Nonviolent Communication: Express yourself compassionately
Express yourself clearly and honestly in a respectful and empathic manner.
Do you struggle to express your feelings and needs clearly, honestly, or empathetically?
Do you find it challenging to communicate without resorting to criticism or blame?
Do you want to transform your communication style to better align with your values and intentions?
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Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a way of communicating that fosters compassionate connections with yourself and others. NVC focusses on four key areas: making observations, identifying and expressing feelings, linking feelings to needs, and making actionable requests using clear, concrete, positive language. NVC can be applied to respond compassionately to yourself, in personal relationships, at work or to mediate conflicts in the political arena.
The central question in NVC is:
🤔 What do you or others need at this moment to make life more wonderful?
⚒️ Express yourself compassionately
An important aspect of NVC is expressing yourself clearly and honestly in a respectful and empathic manner, aligned with your personal values and the kind of person you aspire to be. Compassionate expression involves mindfully focusing on what you observe, feel and need, while refraining from judging, criticizing, blaming, or evaluating others. This approach fosters connections with others.
Expressing yourself compassionately includes four components: observation, feeling, need, and request. The specific wording and order of these components are not crucial, as long as you empathically address them and strive to connect with others respectfully.
👉 Observation: When I saw/heard [your observation],
Factually state what happened, what you observed others doing or saying, without judgment, criticism, blame or evaluation.
👉 Feeling: I felt [your feelings]
Identify and express how you felt when you observed the action, such as hurt, amused or irritated. Use “I” statements as you are responsible for your feelings.
👉 Need: because I need/ want [your needs or wants].
State the need connected to the feeling you identified, such as the need for appreciation or love.
👉 Request: Would you be willing to [your request]?
State clearly, specifically, and positively what you want others to do willingly at this moment to improve your life.
Examples of nonviolent expressions and requests
Key: [O] = Observation, [F] = Feeling, [N] = Need, [R] = Request
· When you didn’t come over last evening [O], I felt disappointed [F] because I wanted to discuss some important matters with you [N]. Would you be willing to come over tonight? [R]
· I felt furious [F] when you called me stupid [O] because I want to be treated respectfully [N]. Would you be willing to refrain from calling me stupid? [R]
· I’m confused [F] about what you just told me [O] because I need to know what you want me to do [N]. Would you be willing to say what response you’d like from me? [R]
· When I see you smoking two packs of cigarettes a day [O], I get scared [F] because I want you around for as long as possible [N]. Would you be willing to quit smoking? [R]
1️⃣ Observe without evaluating
The first component of NVC is to observe without evaluating. Clearly observe what you see or hear, without mixing in any evaluation. This approach increases the likelihood that others will understand your intended message, rather than perceiving it as criticism and resisting it. While you don’t need to refrain from evaluating entirely, it’s important to keep your observations and evaluations separate. This can be challenging for most of us, but it’s essential to get into the habit of distinguishing observation from evaluation. Focus on and reference the specific behaviors that you observe.
Avoid making moralistic judgments about people (including yourself) who do not act in alignment with your personal values, such as saying "She is too selfish," "He is needy," or "You idiot!" Refrain from blaming, insulting, putting down, labeling, criticizing, diagnosing, or comparing people. Such analyses are unhelpful expressions of your own values and needs, and they tend to increase defensiveness and resistance in others. Instead, articulate your needs and values directly without implying wrongness when they are not met.
Examples
· Saying that John is angry is an evaluation. An observation would be: John told you he was angry, or you saw him pound his fist on the table.
· Saying that Jenny works too much is an evaluation. An observation would be: Jenny spent more than sixty hours at the office this week.
2️⃣ Identify and express feelings
The second component of NVC is to express how you are feeling. Feelings are emotional states or reactions that arise in response to external or internal events. Use words that refer to specific feelings like “happy” or “excited”, rather than vague or general terms like “good” or “bad.” Building a vocabulary of feelings allows you to clearly and specifically identify and name them.
Examples include:
· Feelings when your needs are being met: alive, blissful, cheerful, delighted, ecstatic, fulfilled, glad, happy, inspired, jubilant, loving, merry, overjoyed, pleasant, quiet, radiant, splendid, thankful, upbeat.
· Feelings when your needs are not being met: angry, broken-hearted, cold, depressed, exhausted, frustrated, gloomy, horrible, irritated, jittery, lonely, miserable, numb, pessimistic, resentful, sad.
Distinguish feelings from thoughts and assessments, which stem from cognitive processes involving reasoning, judgment, and evaluation. Some examples of statements where the word ‘feel’ is used to convey thoughts and assessments:
· “I feel that you should know better.” (Meaning: "I believe that you should know better.")
· “I feel ignored by them.” (Meaning: "I believe I am being ignored by them.")
· “I feel it is useless.” (Meaning: "I consider it useless.")
· “I feel inadequate.” (Meaning: "I consider myself inadequate.")
· “I feel unimportant to you.” (Meaning: "I think I am unimportant to you.")
· “I feel misunderstood.” (Meaning: "I think I am misunderstood.")
3️⃣ Express the needs linked to your feelings
The third component of NVC involves expressing the needs connected to your feelings. What need, desire, expectation, or value has (not) been fulfilled? What is it that you are needing? Needs are the essential resources life requires to sustain itself. Connect your feelings with your needs using the format “I feel… because I need/want…” The more you articulate your feelings in terms of your needs, the easier it becomes for others to respond with compassion. Clearly expressing your needs increases the likelihood of having them met. If you don’t prioritize your needs, others may not either.
While the actions of others may trigger your feelings, they are never the sole cause. Take responsibility for your feelings by acknowledging that your own thoughts, needs, desires, or expectations contribute to them. Avoid implying that others are to blame for your feelings or using guilt to manipulate them. Judgments, criticisms, and evaluations of others reflect unmet needs and values within yourself. For instance, saying “You never understand me” expresses a need for understanding that is not being met. Accept full responsibility for your intentions and actions, while recognizing that you cannot fulfill your needs at the expense of others.
Examples of needs: autonomy, authenticity, creativity, meaning, purpose, community, appreciation, closeness, honesty, love, respect, support, sustenance, trust, understanding, warmth, fun, harmony, inspiration, rest, safety, empathy, order, peace, space, connection, intellectual challenge.
4️⃣ Requesting that which would enrich your life
The fourth component of NVC involves making a specific request of the other person that could enrich your life. What would you like the other to do to make your life more wonderful? Ask for concrete actions that could fulfill your needs, focusing on what you would like to see or hear happen rather than using vague phrases. Use positive action language by requesting what you want the other person to do, rather than what you don’t want them to do.
For example, a woman wanted her husband to spend more time with her. She asked him to spend less time at the office. Three weeks later he surprised her by announcing he had signed up for a golf tournament!
Clarity increases the likelihood of your needs being met. To confirm that your request has been understood, you can ask the listener to reflect it back to you. However, empathize respectfully if the listener is unwilling to do so.
Requests will be perceived as demands when others fear blame or punishment for non-compliance. When faced with a demand, individuals may feel pressured to either submit or rebel, reducing their ability to respond compassionately. To distinguish between a demand and a request, observe how the speaker reacts if the request is not met. It’s considered a demand if the speaker criticizes, judges, or feels rejected. Conversely, it’s a request if the speaker empathizes respectfully with the listener. Clarify that you desire compliance only if the other person can do so willingly. You can use phrases like: “Would you be willing to…?” to express this intent.
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Nonviolent communication is simple but requires practice to become a habit. Consistently translate each judgment into an unmet need and respond according to your personal values. When you feel bad for failing to communicate compassionately, acknowledge and accept your difficult thoughts and feelings, then strive to do better next time.
References
Nonviolent Communication: A language of Life, by Marshall R. Rosenberg
