Why you’re not meant to feel happy all the time
How your mind works against constant happiness—and how to deal with it.
Do you feel like you’re supposed to be happy all the time?
Do you think something’s wrong with you if you’re not happy?
Do you feel like everyone else is happy all the time, except you?
✳️✳️✳️
A lot of people believe that happiness is the natural state for humans. If you’re one of them, you expect to feel happy all the time. When you’re not happy, it feels like something's wrong that needs solving. So, you try to figure out what’s wrong and how to fix it. But when you can’t shake off that unhappiness, you start feeling like something’s wrong with you. This leaves you frustrated and even less happy.
You might hide your unhappy feelings because you don’t want others to think something’s wrong with you. You put on a smile when people are around and share cheerful pictures on social media. "Look how happy I am!" But because everyone else does the same, you end up feeling like you’re the only one who’s not happy.
Happiness isn’t the natural state for humans. You’ve evolved to survive and reproduce, not to feel happy all the time. If you were always happy, you wouldn’t stay as alert to potential dangers. Negative emotions like fear and stress help you stay aware of threats to your safety and well-being. There’s nothing wrong with you if you feel unhappy sometimes. You don’t need to fix yourself or get rid of negative feelings. Feeling unhappy now and then is part of who you are—it’s built into your biology. It’s not a bug, it’s a feature. It’s not a weakness, it’s what makes you human.
All you need to do is let go of the idea that you should always be happy. This belief leads you to fight a battle you can’t win: the battle against your own human nature.
Why are humans not made to be happy all the time?
To understand why humans aren't wired to be happy all the time, we need to go back in time.
About 3.8 billion years ago, life began on Earth. Much later—around 2.5 million years ago—the first animals that looked something like us showed up. Our own species, Homo sapiens, emerged roughly 200,000 years ago. For most of that time—about 99 percent of human history—we lived in small groups, hunting animals and gathering food. This long stretch of time shaped our minds around the ways of living and relationships of tribal life, and many of our psychological characteristics today still reflect those early adaptations.
Imagine being an early human living as a hunter-gatherer.
Your mind’s main task is to help you stay alive in a world full of dangers. Its first priority is to notice anything that might harm you so you can steer clear of it. Paying attention to threats brings greater survival value than focusing on potential rewards. Missing a sign of a predator or a venomous snake could cost you your life and your chance to pass on your genes. While out hunting or gathering, you need to stay alert to every movement or sound nearby. When something seems like it could be dangerous, it takes center stage in your awareness until you figure out whether it actually is.
Belonging to a tribe is essential for staying alive. Without that group around you, you’d face a high risk of being killed by a predator, attacked by members of another tribe, or not finding enough to eat. To avoid being pushed out, your mind works hard to protect you from rejection. It’s constantly picking up on how others respond to you—watching for signs that you’re doing what’s expected and fitting in, or whether you’re stepping out of line. It also highlights your weaknesses, nudging you to work on them so you can play a stronger role in the group.
More is better for survival. More weapons mean better defense against other tribes, more food increases your chances during lean times, more shelter offers greater protection from the elements and predators, and more children boost the odds that some will survive to adulthood. To keep you collecting more, your mind makes sure you’re never fully satisfied with what you have. This sense of dissatisfaction drives you to take action, always pushing for more of what you need.
The early human ancestors who lived the longest and had the most children were those best able to spot and avoid danger, stay connected to their tribe, and gather more of what they needed. Over time, natural selection helped shape each new generation with minds better suited to these skills.
Our modern mind
Our modern minds, shaped by our evolutionary history, carry an inherent negativity bias. We tend to focus more on negative stimuli than positive ones, and those negative experiences affect us emotionally more deeply and for longer, even when they’re comparable to positive ones.
Our minds are always scanning for anything that could harm us, whether physically or socially. It automatically sorts everything we come across into categories like safe or dangerous, harmful or helpful, good or bad. We live in a world that’s completely different from that of our ancestors. Unlike them, we don’t have to worry about predators or the threat of being cast out of our tribe. The dangers we face today are things like losing our job, struggling to pay the mortgage, facing a terminal illness, not being liked by coworkers, lacking enough status, being rejected by a date, or being abandoned by a partner.
Our minds are also always on the lookout for more—more money, a better job, more status, more vacations, a bigger house, or a nicer car. We often focus on what we don’t have rather than what we do. Even when we get something we want, the satisfaction doesn’t last long, and soon enough, we’re chasing after the next thing.
Like all animals, humans evolved to survive and reproduce. We weren’t meant to be happy all of the time, since that could make us less alert to potential threats. But sometimes, our negativity bias works against us. For example, when we spend too much time worrying about worst-case scenarios that probably won’t happen, or lie awake at night stressing over what others might think of us. Or when we feel dissatisfied with what we have and get caught up in obsessing over what we lack.
How can we feel happy more often?
Negative feelings are almost unavoidable because things will go wrong, and we’ll let people upset us. But often, we add to our own suffering by how we respond to these feelings. By accepting that we can't be happy all the time and understanding that negative emotions are natural and temporary, we can lessen the emotional pain we experience. What follows are some techniques that can help you feel happy more often.
⚒️ Accept your difficult feelings (stop trying to be happy)
When you mentally resist unwanted feelings, they only become stronger and last longer.
It’s part of being human to sometimes experience challenging feelings. So, it’s perfectly okay to not feel okay every now and then. Instead of mentally resisting your feelings, allow them to be present. Resistance only makes feelings stronger and longer-lasting. For example, you might feel anxious about a situation that worries you. If you resist this feeling, you’ll start feeling anxious about being anxious. Resisting this extra anxiety just makes you feel even more anxious. Your mental resistance intensifies your anxiety and prolongs it.
If you mentally accept a feeling, it will likely pass on its own. Feelings usually come and go pretty quickly if you don’t block them. If a difficult feeling sticks around, see it as a signal to take action, like a flashing warning light on a car dashboard. Take a few deep breaths and accept the feeling as it is. Whatever you do, don’t resist it! With curiosity and self-compassion, explore what thoughts are fueling the persistent feeling. Then, if possible and necessary, take meaningful action that aligns with your life purpose, personal values and goals.
⚒️ Reframe your perspective
When you notice an unhelpful way of looking at things, try to shift it to a more helpful or neutral perspective. For example, instead of thinking a challenging situation will end in failure, you might view it as an opportunity to learn and grow. Or, instead of thinking you’ll never find a job again after being fired, you could reframe it as a chance to explore other opportunities. By adjusting how you think about events, you can reduce negative feelings and make room for more positive ones. This approach helps you see things in a clearer light and encourages a more balanced emotional response.
⚒️ Fulfill your basic psychological needs
Your happiness is closely tied to how well your core psychological needs are met. These include feeling like you have some say in your life (autonomy), feeling capable in what you do (competence), and feeling close to others (connection). When these needs are supported, you’re more likely to feel satisfied and emotionally steady, even when life’s messy. Autonomy gives you a sense of freedom, competence gives you confidence, and connection gives you a sense of belonging. Take a moment to think about which of these needs might be lacking in your life—and find small ways to address them each day. It’s up to you to take charge of your happiness.
⚒️ Do what matters to you
We don’t have much control over our thoughts and feelings, but we do have a lot of control over what we choose to do. It’s through our actions that we shape a life that feels rich, full, and meaningful.
You want to do what matters to you, but thoughts and feelings can get in the way. Fear, in particular, can hold you back—fear of rejection, failure, or not being good enough. But you're the one living your life, so it's up to you to take the initiative. Psychological flexibility and mental resilience help you keep moving toward what you care about, even when things feel hard. Your actions don’t have to follow your thoughts and feelings. Instead of avoiding or suppressing negative self-images, limiting beliefs, or uncomfortable emotions, try to accept them as part of your experience. Then choose your response based on what really matters to you.
No matter how you feel or what’s happening around you, you can choose to do what matters to you. Your reactions—whether conscious or not—are your own. You might feel low or unmotivated, and still choose to show up and do what needs to be done. Even in difficult circumstances, you can always act in line with your personal values. What you do shapes how you feel and who you become. By taking meaningful action, you build self-confidence and grow into the person you want to be.
Ask yourself: Am I acting based on my personal values, or just responding to how I feel right now?
Additional tips
👉 Practice gratitude: Take a moment each day to reflect on things you're grateful for. It could be something small—like a good cup of coffee or a kind word from someone. Shifting focus to what’s going well can help balance out negative thoughts.
👉 Do something nice for someone else: Small acts of kindness, like holding the door open for someone or sending a thoughtful message, can lift your spirits and improve your sense of connection.
👉 Move your body: Physical activity doesn’t have to be intense. A short walk, stretching, or even dancing in your living room can boost your mood by releasing endorphins.
👉 Pause and breathe: In moments of stress or overwhelm, take a few deep breaths. Just stopping to breathe deeply can help reset your mind and reduce anxiety.
👉 Limit social media: Social media can often amplify negative feelings. Take breaks or set limits to avoid feeling drained or comparing yourself to others.
🎉👏🎈
Happiness isn’t a constant state we’re meant to maintain, but something we experience in moments. By accepting our natural range of emotions and focusing on what truly matters to us, we can build a life that feels more fulfilling and balanced. Embrace the ups and downs, and take actions that align with your values—because that’s where the real happiness lies.
References
Sapiens, by Yuval Noah Harari
The happiness trap, by Dr Russ Harris
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, by Mark Manson
You Aren't Built to be Happy, Psychology Today, by William Berry, LMHC., CAP., https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-second-noble-truth/201907/you-arent-built-be-happy
You Are Not Meant to Be Happy, Psychology Today, by Rafa Euba, https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/you-are-not-meant-be-happy/202102/you-are-not-meant-be-happy
Humans aren’t supposed to be eternally happy, so why do we continue to force it?, The Independent (UK Edition), by Rafael Euba, https://www.independent.co.uk/news/health/mental-health-condition-happiness-worry-happy-sadness-a9027381.html
Stop Trying to Be Happy, by Mark Manson, https://markmanson.net/stop-trying-to-be-happy
