Question your unhelpful thoughts: Loving What Is
Identify, challenge, and replace your negative thoughts with more positive and functional ones.
Do your thoughts often trigger feelings of worry, stress, anxiety, or negativity?
Do your thoughts about others tend to strain your relationships with them?
Do your limiting thoughts frequently hinder you from pursuing your goals?
✳️✳️✳️
We tend to assume that our thoughts accurately reflect reality. However, our thoughts are largely shaped by our subjective beliefs about the objective reality. These beliefs are usually accurate enough to allow us to function effectively in our daily lives. Yet many of our challenges arise from flawed ways of thinking that are rooted in mistaken beliefs about ourselves and our environment. These faulty ways of thinking profoundly impact our emotions and behaviors. Emotional suffering often stems from unquestioningly accepting our thoughts as truth.
As the Greek philosopher Epictetus said: We are disturbed not by what happens to us, but by our thoughts about what happens.
Cognitive reframing
Cognitive reframing, or cognitive restructuring, is a process that helps us identify, challenge, and replace our negative, irrational thoughts with more positive and functional ones. It provides numerous techniques and exercises to help us stop trusting our thoughts as representations of reality and start testing them for accuracy.
The Work
Byron Katie's cognitive reframing technique, known as "The Work," involves a process of self-inquiry to challenge and transform negative thoughts. This process begins with writing down your judgmental thoughts about a painful situation or person in your life. Next, you investigate these statements one by one by answering The Four Questions and performing the Turnaround:
🤔 Is it true?
🤔 Can you absolutely know that it's true?
🤔 How do you react when you think that thought?
🤔 Who would you be without the thought?
The Turnaround: Rewrite each statement as if it were about yourself.
This technique encourages questioning and turning around stressful thoughts, leading to enhanced clarity and emotional relief. For individuals dealing with traumatic thoughts or memories, it's advisable to consult a mental health professional rather than attempting this inquiry and reframing process independently.
The process of inquiry and turnaround aims solely to reduce mental suffering caused by unhelpful thoughts. It does not condone or justify harmful actions or disrespectful behavior. The goal is to help you perceive reality as it is. Mentally accepting reality doesn’t mean tolerating or approving it, or taking no action. By ending your mental struggle with reality, you free up energy and gain clarity, enabling you to take appropriate actions, such as changing or leaving an unhealthy situation.
Don't worry initially about whether the process is working. Like learning to ride a bike, it requires practice. Follow the four questions in the listed order until you become proficient. Once you are skilled, you can change the order or omit questions if it feels right. Start by practicing on people who have hurt you mentally and whom you haven't completely forgiven yet. Once proficient, you can apply the process to thoughts about yourself, health, death, addictions, politics, the economy, or any uncomfortable thought that arises. After completing this process, you may experience a lasting sense of freedom from painful thoughts. You’ll realize that your thinking often distorts reality, that no one else can cause you mental suffering, and that external situations are frequently projections of your own thinking.
⚒️ Question and turn around your unhelpful thoughts
Process your painful thoughts through the process of inquiry and turnaround by following these steps.
1️⃣ Write down your thoughts
For this inquiry to be effective, it is crucial to write down your painful thoughts, otherwise your mind might prevent you from seeing reality clearly. So grab a pen and paper, and write your thoughts down!
Be brutally honest and uncensored when recording your thoughts and feelings. Write down exactly what you think, don’t hold back. The more judgmental, petty and childish you are, the better.
To judge someone else, mentally revisit the specific situation that upset you. With this situation in mind, write down your list of statements as you see fit or by using the phrases below.
I am [feeling] with [person’s name] because [what the person did to upset you].
· I am angry with Johnny because he lied to me.
· I hate my wife because she betrayed me with my best friend.
[Person’s name] is [your judgmental thoughts about the person].
· My husband is a wimp.
· Carol is needy and dependent.
[Person’s name] should [what you believe the person should do to make you happy].
· Frank should share his feelings with me.
· My son should call me at least once a week.
2️⃣ Is it true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
For each of your statements, read the statement and take your time to answer the question:
🤔 Is it true?
Ask yourself if the thought is true. Be still and look deep inside yourself for the answer. Trust that it will come. Answer honestly with either 'yes' or 'no,' based on what is really true for you, not what is true for others or what you have been taught.
If your answer is 'yes,' ask yourself: What is the reality of this statement? What is happening right now is the truth as it is a fact. What you think should be happening is not the truth but an opinion. For instance, the statement ‘George shouldn’t smoke’ is an opinion. The statement is not true if, in reality, George does smoke, because that is a fact. In reality, there is no such thing as a ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’. ‘I want’ and ‘I need’ are forms of ‘should’.
If your answer is still ‘yes,’ ask yourself: Whose business is this statement about? When you think that someone else has to change, you’re mentally out of your business, which can make you feel separate and stressed. ‘George shouldn’t smoke.’ Whose business is it? Can you really know what is best for someone else?
If your answer is still ‘yes,’ then ask yourself:
🤔 Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
Often a statement appears to be true. Ask yourself if you can really know that the statement is true. Can you, for instance, truly know what someone else is thinking or feeling? Can someone else really hurt your feelings? Can you think of examples that refute the thought? Answer honestly with either ‘yes’ or ‘no’ whether you can absolutely know that the thought is true.
If you feel uncertain about your 'yes,' you could add ‘and it means that…’ to your statement to reveal your interpretation.
‘My father hit me (which is true) and it means that he doesn’t love me (which might not be true).’
It could be this interpretation that is causing you stress. Add the new statement (‘My father doesn’t love me.’) to your statement list and take it through the process.
Another approach is to ask yourself: What do you think you would have?
For example, if you wrote 'Paul should tell me that he loves me,' your answer might be that you would feel more secure if he did. Add the new statement (‘I would feel more secure if Paul told me he loved me’) to your list and take it through the process.
3️⃣ How do you react when you think that thought?
Read the statement and take your time to answer the question:
🤔 How do you react when you think that thought?
Make a list and be specific about what you do and say:
· Mentally revisit the situation and observe how you treat the other person when you believe the thought is true.
· Reflect on how you treat yourself in that situation, including your self-talk.
· Notice how each reaction feels physically and emotionally: what you feel, where you feel it, and how it feels.
Example answers
· I punish Jane by ignoring her. I start shouting at Jim and threaten to leave him. I push her away. I tell him to be happy. I censor what I say to Johnny. I snap at my children.
· I shut down. I cry. I tell myself that I’m a jerk. I watch television all evening. I call myself an idiot. I eat a lot of chocolate. I ask myself, “What’s wrong with me?”. I hide myself. I drink a lot of alcohol.
· I feel tension in my neck and shoulders. I feel angry and hurt. I get a headache. I feel awful. I become fearful. I get really depressed. I feel stress in my chest. I feel sad and embarrassed.
If it seems helpful you can ask two additional questions:
🤔 Can you see a reason to drop that thought?
🤔 Can you see a stress-free reason to keep that thought?
This isn't about forcing yourself to drop the thought (which you can’t), but about noticing the internal cause and effect: does believing the thought give you an uncomfortable feeling? Inquiry is not about getting rid of thoughts but about realizing what is true for you through awareness.
Pain is a signal that you are confused and fighting with reality as it is. Life begins from where you are now. The world is what it is, whether you oppose it or not. Accepting the truth will set you mentally free. Every painful story is basically a variation on a single theme: “Why me? This shouldn’t be happening! Life is not fair!”
4️⃣ Who would you be without the thought?
Read the statement and take your time to answer the question:
🤔 Who would you be without the thought?
Close your eyes for a minute or two, mentally revisit the situation that upset you, and imagine that you don’t have the thought. What do you see? How does that feel? How is the situation different? How would you treat the other person differently in the same situation without the thought? Do you prefer the situation with or without your thought? Which feels more peaceful?
Example answers:
· I would enjoy life.
· I would feel less hurt and anger.
· I would be a very happy person.
· I would love him exactly the way he is.
· I would be outgoing and loving.
· I would be free of any expectations.
· I would be much more relaxed.
· I would be more fun to be around.
An alternative way to ask the question is:
🤔 Who or what would you be without the thought?
Sit with this question and let thoughts or pictures come and go during your contemplation. Examples of answers to the “what” question include “Relaxed,” “Free,” “Love,” or “Myself.”
If thinking about the other person causes you stress, but without the thought you feel great, you might realize that your stress has nothing to do with the other person and everything to do with your thought. When you suffer less without the thought, it indicates that the thought is not true for you, is not in line with your values, and that without the thought you would be more like the person you want to be.
5️⃣ Turn the statement around
After answering the questions, move on to the turnaround: rewrite the statement as if it were about you.
· Create the first turnaround by replacing the name of the other person (or “he”, “she”, “your wife” etc.) in the original statement with “I” or “myself”.
· Create the second turnaround by changing “me” in the new statement to the name of the other person (or “he”, “she”, “your wife” etcetera).
Examples of turnarounds:
Original statement: I am angry with Johnny because he lied to me.
First turnaround: I am angry with myself because I lied to me.
Second turnaround: I am angry with myself because I lied to Johnny.
Original statement: She is childish.
First turnaround: I am childish.
Original statement: I need my wife to be honest with me.
First turnaround: I need myself to be honest with me.
Second turnaround: I need myself to be honest with my wife.
You can also use the 180 degree turnaround, where you turn the statement around to its opposite.
Examples:
· She is childish -> She is not childish.
· Paul should love me -> Paul should not love me.
Now consider whether the new statements are less true, equally true, or truer for you than the original statement. Find examples in your life where the turnaround seems true. Be honest. How does it apply to you in your life? Own it. If that is difficult for you, add the word “sometimes” to the turnaround. Wait for examples to appear of how you experience the turnaround in your life. Be specific and make a list. This is not about blaming yourself for the situation, it’s about understanding how true the turnaround statements are for you.
The power of the turnaround lies in discovering that many things you see on the outside are projections of your own mind. By doing this process, you see who you are by seeing who you think other people are. As long as you think that anyone else is responsible for your mental suffering, you remain in the role of the victim.
🎉👏🎈
We are disturbed not by what happens to us, but by our thoughts about what happens. (Epictetus) A thought is harmless unless you believe it. It is your attachment to your thought that causes suffering.
When you feel anxious, examine whether you are focusing on something that is out of your control, something that isn’t your business. Instead, focus on things that are within your control. Become aware of the unexamined stories you tell yourself about the world and yourself. When you think an unhelpful thought, it creates a stressful feeling, leading you to act on that feeling and generate even more stress. A stressful feeling can be a trigger to examine your uninvestigated thoughts and stories, and to identify where they are not true for you or not aligned with who you want to be.
References
Loving what is; by Byron Katie (with Stephen Mitchell)
The Work of Byron Katie website
Cognitive Restructuring Techniques for Reframing Thoughts, Positive Psychology, by Courtney E. Ackerman, MA.
