Not living up to this ideal can make us feel dissatisfied, stressed, or ashamed. To resolve this, we need to accept our imperfections, adjust our expectations, and align our actions with our personal values.
The feared self is the kind of person we really don’t want to be. It can drive us to act in ways that prove we're not like that, instead of doing things because they truly matter or energize us.
📝 Have compassion for yourself
Most of us are hard on ourselves when we notice a flaw or mistake, thinking that being tough on ourselves will help us get better. Instead, we should treat ourselves the same way we would treat a good friend—with kindness and understanding.
📝 Overcoming the fear of rejection
Rejection can hurt, so it’s natural to avoid situations where we think it might happen. To make rejection feel less painful, try putting yourself in situations where it might happen and practice handling it. You can also reframe rejection by seeing it as a chance to learn or grow rather than as a personal failure.
References
Atomic Habits, by James Clear
The happiness trap, by Dr Russ Harris
A Liberated Mind, by Steven C. Hayes, PhD
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, by Dr. Kristin Neff
Identity, Psychology Today