Harnessing the power of shame
Open up about your shame and let it lead you to what you truly want.
How often do you feel ashamed because you think you’re not good enough?
Do you try to hide, ignore, or avoid feeling ashamed?
Do you know that underneath your shame there is a desire for connection with others?
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Shame is the painful feeling we get when we think we’re not good enough as a person. Believing that we don't live up to our own or others' standards makes us feel ashamed about who we are, not just what we did. We often feel ashamed when we make a mistake in public, don’t meet expectations, or do something we think is wrong or awkward, like saying something silly. When this happens, we might blush, avoid eye contact, or fidget, which makes the feeling even more annoying as these visible physical reactions are hard to hide.
Shame is about wanting to belong
Shame is a social feeling that happens when we feel we don't measure up to certain standards, making us fear rejection or judgment from others. It's tied to our basic psychological need to belong and can make us feel unworthy of acceptance and belonging, leading to thoughts like, "I'm not lovable at all" or "I'm such a loser." People with low self-esteem are more likely to feel ashamed because they doubt their worth. Shame is about social survival and pushes us to fit in and protect our reputation by facing inward and making us criticize ourselves.
When we feel ashamed, we want to run away and hide because we're afraid others will see that we're not good enough. We often repress and hide our shame because, ironically, we're ashamed of it. Shame can also stop us from reaching out for help, such as when someone is struggling with debt or stuck in a toxic relationship, because they fear being judged. In intimate relationships, shame can lead to keeping secrets, like hiding feelings for someone else or having an affair, because we're too ashamed to share the truth. This secrecy can create distance between partners and make it hard to connect.
Shame is closely tied to the values and standards we and society see as important, especially moral values, like being honest, caring, or conscientious. When we feel ashamed, we experience cognitive dissonance—a conflict between who we think we are and who we want to be, and between how we think we should relate to others and how we actually do. This makes us act in ways that try to reduce the discomfort, like avoiding the situation or changing our behavior to align more with our values.
Feeling ashamed goes way back to our early ancestors who relied on their tribe to survive. If they were kicked out, they wouldn’t make it, so shame developed as a way to keep us in line. It tells us we need to change something to avoid being rejected. Shame helps us behave responsibly and shows others that we know when we've messed up and are trying to do better, which helps build trust.
Women often feel most ashamed when they act in ways that seem selfish or uncaring, like neglecting their children’s needs or not supporting a friend in crisis. Men usually feel most ashamed when their weaknesses are exposed, like being unable to stand up for themselves in a conflict, showing emotion while watching a sentimental movie, or feeling ashamed.
Harmful effects of too much shame
Shame can be harmful when we feel it too often or too strongly. Instead of focusing on improving, we might spend a lot of energy trying to hide the flaws we are ashamed of, even from people we care about. We withdraw, stay away from others, and don't learn anything new. This holds us back from growing, improving, and becoming the person we want to be. When we constantly feel ashamed, we might stop taking action and feel helpless, which can lead to depression. This then creates a vicious cycle because feeling depressed makes us feel even more ashamed. This can eventually lead to anxiety disorders, burnout, physically hurting ourselves, or thoughts of suicide. When you're very ashamed, you might feel like you don't deserve to exist.
Harmful effects of too little shame
Having too little shame can harm relationships because the person might not care about how their actions affect others, showing a lack of empathy. This can make the person act selfish, rude, scandalous, or hurtful. For instance, someone who doesn't feel shame might lie or cheat often, only thinking about themselves and not the trust they're breaking. In social situations, this could show up as making rude or offensive comments without worrying about how others feel. Over time, this lack of concern for others can push people away, as friends and family may distance themselves to avoid the discomfort or pain caused by the shameless behavior. Without a healthy sense of shame, a person may also struggle to learn from their mistakes since they don’t feel the need to think about how they impact others. This can lead to a pattern of bad choices and strained relationships.
Biases involved
Shame can be influenced by several cognitive biases, including:
👉 Negativity bias: This bias makes us focus more on negative experiences than positive ones. When we feel ashamed, we blow negative events out of proportion, making us feel worse about ourselves.
👉 Confirmation bias: This happens when we look for information that supports our negative view of ourselves and ignore evidence that says otherwise. When we're ashamed, we only notice things that reinforce our sense of inadequacy.
👉 Overgeneralization: This means taking one bad experience and applying it to our whole self. For example, if we mess up once, we might think we’re a failure overall, which makes us feel ashamed.
👉 Black-and-white thinking: This involves seeing things in extremes, like thinking we’re either perfect or a total failure. Shame can make us think this way, leading us to judge ourselves harshly if we don’t meet high standards.
👉 Personalization: This bias makes us take things too personally, believing that everything bad that happens is our fault or reflects our own shortcomings. Shame can make us blame ourselves for things that aren't really our fault.
A two-sided coin
Shame can be compared to a coin with two sides. On one side, it helps us fit in and follow social norms, guiding us to behave in ways that build trust and connect with others. On the other side, it can make us feel deeply inadequate and cause us to hide our flaws or avoid situations where we might be judged. Just like a coin has both heads and tails, shame has both helpful and harmful effects, showing that its impact on us can be complex and two-sided.
How to harness the power of shame
It might seem strange, but we can actually be proud of feeling ashamed. For example, we might feel ashamed of a past mistake, but also proud that this feeling pushed us to take responsibility and grow. Or we might be ashamed of how we treated someone, but proud that this shame motivated us to apologize and do better. In these cases, shame shows that we're staying true to our personal values and working to make positive changes, so we can be proud of how feeling ashamed helps us improve.
Shame can be a source of strength because it points to something we deeply want—a desire hidden beneath the shame. We often try to avoid or hide our shame because it feels awful, but that only offers temporary relief and disconnects us from what we truly want. Instead of pushing shame away, we should embrace it and let it guide us toward what we really want. We free ourselves from shame when we allow it to exist, share it openly with others, and let it guide us toward our true, authentic desire. Hiding our shame creates a mental prison, revealing it sets us free.
⚒️ Move from shame to the underlying desire for connection
Feelings of shame often come with a fear of rejection as underneath the shame is a desire for connection. The following steps can help you move past your shame and find that deeper desire. You’ll become aware that you’re feeling ashamed, understand what you're ashamed of, recognize what you desire, and identify who you want to connect with.
1️⃣ Become aware that you are ashamed
Everything starts with recognizing when you feel shame. Since you often hide shame from yourself, look at your behavior to spot it. Notice when you try to hide from the outside world or fight against it, or act in ways that seem awkward or hard to understand. There are many ways shame can show up, including shrinking away, covering your eyes, blushing, keeping conversations with family and friends superficial, turning to addictions, or not telling your partner about losing your job. When someone cheats, they lie and deceive their partner. Cheating usually means they feel shame about their desires outside the relationship; if they weren’t ashamed, they would be honest with their partner.
2️⃣ Acknowledge the shame
Once you notice the signs of shame, acknowledge it by saying to yourself, “Hey, I’m feeling ashamed.” This can be painful because it might make you feel like you’re not good enough and lead you to judge your whole self harshly. Shame can highlight your social and moral flaws in your relationships with others. However, feeling ashamed also shows that you want to be a better person, to learn, and to grow. Facing your shame directly can turn it into a motivating force that helps you make meaningful changes.
3️⃣ Describe the shame
Describe the gap between who you are now and the group norm you’re not meeting, and consider how you feel about that gap. To do this, answer the following questions:
🤔 What does the shame say about who I am now?
🤔 What does the group norm say about who I should be?
🤔 How do I feel about the gap? You might feel that you want to fit in better with the group norm, or you might think the group norm needs to change.
Example 1 – Someone who feels ashamed about their struggle with alcohol addiction
👉 The shame makes you see yourself as someone who struggles with addiction, feels out of control, and believes you’re letting yourself and others down.
👉 The group norm says you should be sober, in control, and making healthy choices like those around you who don’t have a problem with alcohol.
👉 You might feel disappointed, guilty, or frustrated that you’re not living up to the expectations of being sober and healthy. These feelings might push you to finally overcome the addiction.
Example 2 – Someone who feels ashamed to work for a company with unethical business practices
👉 The shame makes you see yourself as someone who feels uncomfortable with the unethical practices at work. You might feel like you’re going against your own personal values.
👉 The group norm says you should go along with these practices to succeed and fit in at the company, suggesting that results matter more than honesty.
👉 You strongly believe the group norm is wrong and that sticking to your ethical standards is more important than fitting in. This gap likely makes you feel uneasy or frustrated, which might push you to leave the company and find a workplace that aligns with your values.
4️⃣ Investigate your desire
Look into the desire behind the group norm you’re not meeting by first understanding the value behind the norm, then describing what you truly desire.
👉 In the previous step, you described the group norm you’re not meeting that’s causing your shame. A norm is a specific expectation that you’re required to meet. For example:
· You shouldn’t cheat on your partner.
· You should act ethically in your job.
· You shouldn’t be addicted to alcohol.
· You shouldn’t lie to your friends.
👉 Behind every norm there is a deeper value. Understanding this helps you embrace your shame. Investigate what value lies behind the group norm you’re not meeting. For the examples above:
· Trust and loyalty in relationships.
· Integrity and honesty in professional conduct.
· Personal responsibility and self-control.
· Honesty and trust in friendships.
👉 This deeper value points you to your deeper desire. Describe exactly what you really want. For the examples above:
· I desire to rebuild trust and stay loyal. Or: I desire more freedom to express love in other ways.
· I desire to align my actions with my integrity and honesty. Or: I desire to find a workplace that matches these values.
· I desire to gain control and take responsibility for my health. Or: I desire support in managing emotional issues.
· I desire to strengthen honesty and trust in my friendships. Or: I wish for relationships where I feel more accepted as I am.
In this way you can figure out your true desire by balancing norms, values, and what you really want.
5️⃣ Investigate who you want to connect with
The desire behind your shame is a need to belong and connect with others.
As social beings, we naturally want to help each other and do good. Feeling ashamed shows that you care about your relationships with others. Take some time to think about who you really want to connect with. It could be your family, close friends, a professional community, or a romantic partner. If you discover that your desire doesn’t match the group you’re in, it can be difficult and may mean parting ways with certain people or groups.
⚒️ Make shame your strength
Once you’ve identified the values and the desire for connection that underlie your shame, take action to free yourself from it.
The first important step in freeing yourself from shame is to share it with others instead of hiding it. This can be scary because it goes against your natural instinct to either escape or defend yourself (fight or flight). Displaying your shame is the opposite of what you’d normally do, as it reveals your desire for connection and makes you vulnerable to rejection. But this is necessary because revealing your shame is healing in itself. It removes your fear of being exposed, and often leads to others recognizing and relating to your experience, making you feel less alone. Shame fades when it’s brought into the open, much like darkness disappears in the light. You might find yourself laughing at it instead of taking it so seriously. If needed, mentally zoom out and look at yourself and the situation from a distance, like you’re watching someone else.
Then, depending on the situation, you can free yourself from shame in one of four ways:
👉 Accept yourself: If you can’t change what you are ashamed of, like living with an incurable disease or a chronic disability, all you can do is share your shame and accept your imperfect self. Showing your shame helps you tolerate it and make peace with what you’re ashamed of. Most people will respond with understanding and acceptance, and those who don’t aren’t the right people for you.
👉 Improve yourself: Sometimes, shame shows you there's something you need to improve about yourself. For example, you might need to quit a bad habit, get a job, improve your health, or develop a new skill. Let the desire beneath your shame guide you as you take action and work toward that improvement. Decide what steps you'll take to make progress, and then follow through.
👉 Improve your environment: If the shame isn’t your fault, focus on improving your environment, because in this case, it’s the group norm that’s wrong. For example, you might decide to leave a company with unethical business practices or speak up when your group of friends regularly engages in hurtful gossip. In situations like this, the best choice is to leave or challenge the environment around you to make a positive change.
👉 Improve yourself and your environment: If the shame lies with both you and your environment, you need to improve both. For example, if you're struggling with addiction, you might need to not only work on breaking the habit but also move to a new environment that supports your recovery. Or, if you're trying to improve your health, you may need to change your own lifestyle while also surrounding yourself with people who encourage healthy choices. Improving both yourself and your environment will make it easier to succeed.
Additional tips
👉 Be compassionate with yourself: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would with a friend who is struggling. Recognize that everyone makes mistakes and experiences shame.
👉 Practice mindfulness: Stay present and observe your shame without judgment. This helps in reducing its power over you.
👉 Seek professional help if needed: If shame feels overwhelming or persistent, consider talking to a therapist for additional support and guidance.
👉 Seek support: Connect with friends, family, or support groups. Sharing your feelings with others can provide comfort and insight.
👉 Prioritize self-care: Engage in activities that nurture your physical and emotional health. Regular exercise, healthy eating, and relaxation techniques can improve your overall mood.
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Ultimately, freeing yourself from shame takes courage and action. Once you’ve identified the values and desires behind your shame, make a plan and take the steps to address it. Shame loses its power when it is shared with others and brought into the open. Whether it’s accepting yourself, improving yourself, changing your environment, or both, remember that by sharing and taking action, you give yourself the chance to grow and live a more authentic, connected life.
References
Nooit meer doen alsof: Denk je schaamte om en maak het je kracht, Aukje Nauta
