Why you are not made to be happy
Why our brains are not built for continuous happiness and how to deal with this.
👉 Do you believe you should be happy all the time?
👉 Do you believe that if you’re not happy there is something wrong with you?
👉 Do you believe that everyone else is happy all the time except you?
If so, you’re making yourself unhappier than necessary.
Many people believe that happiness is the natural state of human beings. If you are one of them, you expect to be happy all the time. If you are not happy, you view this as a problem that needs to be solved. Then you try to find out the cause of this problem so you can fix it. If you find yourself unable to get rid of your dissatisfaction, you will feel inadequate and frustrated, which will make you even more unhappy.
Most people (including you) hide their unhappy feelings from others because they think there is something fundamentally wrong with them if they are not happy. They put on their happy faces when they meet others and smile professionally in their social media photos. Look how happy I am! That’s why you think you’re the only unhappy person on the planet.
However, happiness is not the natural state of human beings. Humans are made to survive and reproduce. We are not made to be happy all the time, as this would make us less vigilant against possible threats to our survival. There is nothing wrong with you if you feel unhappy every now and then. You don’t have to fix yourself and you don’t have to get rid of your negative feelings. Your tendency to feel unhappy is not your fault, it’s in your genetic blueprint. It's not a bug but a feature. It is not a deficiency, it is what makes you human.
All you have to do is let go of the fallacy that you should always be happy. Because this misconception makes you fight a battle you will never win: the battle against your own human nature.
Why are humans not made to be happy all the time?
To understand why we are not made to be happy all the time, we have to go back in time.
About 3.8 billion years ago, the first living organisms emerged on planet Earth. The first animals that were much like modern humans appeared about 2.5 million years ago, and the species to which we belong (Homo Sapiens) emerged about 200,000 years ago. Humans evolved in small tribes of a few dozen individuals and hunted animals and gathered food until about 12,000 years ago. This long evolutionary period adapted the human brain to a tribal life of hunting and gathering, shaping many of our current psychological characteristics.
Imagine you’re an early human hunter-gatherer.
Your brain's main job is to keep you alive in a dangerous world. Its top priority is to watch out for anything that could harm you so you can avoid it. You have much more to gain by focusing on what could harm you than by focusing on what could benefit you. Failing to notice a predator or venomous snake can be very costly in terms of survival and reproduction. While hunting or gathering food you have to pay close attention to the movements and sounds around you. When you notice something potentially dangerous, you give it your full attention to assess whether it is dangerous or not.
Belonging to a tribe is essential for survival. Without your tribe, you would be killed by a predator, murdered by members of a neighbouring tribe, or starve to death. To avoid being banished, your brain must protect you from rejection by other tribe members. It continuously monitors the reactions of others to assess whether you are doing the right thing and fitting in, or doing something that could get you rejected.
More is better for you. More weapons means better protection against members of other tribes, more food means better chances of surviving times of scarcity, more shelter means better protection from the elements and predators, and more children means a greater chance that some of them will reach adulthood. To encourage you to collect more, your brain ensures that you are never satisfied with what you have for long. Lack of satisfaction with what you have pushes you to action to get more of what you need.
The early human ancestors who lived the longest and had the most children were those best able to watch for and avoid danger, belong to their tribe, and acquire more of what they needed. Through natural selection, the brains of each new human generation were better adapted to these abilities.
Our modern brain
Due to our evolutionary history, our modern brains have an intrinsic negativity bias (see References section): we pay more attention to negative stimuli than to positive ones, and negative stimuli impact us emotionally stronger and longer than positive stimuli of the same magnitude.
Our brains are constantly on the lookout for anything that could harm us physically or socially. It automatically judges everything we encounter as safe or dangerous, harmful or helpful, good or bad. Unlike our ancestors, we don't have to fear predators or worry about being kicked out of our tribe. The dangers that threaten us are things like losing our job, not being able to pay the mortgage on our house, becoming terminally ill, not being liked by colleagues, not gaining enough status, being rejected by a date, or being abandoned by our partner.
Our brains are also constantly looking for more: more money, a better job, more status, more holidays, a bigger house and a nicer car. We tend to focus on what we lack rather than what we have. If we manage to get something, we are satisfied for a while, until we again want more.
Like all animals, humans evolved to survive and reproduce. We haven't evolved to be happy most of the time, as this would make us less vigilant against potential threats to our survival. But sometimes our negativity bias works against us. For example, if we worry too much about worst case scenarios that most likely won't happen, or lie awake at night about what others might think of us. Or when we are dissatisfied with what we have and obsessively focus on what we lack.
How can we feel less unhappy?
Negative feelings are inevitable because things will go wrong and people will upset us. But often we cause ourselves unnecessary suffering by how we react to these feelings. By realizing that we can't always be happy and recognizing that negative feelings are normal and short-lived, we can reduce the suffering we experience.
⚒️ Accept your difficult feelings (stop trying to be happy)
When you mentally resist unwanted feelings, they become stronger and last longer.
It’s part of being human to sometimes experience challenging feelings. So it’s perfectly okay to not feel okay every now and then. Don’t mentally resist your feelings, allow them to be present. Resistance will only make feelings stronger and make them last longer. For example, you feel anxious about a situation that worries you. If you mentally resist this feeling, you will feel anxious about your anxious feelings. Resisting this additional anxiety will make you feel triple anxious. Your mental resistance makes your anxiety stronger and makes it last longer.
If you mentally accept a feeling, it will likely go away on its own. Feelings typically come and go fairly quickly if you don’t block them. If a difficult feeling persists, interpret it as a call to action, similar to a flashing warning light on a car dashboard. Take a few deep breaths and accept the problematic feeling as it is. Whatever you do, don’t resist it! Investigate with curiosity and self-compassion what thoughts are causing the persistent feeling. And then, if possible and necessary, take effective action in line with your life purpose and personal values.
⚒️ Do what is important to you
We have little control over our thoughts and feelings, but we have a lot of control over our actions. Only through action can we create a rich, full and meaningful life.
You want to do what is important to you, but sometimes thoughts and feelings get in the way. Especially fear can keep you from doing the things you care about, such as fear of rejection or failure. You are responsible for your own life, so take the initiative to do what is necessary.
Be psychologically flexible and mentally resilient. Your thoughts and feelings do not dictate your actions. Accept negative self-images, limiting thoughts and difficult feelings, do not avoid or suppress them. Then consciously choose your response.
No matter how you feel and no matter what happens, do what you think is important to do. Your reactions are always your conscious or unconscious choice. You can feel bad, or don't feel like doing anything, and still perform well. Regardless of the circumstances, you can still be your best.
What you do changes how you feel and who you are. By taking action towards your personal values, you build self-confidence and become the person you want to be.
Ask yourself: Am I behaving according to my personal values or according to how I feel right now?
References
Sapiens, by Yuval Noah Harari
The happiness trap, by Dr Russ Harris
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, by Mark Manson
Negativity bias: Why you are addicted to bad news, A3 Life Design, by Adrie Kuil, https://www.a3lifedesign.com/blog-english/how-to-counteract-the-negativity-bias
You Aren't Built to be Happy, Psychology Today, by William Berry, LMHC., CAP., https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-second-noble-truth/201907/you-arent-built-be-happy
You Are Not Meant to Be Happy, Psychology Today, by Rafa Euba, https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/you-are-not-meant-be-happy/202102/you-are-not-meant-be-happy
Humans aren’t supposed to be eternally happy, so why do we continue to force it?, The Independent (UK Edition), by Rafael Euba, https://www.independent.co.uk/news/health/mental-health-condition-happiness-worry-happy-sadness-a9027381.html
Stop Trying to Be Happy, by Mark Manson, https://markmanson.net/stop-trying-to-be-happy
