Uncover the unhelpful beliefs behind your difficult feelings
Understand the messages of your feelings to achieve greater emotional freedom.
Do you often experience strong, difficult feeling that seem out of proportion to the situation?
Have you noticed any patterns in the situations that lead to these difficult emotions?
Have you thought about the possibility that these feelings might be signaling something deeper that needs your attention?
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We often try to avoid, suppress, or get rid of difficult feelings because we naturally prefer to feel good and steer clear of emotional discomfort. However, it's important to make space for these feelings and allow them to be, rather than pushing them away. And whenever we experience intense feelings, we need to step back from these feelings to view things more broadly and objectively. While feelings are not facts, they serve as signals, often trying to tell us something important.
Evolutionary origins of feelings
Feelings evolved to increase the chances of survival and reproduction. They guided human attention, actions, and decisions by signaling important things, such as threats, challenges, and opportunities. Feelings like fear and anger helped early humans respond to dangers in their environment. Fear triggered the "fight-or-flight" response, enabling them to avoid danger or prepare for combat, while anger helped them defend themselves or assert dominance. As social animals, humans developed feelings like affection and joy to promote social bonding, cooperation, and group cohesion. Feelings of attachment helped parents care for their children, ensuring the survival of their genes, while feelings like desire and attraction drove individuals to seek mates.
Difficult feelings based on unhelpful beliefs
Most feelings come and go naturally, reacting appropriately to what’s happening around us—like feeling nervous before a big presentation or sad after a breakup. These are normal emotional responses to life’s challenges. But sometimes, a difficult feeling sticks around or feels way stronger than the situation calls for. These intense or persistent feelings are often caused by what we believe inside, rather than what’s happening outside.
These internal beliefs—like thinking poorly of ourselves, setting impossible standards, or having deep-seated assumptions—can change how we see and react to situations. For example, you might feel anxious during a meeting, not because of the meeting itself, but because you believe, "If I make a mistake, people will think I’m not good enough." A negative self-image can make you see constructive feedback as a personal failure, leading to feelings of shame or anxiety. Unrealistic expectations, like believing you need to be perfect, can cause frustration when things don’t go exactly as planned. When these beliefs drive our feelings, they can make us suffer and affect our lives negatively.
By exploring persistent or intense feelings, we can uncover hidden beliefs that affect how we see ourselves and the world. Understanding these emotional signals helps us break free from unhelpful patterns and limiting beliefs, freeing ourselves from their constraints, allowing us to live more authentically and in alignment with our personal values.
Some examples of feelings based on unhelpful beliefs:
👉 Anger might come up when we feel disrespected, but underneath, there could be a belief like, "I'm not valued." Another reason might be the belief that people don’t listen to us or that we're being ignored over time.
👉 Anxiety might show up in social situations, but if we look deeper, it could be tied to the belief, "If people see the real me, they’ll reject me." Another belief might be, "I don’t belong," which could come from past experiences of feeling judged or excluded.
👉 Shame might arise after making a mistake at work, pointing to a belief like, "I'm not good enough." It can also stem from having very high standards and believing we’ll never be able to meet them.
Beneath the surface
Just like an iceberg, where only a small part is visible above the water, our difficult feelings often reveal just a fraction of what's really going on beneath the surface. These feelings are often signals of deeper, hidden beliefs—like low self-esteem or unrealistic expectations—that shape how we respond to the world around us. By exploring what lies beneath, we can uncover these underlying beliefs and begin to understand and manage our feelings more effectively.
How to uncover the underlying beliefs of difficult feelings
As mentioned earlier, our feelings are often valid reactions to what’s happening around us. However, when a feeling feels too intense for the situation or keeps coming back, it often signals something deeper—an internal belief that’s fueling it.
By exploring these difficult feelings with curiosity, we can uncover the unhelpful beliefs driving them. Curiosity allows us to be open and receptive to what our feelings are trying to tell us, without judgment or self-criticism. Once we identify these beliefs, we can start letting go of them and reduce the emotional suffering they cause. Although this process might feel unfamiliar at first, with practice, it becomes a powerful tool for understanding yourself better. Here’s a method to guide you:
1️⃣ Acknowledge and name the feeling
When a difficult feeling arises, don’t push it away or try to fix it immediately. Acknowledge that it’s there. You might say to yourself, “I’m feeling really anxious right now.”
Naming the feeling is important because it helps you create a bit of distance from the feeling, allowing you to observe it rather than getting caught up in it. Being specific about what you're feeling can give you clearer insight into what's really going on. For example, there's a difference between feeling "angry" and feeling "frustrated," or between feeling "anxious" and feeling "overwhelmed."
It's also easy to mistake one emotion for another. Sometimes, we might think we're feeling angry when we're actually feeling hurt or sad. This can happen because certain emotions, like anger, can feel safer or more familiar to express than others, like vulnerability or fear. By taking the time to accurately name the feeling, we can better understand what’s truly behind it.
2️⃣ Examine the facts of the situation
Before diving into your feeling, take a moment to objectively look at the external facts of the situation that triggered the feeling—what actually happened in the outside world. Focus on what you observed, without judgment, criticism, blame, or evaluation.
Ask yourself questions like:
🤔 What exactly happened? Stick to what you observed, don’t evaluate.
🤔 Who was involved, and what did I observe them say or do?
🤔 What was my role in this situation?
Additionally, consider whether this feeling is part of a recurring pattern. Reflect on:
🤔 Have I felt this way in other situations before? Think of examples where you have felt this way.
🤔 What do these situations have in common?
🤔 What triggers this feeling consistently?
By clarifying the facts and recognizing patterns, you can better understand the context of your feelings and determine whether they are proportional to the situation. This step helps provide a solid foundation for the next phase of exploring the underlying causes of the feeling.
3️⃣ Uncover the causes underlying the feeling
Taking into account the external facts of the situation, now turn inward and explore what’s really behind your difficult feeling. Treat the feeling as a messenger, carrying important information about what’s going on beneath the surface in your internal world—your beliefs, which can take the form of thoughts, mindsets, self-image, assumptions, expectations, or attitudes. Approach it with a gentle sense of curiosity instead of judgment—you're trying to understand it, not criticize yourself for having it.
For example, if you're feeling angry, think about what belief might be behind it, like "I'm not important" or "No one listens to me." Low self-esteem is often at the root of difficult feelings. When you have a negative view of yourself, it can lead to feelings like shame or anxiety in different situations. This can also tie into your "feared self"—the version of you that you're afraid you might be or that others might see. For instance, if you believe you're a bad parent, even small criticisms or setbacks can trigger strong emotional reactions.
To dive deeper, ask yourself open-ended questions like:
🤔 What is this feeling trying to tell me? This can be about an unmet need or personal value, or one or more unhelpful beliefs.
🤔 What am I believing about myself (self-image), others or the situation right now?
🤔 What unmet need or personal value is this feeling highlighting for me?
These questions can help you uncover the root cause of the feeling, whether it's tied to a belief or an unmet need or personal value. By exploring these layers, you can gain a better understanding of what’s really going on and how to address it.
You might summarize your findings with a sentence like this:
In [the situations that trigger the difficult feeling], I feel [the feeling] because I [underlying cause].
If the feeling stems from a situation where there’s an unmet need or personal value, the best approach is to address that situation directly. This might mean having a conversation, setting boundaries, or taking action to meet that need or value. Remember that our basic needs revolve around connection, autonomy, and competence. By doing something about the external circumstances related to these needs or values, you can help alleviate the feeling and create a more supportive environment for yourself. Once you've addressed any external matters, you can then focus on letting go of any underlying beliefs that may be affecting you.
4️⃣ Let go of the underlying beliefs
Each time you experience the difficult feeling, this step helps you address it by reflecting on the beliefs driving it. The goal is to let go of the underlying beliefs that no longer serve you. This can be tough, especially if you’ve held onto these beliefs for a long time, but it’s an important step toward emotional growth and freedom.
By questioning and defusing the belief whenever the feeling comes up, you can gradually loosen its grip, allowing you to let go of the belief and reframe it into a more supportive one.
👉 Question the belief
Question the belief by asking yourself:
🤔 Is this belief actually based on facts, or is it a distorted view of myself or the situation?
🤔 Does holding onto this belief help me, or is it causing me more harm than good?
You might find it helpful to use Byron Katie’s "Four Questions" technique to challenge your beliefs: Is it true? Can you absolutely know that it's true? How do you react when you think that thought? Who would you be without the thought?
👉 Defuse the belief
Defuse the belief by creating distance between yourself and the belief, recognizing it as just an opinion rather than a fact. For example, you can say to yourself, 'I'm having the thought that I’m not good enough,' instead of 'I’m not good enough,' which separates you from the belief. Another way is to visualize the belief as a passing cloud or leaf floating down a stream, reminding yourself that it’s temporary and doesn’t define you.
👉 Reframe the belief
Recognizing that the belief is untrue or unhelpful gives you the power to release it. Shift your focus to a more compassionate perspective. Reframe the old belief by looking at it differently. Instead of thinking, "I'm not good enough," try, "I am capable of growth and learning." Similarly, if you find yourself thinking, "I'll never succeed," consider reframing it to, "I have faced challenges before and can overcome them again."
Letting go doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings; it means acknowledging the impact of old patterns and actively choosing to move forward in a way that supports your well-being and personal values. This creates space for new, empowering beliefs to grow, leading to greater emotional resilience and freedom.
Additional tips
👉 Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself like you would a good friend. When you're feeling down, remind yourself that everyone struggles. Speak kindly to yourself, acknowledge your feelings, and offer support instead of criticism.
👉 Practice mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness practices, such as meditation or deep breathing, to help center yourself and create space between your thoughts and reactions. This can make it easier to address unhelpful beliefs.
👉 Celebrate small wins: Acknowledge and celebrate small steps toward letting go of unhelpful beliefs. This reinforces positive change and boosts your confidence.
👉 Connect with others: Reach out to friends or family for support. Sharing your feelings with someone who cares can help you feel understood and less alone.
👉 Engage in joyful activities: Spend time doing things that bring you joy or fulfillment. This can help shift your focus away from negative beliefs and reinforce a positive mindset.
References
It’s Not Enough to Feel Your Feelings, Psychology Today, by Elizabeth Sadock Ph.D.
