How to hold your self-stories lightly
Reduce the negative impact of unhelpful self-stories by holding them lightly.
Do you ever feel trapped by the stories you tell yourself about who you are?
How might your life improve if you stopped taking your negative self-stories so seriously?
Are you ready to challenge the negative stories you’ve been telling yourself?
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The stories we tell ourselves about who we are, our self-stories, are the narratives we create about the personality traits we believe define us, such as being kind, intelligent, patient, aggressive, brave, or greedy. These stories shape how we think, feel, and act, influencing how we interact with the world. Our self-stories greatly impact our interpretations, feelings, expectations, behaviors, and life outcomes, similar to how our mindsets and self-esteem do. We often don’t realize how deeply these self-stories influence our physical and mental health, success in school and work, relationships, finances, and personal growth. This influence is especially strong when the stories are about the traits we don’t want to have: our feared self.
Unhelpful self-stories about our personality traits
Negative or limiting beliefs about our personality traits can harm our physical and mental health, making us more susceptible to stress and anxiety. For instance, if we believe we are lazy or boring, we may constantly doubt and worry about ourselves, impacting our overall well-being. These self-stories can also stop us from pursuing new opportunities, like applying for a better job or starting a new hobby, because we might think we are too disorganized or not creative enough. They can also make it hard to form healthy relationships, leading to conflicts or feelings of isolation due to the belief that we are too selfish or insensitive. In both our personal and professional lives, these negative beliefs can prevent us from achieving our goals and finding success. For example, thinking we aren't sociable enough might stop us from networking effectively or meeting new people.
Negative or limiting beliefs about ourselves can create unhelpful behavioral patterns that are hard to break. For example, if we constantly think we're lazy or disorganized, we might avoid new projects or responsibilities, leading to a cycle of not achieving our potential. Believing we are too selfish or boring can make us isolate ourselves or neglect relationships, which reinforces our sense of loneliness. Thinking we aren't sociable enough might cause us to avoid social events or networking opportunities, keeping us lonely and disconnected. Once these involuntary patterns form, they're tough to change and can greatly affect our quality of life.
Ultimately, unhelpful self-stories can prevent us from creating the life we want and becoming the person we aspire to be.
Influence of biases
Because our minds naturally lean toward negativity, we often create self-critical stories about our personality traits. We tend to focus on what we think are our flaws, emphasizing negative traits and minimizing positive ones. For example, we might dwell on being disorganized or shy, while ignoring or undervaluing our creativity or kindness. This focus on our perceived flaws makes us overestimate their importance due to the focusing illusion. For instance, if we have a hard time in one social situation, we might label ourselves as unsociable, forgetting that we are often sociable in other situations.
Once we accept a story about ourselves, confirmation bias makes us pay attention only to information that supports this story, while ignoring or dismissing evidence that contradicts it. For example, if you think you're unsociable, you might question the sincerity of someone trying to befriend you at a party. You think, "I am unsociable, so why would this person want to be friends with me?" On the other hand, if someone else at the party seems annoyed with you, you instantly take it as proof of your unsociability. Confirmation bias is intensified by the WYSIATI (What You See Is All There Is) bias, which causes us to overlook missing information.
Self-fulfilling prophecy
When we believe something about our personality, we often act in ways that make it come true, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. For example, if you think you're unsociable, you might avoid social events or act nervous around others, which can leave you feeling isolated. This happens not because you are actually unsociable, but because you behave as though you are.
Reinforcement of self-stories
Every time we act according to our self-narrative, we reinforce that belief. For example, if you think you're socially awkward because you find small talk hard, going to a social event where you have to make small talk might make you anxious. This anxiety might make you want to skip the event to avoid feeling uncomfortable. But skipping the event only makes you believe even more that you're socially awkward.
Don’t “should” yourself
The stories we create about our personality traits can lead to "shoulds," which are the expectations or obligations we feel we need to meet to match our self-image. For example, if we see ourselves as generous, we might feel we should always help others, even at our own expense. If we think of ourselves as disciplined, we might feel we should always work hard and never take breaks. These "shoulds" can cause pressure and stress, especially when they go against what we truly need or desire. So, try not to "should" yourself.
Self-stories are just opinions
It's important to understand that your self-stories, like your self-esteem, are just personal opinions—subjective judgments about who you are, thoughts that you believe to be true. You may assume that you perceive yourself accurately, as you objectively are. However, your perceptions are shaped by factors such as cognitive biases and personal experiences. As a result, your self-stories aren’t necessarily true; they can be distorted, incomplete, or entirely false. Therefore, it's better to hold these self-stories lightly rather than take them too seriously, especially if they aren't helping you live the life you want.
Think of your self-stories as clouds in the sky. Just like clouds change shapes and drift away, your self-stories are temporary and can change over time. You can notice them without letting them control how you see yourself, knowing they'll pass and shift just like the clouds.
How to reduce the impact of unhelpful self-stories
A self-story is not helpful if it stops us from living the life we want and becoming the kind of person we want to be. There are different techniques to weaken our attachment to these unhelpful self-stories. Some of these strategies are explained below.
⚒️ Create distance from your self-stories
Create some mental distance from your unhelpful self-stories to lessen their negative effect.
👉 Before you start with a self-story, add the phrase “I am telling myself the story that…”. For example, instead of saying “I am socially awkward,” tell yourself “I am telling myself the story that I am socially awkward”.
👉 Give your story a name, like “the socially awkward story.” When it pops up, acknowledge the story by using its name. For example, say to yourself, “Ah, here’s the socially awkward story again!”
👉 Sing the story to yourself silently to a cheerful tune, such as Happy Birthday or Happy from the movie Despicable Me 2.
👉 Think of your stories as clouds drifting across the sky. Let them pass without judging or getting emotionally caught up, and focus on what you're doing. If your attention drifts to these thoughts, gently bring it back to your current task.
See ‘How to reduce the impact of unhelpful thoughts’ and ‘How to let your thoughts come and go’ for additional distancing techniques.
⚒️ Act in line with what’s important to you
Act in line with what’s important to you, even if your unhelpful self-stories suggest otherwise.
We become what we repeatedly do. Acting based on unhelpful self-stories can stop us from becoming who we want to be and building the life we want. It reinforces our current self-image. To become the kind of person we want to be, we need to act according to what matters to us. This often means doing the opposite of what our unhelpful self-stories might push us to do.
For example, if someone thinks of themselves as an introvert, they might avoid talking to people they don’t know. To be more outgoing, they could set a goal to introduce themselves to a stranger once a week or make small talk with the cashier at their local supermarket. Similarly, someone who sees themselves as pessimistic might expect the worst in most situations. To become more optimistic, they could practice daily gratitude for the positive things in their life and challenge their negative thoughts by imagining how situations might turn out better than they expect.
⚒️ I am / I am not
This exercise will help you see that your self-stories can change depending on the situation. This awareness will empower you to consciously choose how you see yourself.
Grab a pen and paper or open an electronic document on your computer and write “I am / I am not” at the top of the page. Note: This is a slightly adapted version of an exercise from A Liberated Mind (see References).
1️⃣ I am
Write your answer to the next question in a statement of the form “I am …”
🤔 What personality trait do I like most about myself?
Write down the psychological characteristic you most like about yourself, for example, “I am smart.” Appendix A contains some examples of personality traits you might like the most.
Leave some space below your statement.
Write your answer to the next question in a statement of the form “I am ….”
🤔 What personality trait do I most dislike about myself?
Write down the psychological characteristic that you most dislike about yourself, for example, “I am boring.” Appendix A contains some examples of personality traits you might dislike the most.
2️⃣ I am not always
For both statements, write your answers to the following questions under each statement.
🤔 Is this always completely true? In any situation?
🤔 Is this totally true towards everyone? Without exception?
Take your time, don’t rush, and be honest with yourself.
For each statement, write down specific examples of situations where you think it is true and where you think it is not true. Include how your own behavior plays a role. For instance, if being smart is what you like most about yourself, think about times when your actions make you feel smart and times when they make you feel less smart. Similarly, if being boring is what you dislike most about yourself, consider situations where your behavior makes you feel boring and times when it makes you feel interesting.
You may find examples by considering life areas such as physical health, emotional health, work (paid or unpaid), hobbies, family, community life, or relationships. Or you can consider life roles like parent, child, grandparent, friend, life partner, employee, colleague, citizen, coach, or mentor.
By noticing how your self-story changes in different situations, you can better choose how you want to see yourself. For example, you might be outgoing with your family but more reserved at work. This doesn’t mean you’re just one or the other—you’re both, depending on the situation. This also means that the skills you use in one situation can be used in others.
3️⃣ Or not
For both “I am….” statements, change the dot at the end to a comma, and after the comma write the phrase “or not.” So for example, “I am smart, or not.” “I am boring, or not.”
Read each statement slowly a few times and notice what happens. Take your time. You might feel like you have more ways to think about yourself and that you’re opening up to new possibilities.
4️⃣ Without stories
In both “I am” statements, cross out or delete everything you wrote after “I am”.
Then consider the question
🤔 Who would I be without all my stories?
Imagine what kind of person you would be without your stories. Consider how this would make you feel and what you might do differently. You might start to see that your deeper sense of self is more about just being (“I am”), and that your self-stories can make you forget this simpler, important way of just being.
⚒️ Define your self-stories in terms of actions
It’s more effective to define your self-stories in terms of what you do (your actions) rather than who you are (your identity).
When you define yourself by fixed traits, like saying "I’m a shy person" or "I’m a hard worker," you might feel stuck and continue to act in ways that reinforce these traits, even if they no longer benefit you.
On the other hand, when you focus on your actions, you give yourself more room to grow and change. For example, instead of labeling yourself as a "shy person," you might focus on specific behaviors, like how often you speak up in meetings or introduce yourself to new people. By focusing on these actions, you can gradually encourage yourself to speak up more, rather than feeling stuck in the belief that shyness defines you. This approach allows you to be more flexible, learn from new experiences, and keep improving without being limited by your self-image.
Additional tips
👉 Practice self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend. Acknowledge your feelings and struggles without judgment, and remind yourself that it’s okay to be imperfect.
👉 Challenge negative thoughts: Actively question and reframe negative self-stories. Ask yourself if these thoughts are based on facts or if they are assumptions. Replace them with more balanced and realistic perspectives.
👉 Mindfulness: Practice mindfulness to stay present and aware of your thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them.
👉 Seek support from others: Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your self-stories. Sometimes, an outside perspective can help you see things more clearly and provide support in reshaping your narrative.
👉 Engage in activities you enjoy: Spend time doing things that bring you joy and fulfillment. This can help reinforce positive self-stories and provide a healthy distraction from negative thoughts.
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Using these techniques, you might see that your self-stories are too broad and that you emphasize different parts of them in different situations. You might also realize you have more than one way to think about yourself and that you don’t have to stick to just one version of your self-story. Choose self-stories that help you get from where you are to where you want to be.
References
The happiness trap, by Dr Russ Harris
A Liberated Mind, by Steven C. Hayes, PhD
Appendix A – Some examples of personality traits
Here are some examples of personality traits you might like the most:
I am … intelligent / smart / assertive / caring / kind / introvert / extrovert / energetic / creative / funny / resilient / hard-working / reliable / honest / patient / flexible / open-minded / curious / respectful / optimistic / adventurous / empathic / trustworthy / loyal / decisive / helpful / fair / agreeable / conscientious / thoughtful / emotionally stable / calm / sociable / inventive / sensitive / disciplined / careful / trusting / confident / organized.
Here are some examples of personality traits you might dislike the most:
I am … boring / serious / shy / aggressive / jealous / selfish / arrogant / needy / introvert / extrovert / passive / pessimistic / disrespectful / lazy / impatient / dishonest / unreliable / stubborn / emotionally unstable / insensitive / cynical / defensive / sarcastic / inflexible / rigid / closed-minded / egocentric / greedy / apathetic / aimless / disloyal / indecisive / tactless / impulsive / insecure / judgemental / grumpy / neurotic / anxious / disorganized / suspicious / overcritical / manipulative / unimaginative / unsociable / socially awkward.
