You want the better feeling it produces, not the habit itself.

Do you have bad habits that feel impossible to quit?

Which bad habit do you find the hardest to change?

Are you ready to discover an effective method to change bad habits?

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To dismantle a bad habit, you can try to make the cue invisible, the craving less attractive, the response harder, or the reward less satisfying. If this doesn’t work, try replacing the habit by focusing on the reason behind it. You keep the cue and the reward, but change the response. For example, if relaxation is the reason behind eating a piece of cake, going for a walk could provide that same feeling. Or, if the urge to smoke comes from needing a quick break, chewing gum could offer a similar momentary pause.

Bad habits are things you keep doing regularly that may harm you in the long run. You repeat them because they immediately give you a positive feeling, and the long-term harm isn’t obvious right away. Smoking, for example, has many bad effects on the body over time, but each cigarette gives a feeling of relaxation right away. Similarly, drinking sugary drinks regularly can lead to obesity and diseases like type 2 diabetes, but in the moment, these drinks make you feel good by triggering your brain's reward system.

Every behavior has an underlying reason: the need that it meets. A need is a desire to feel better. It's the craving to close the gap between how you feel now and how you want to feel. You might want to feel relaxed, rested, loved, valued, connected, entertained, accepted, hydrated, well-fed, fit, healthy, confident, safe, or just happy. This desire to close the gap between where you are now and where you want to be is what motivates you to act.

A habit is a specific expression of an underlying motive. To feel a certain way, you do things you’ve learned to associate with that feeling through repetition. For example, when John is stressed, he automatically lights a cigarette to relax. When Amy is thirsty, she drinks a sugary beverage to feel refreshed. And when Alex gets bored, he habitually picks up his phone and mindlessly scrolls through social media to keep himself entertained.

A habit is just a means to an end, a way to get what you really want. You don’t really want the habit itself; you want the better feeling it gives you. John doesn’t want to smoke; he wants to feel relaxed. Amy doesn’t want to drink sugary beverages; she wants to feel refreshed. Alex doesn’t want to scroll through social media; he wants to feel entertained. A similar idea is explained in the blog post "What you think you want is not what you really want": you don't want the goal itself; you want what achieving the goal will give you.

There are many ways to achieve a specific better feeling. For example, to feel less nervous in social situations, one person drinks alcohol, while another uses mindfulness techniques. To satisfy cravings between meals, one person might eat chips or cake, while another chooses fruit or a handful of nuts.

Performing a bad habit is probably not the best way to achieve a better feeling; it's just something someone has gotten used to. Instead of smoking a cigarette to relieve stress, John could try a short meditation, exercise for a few minutes, or take a quick walk. And instead of drinking a sugary beverage to hydrate, Amy could drink water with a slice of lemon, unsweetened green tea, or fresh vegetable juice. These healthier options can give the same short-term benefit without the negative effects later on.

Replace a bad habit by a better one

To replace a bad habit with a better one, you can use two key ideas:

👉 You don't want the habit itself; you want the better feeling it gives you.

👉 There are many ways to achieve that better feeling.

First, identify the cue, the response and the reward of the bad habit. The reward is what you really need from the habit. Next, choose a healthier behavior that fulfills that need. Shift your perspective to make the better behavior seem more appealing, and keep practicing it until it becomes your new habit.

1️⃣ Examine the bad habit

To examine the bad habit, ask yourself the following questions and answer them as clearly as you can.

🤔 Response: What behavior do I want to change?  Identify the specific behavior you want to replace with a more helpful one. For example: “I want to stop smoking cigarettes,” “I want to cut back on sugary snacks,” or “I want to reduce my screen time before bed.”

🤔 Cue: What activates this response? Determine what triggers the behavior you want to change. For example: “I usually want to smoke when I'm stressed or after a meal,” “I tend to reach for sugary snacks when I’m bored in the afternoon,” or “I use my phone in bed when I can’t fall asleep right away.”

You may need to observe your behavior for a few days to identify what triggers it. Most cues fall into five categories: location, time, emotional state, other people, or the action that came right before. Each time you feel the urge to do the behavior you want to change, pause and notice where you are, what time it is, how you feel emotionally (for instance, whether you’re bored, stressed, or excited), who else is around, and what you were doing just before. Write down these observations to spot any patterns in your triggers. Recognizing how certain emotional states or specific situations lead you toward the unwanted behavior is essential, as it allows you to address these triggers directly. This level of awareness makes it easier to change the behavior and create lasting change.

🤔 Reward (need): How does the response make me feel right away? Think about how the response makes you feel in the moment. For example: “Smoking makes me feel relaxed,” “Eating sugary snacks gives me a quick energy boost,” or “Checking my phone gives me a sense of connection.”

Finding the response and cue is usually pretty straightforward, but figuring out the reward can be more challenging. For example, when smoking at work, ask yourself what you get out of it. Do you crave relaxation? A break away from your desk? Connection with colleagues?

You may need to try different things to figure out what you’re really craving, and this might take some time. Think of yourself as a scientist experimenting with different options. For example, to see if relaxation is what you want, try deep breathing exercises, meditate for a few minutes, or listen to calming music instead of smoking. To investigate if you just need a break, take a short break away from your desk without smoking. If you feel like you want social connection, chat with colleagues without smoking. If one of these alternatives helps reduce your desire to smoke, you've found what you are really craving. If none of these options work, keep looking for something else that might meet your needs.  

2️⃣ Choose a more helpful behavior

Once you've figured out the underlying need, pick a better behavior that can satisfy that need.

Start by making a list of helpful behaviors that can meet your craving and replace your current bad behavior. You can find ideas by looking online at trusted sources, reading books, listening to podcasts, or asking experts for advice. Many bad habits and their alternatives have already been studied and written about by others. You can also get suggestions by talking to friends, your partner, or family members. If you need more ideas, consider brainstorming or brainwriting.

Next, choose a behavior from your list that you think will meet your craving and try it out for a week or two. Meeting your craving is important, else the new behavior will be considered as less attractive than the old one.  After trying it, reflect on how it made you feel and whether it met your craving. If the behavior is working or you’re not yet sure that it will, then continue using it. If the behavior clearly isn’t working, think about why it wasn’t successful, and adjust it or keep trying other options from your list until you find one that does. Once you find a behavior that works for you, make it a habit by following the steps below.

You can write down the habit you want to create as an implementation intention like this:

When [cue], I will [do new routine] to get [reward].

3️⃣ Change your perspective

You can make the new behavior seem more attractive by changing how you think about it.

Often, you might use the word “have” when talking about good but challenging habits. For example, you might say, “I have to go to the gym,” “I have to eat more vegetables,” or “I have to go to bed on time.”

You can shift your perspective by replacing “have” with “get.” For instance, say, “I get to go to the gym,” “I get to eat more vegetables,” or “I get to go to bed on time.”

By doing this, you change how you see these actions. Instead of viewing them as obligations (have), you start to see them as opportunities (get). Both ways of thinking are valid, but the second is more helpful for building a new habit.

You can also change your perspective by focusing on the benefits of these habits instead of the negatives. Instead of thinking about how much time and energy going to the gym takes, think about the strength and endurance you’re gaining. Instead of focusing on the bitter taste of vegetables, highlight the health benefits, like a lower risk of heart disease and stroke. Remember, focusing on the positive aspects can create a more encouraging mindset, making it easier to stick with your new habits.

4️⃣ Reinforce the new behavior

Keep reinforcing the new behavior until it becomes a habit.

We tend to repeat actions that make us feel good right away and avoid those that don’t. We naturally seek pleasure and steer clear of pain. You can make the new behavior more appealing by linking it to a positive experience. Celebrate the new behavior right after you do it to create a positive feeling. Find a way to celebrate that makes you feel good, like saying something nice to yourself, smiling, or doing a little gesture. For example, you could say “Good job!” and give yourself a thumbs up in the mirror. Occasionally, you might also reward yourself right after the new behavior, like treating yourself to a piece of dark chocolate or saving some money. Just make sure the reward fits with your life purpose and personal values. The more you practice the new behavior and reinforce it positively, the more it will become a part of your routine. Once the behavior has become automatic, you won’t need to celebrate it as much.

Additional method

In addition to the method above, you can try this strategy to speed up dismantling the habit you want to stop. Whenever you realize you've done, or are doing, the behavior you want to stop (Oops!…I Did It Again!), immediately engage in the positive behavior you want to adopt instead. For example, when  you realize you have smoked, or are smoking, a cigarette, immediately do the deep breathing exercises you want to replace it with. This helps disrupt the bad habit loop between the cue and the reward, making it easier to insert the new behavior.

Additional tips

👉 Practice mindfulness: Spend a few minutes each day paying attention to your thoughts, feelings, and actions without judgment. This can help you recognize cravings and make more conscious choices.

👉 Be kind to yourself: Understand that setbacks are part of the process. Treat yourself with compassion and focus on what you can learn from each experience.

👉  Manage unhelpful thoughts: Notice when negative thoughts arise, such as “I’ll never be able to do this.” Defuse or question these unhelpful thoughts.

👉 Allow your feelings: Instead of pushing away uncomfortable feelings, allow yourself to feel difficult feelings without letting them hold you back.

👉 Find support: Talk to friends, family, or a support group about your journey. Sharing your challenges can provide encouragement and accountability.

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Changing a bad habit means understanding what you really want from it. By identifying your craving and choosing healthier behaviors to satisfy it, you can create lasting change. Keep in mind that there are many ways to feel good without resorting to unhealthy actions. Stay curious, experiment with different options, and be patient with yourself as you work toward building new, healthier habits that genuinely meet your desires. Overcoming an unwanted habit not only helps you reach your goals but also builds confidence by showing that change is possible. This sense of progress can make it easier to take on other positive changes.

References

Atomic Habits, by James Clear

Read my summary of this book

 

The Power of Habit, by Charles Duhigg

 

Build or Break Habits Using Science-Based Tools, Huberman Lab

 

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