I should have done better
Breaking free from the burden of what you think you should have done.
How often do you catch yourself thinking, “I should have done better”?
When this thought comes up, does it feel heavy?
What if you could release that weight and move forward?
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As we get older and think back on our actions and choices, we often think, "I should have done better." This thought can apply to many parts of our lives—whether as parents, children, partners, or in other relationships. It often brings feelings of regret, guilt, or shame as we look back on the past and reflect on moments when we should have been more patient, supportive, attentive, or engaged. We may wonder how much better things could have been if we had been more mindful or aware in those moments.
Looking back, parents might think they should have done better in raising their children. They may wish they had been more patient instead of snapping during stressful moments. They might also wish they had been more present, spending less time at work. They could regret not being more understanding—recognizing their child's struggles instead of dismissing their feelings. Some may regret not setting firmer boundaries, which help children feel secure. They may also wish they had shown more love through hugs, kind words, or small gestures of affection. Finally, they might wish they had had more open conversations, helping their child feel heard and supported.
When a child is struggling, these regrets can be even more challenging. If a child has turned to drugs, is struggling emotionally, or has cut off contact, the thought of “I should have done better” can be deeply painful. Parents may wonder what part their actions or decisions played in what happened. They might blame themselves for signs they missed, times they should have been more present, or moments when they should have offered better guidance.
Children, too, may feel they should have done better for their parents. They might wish they had spent more time with them, instead of getting caught up in their own activities. Especially after leaving home, they may feel they should have visited more often. They might wish they had shown more interest in their parents' lives—asking about their past, struggles, dreams, and well-being. Some may regret not appreciating all their parents did or not realizing how much their parents sacrificed.
Similarly, partners may feel they could have been better in their relationships. They might wish they had been more patient during stressful moments, rather than becoming short-tempered. They may regret not being more present, spending too much time on work, hobbies, or other distractions. They could wish they had shown more affection, offering kind words, thoughtful gestures, or physical touch to remind their partner they are loved. Some may wish they had communicated more openly, sharing their thoughts, feelings, and concerns, instead of bottling them up. They might regret not expressing more appreciation or gratitude for their partner, taking their efforts for granted instead of recognizing them more often.
The struggle with “I should have done better”
Dealing with the thought, “I should have done better,” can be tough because it often brings up a mix of feelings—regret, guilt, sadness, or frustration with ourselves. We replay moments in our minds, wondering what we could have said or done differently. This can leave us feeling like we’ve let ourselves or others down. We all want to see ourselves as kind, decent, and well-meaning people who try our best, so it’s hard to accept that we may have hurt others or missed chances to do better.
This thought is especially tough because we can’t go back and fix things. But while we can’t change the past, we do have control over how we respond to it and what steps we take moving forward.
How to deal with “I should have done better”
Here are some techniques that can help you manage the thought “I should have done better.” These techniques are offered for general educational purposes and are not a substitute for professional advice. If you find that this thought is causing you significant distress and affecting your well-being, it might be helpful to consult a licensed therapist or mental health professional for support and guidance.
⚒️ Look at the situation objectively
When the thought “I should have done better” comes up, take a step back and examine the situation with an objective perspective. Ask yourself:
🤔 What are the facts of the situation as I remember them?
🤔 What other factors—besides my actions, words, or inactions—might have played a role?
Instead of accepting the thought at face value, try to see the facts of the situation as objectively as possible. Approach it like a detective or scientist—focused on uncovering the full truth. Be honest about your role in the situation, even if it's hard or uncomfortable.
You may be overestimating the impact of what you did and overlooking other influences—other people’s actions or choices, external circumstances beyond your control, or unforeseen challenges. No single action or decision exists in isolation. Acknowledging these other factors doesn’t erase responsibility for what you did, but it helps you view the situation more fairly and decide what steps—if any—you want to take moving forward.
⚒️ Focus on what you can control
You can’t change the past, but you can control how you move forward. Take a moment to reflect on what you’ve learned from your experiences and how you can apply these lessons moving forward. Maybe you see areas where you could improve or handle things differently next time. If you’ve hurt someone, consider what you can do to make amends, offer an apology, or right any wrongs. Shift your focus to the present, take responsibility for your past actions, words, or inactions, and move forward in a positive direction. Ask yourself:
🤔 What can I do right now to improve things or move forward in a better way?
This helps shift your energy toward positive action instead of getting stuck in regret, guilt or shame. Remember, it’s about progress, not perfection.
⚒️ Practice self-compassion
Instead of being hard on yourself for past actions, words, or inactions, try treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you’d offer a friend. Accept responsibility for what you did, but don’t let self-criticism or harsh judgment take over. Beating yourself up doesn’t help anyone—especially not you. Remember that being imperfect is part of being human. Everyone makes mistakes, and those mistakes don’t define who you are. Acknowledge that you did the best you could with the knowledge, resources, emotional maturity, and life circumstances you had at the time. It’s easy to judge yourself harshly when you look back, but at that moment, you didn’t have the benefit of hindsight or the personal growth you’ve gained since then.
Thinking that you "should have done better" often means you've grown and developed a stronger sense of values. Instead of turning that thought into self-criticism, see it as a sign of personal growth.
Additional tips
👉 Talk about it: Talking about what you think you could have done better with someone you trust can help you feel heard and supported. Sharing your thoughts can help you organize them and see things more clearly. Plus, discussing it with someone else might offer new insights or perspectives you hadn't thought of before.
👉 Write it down: Write down what you think you should have done better, how you feel about it, what you’ve learned, and how you plan to move forward in line with your life purpose and personal values. This helps you organize your thoughts, process your feelings, and align your actions with the kind of person you want to be.
👉 Seek professional help: As mentioned earlier, if this thought becomes overwhelming or persistent, consider speaking to a licensed mental health professional, such as a therapist or counselor. They can provide support and offer effective strategies for coping. A professional can help you work through difficult emotions and guide you toward healthier ways of thinking about yourself and your past.
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