Disappointment equals expectation minus reality
Techniques for managing disappointment and developing a more resilient mindset.
Are your expectations setting you up for disappointment?
How effective are your current techniques for handling setbacks?
Do you want to discover more effective ways to handle life’s disappointments?
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A significant portion of our happiness is influenced by our expectations. An expectation is what we think will or should happen. Reality is what actually happens. We usually want our expectations and reality to match, but often they don’t. Expectations can be unfulfilled in two ways: either something happens that we didn't expect, or something we were expecting to happen didn't occur.
When reality doesn’t live up to our expectations, we can feel disappointed, unhappy, frustrated or angry. For example, when we don’t get a quick reply to a text message, miss out on a promotion we thought we’d get, hope for a sunny day at the beach and end up with rain, or expect a fun night out with friends but find that everyone cancels at the last minute. The larger the gap between expectation and reality, the greater the disappointment, as disappointment equals expectation minus reality.
Some common types of expectations are:
👉 Anticipating an outcome: Expecting a job offer after an interview.
👉 Expectations of others: Assuming a friend will remember your birthday.
👉 Self-expectations: Believing you “should” complete a project by a set deadline.
👉 Social norms: Expecting people to say "please" and "thank you."
👉 Picturing scenarios: Imagining a perfect holiday gathering where everything goes smoothly.
We’re bad at predicting what will make us happy
We frequently believe our happiness depends on achieving certain desired outcomes or meeting specific goals. But we often have trouble figuring out what will actually make us happy. For example, we might think that getting a new job will bring us lasting joy, but once we get it, we might find that it doesn’t make us as happy as we expected. This mismatch between our optimistic expectations and reality can lead to disappointment and cause us to chase goals that don’t end up fulfilling us as we hoped.
Expectations may be unreasonably high
Sometimes, our expectations can be unreasonably high and not in line with reality. For instance, you might imagine that a vacation will be as idyllic as the glossy pictures in a travel magazine, or believe that a new gadget will instantly transform your life. Unrealistic expectations set us up for disappointment by making it inevitable that we’ll feel let down when reality doesn’t match what we imagined. Social media often exacerbates this issue by showcasing only the highlights of others’ lives, leading you to compare their best moments with your own everyday struggles. This mismatch can contribute to feelings of dissatisfaction, especially if you spend a lot of time scrolling through perfect images online.
Biases involved
👉 Optimism bias: This is our tendency to believe that good things are more likely to happen to us than they really are. For example, you might think that a job interview will definitely lead to a job offer. If you don’t get the job, you feel disappointed because your high expectations weren’t met.
👉 Loss aversion: When things don’t go as we hoped, it often feels like we’ve lost something—like not getting the promotion you were expecting or having your plans ruined by bad weather. This feeling of losing what we anticipated usually hits us harder than the happiness we would feel from a positive outcome of the same size.
👉 Black-and-white thinking: Seeing things as either perfect or a total failure can make disappointment worse by setting unrealistic expectations and ignoring any middle ground. For example, expecting a perfect birthday party or a flawless presentation makes any small problem or imperfection seem like a complete failure.
By understanding these biases, we can better navigate the feelings of disappointment that arise when reality falls short.
Be like a reed in the wind, swaying with the breeze
Our expectations are like a gentle breeze that we anticipate will steer the reed, while reality is the actual direction and force of the wind. When reality doesn’t live up to our expectations, we, like the reed, must bend and adjust. If the wind suddenly gets stronger, the supple reed bends further, adapting to the increased pressure. The reed’s ability to bend without breaking illustrates how we need to keep our expectations flexible to avoid being overwhelmed by disappointment.
How to handle disappointments
Based on the formula, you might think that setting your expectations low is a smart way to avoid disappointment and be happier. However, low expectations for yourself can actually diminish your motivation to try new things, cause you to miss out on opportunities, and stop you from reaching your full potential. It might also make others see you as unambitious. Additionally, it can lead to feeling unfulfilled and unsatisfied, and can stifle creativity and innovation since you may be less likely to take risks or aim for big goals.
A better strategy is to maintain high expectations for yourself in terms of effort and ambition while learning to handle disappointments and build resilience when outcomes don’t match your hopes. Here are some techniques to help with that.
⚒️ Become aware of your expectations
Becoming aware of your expectations is crucial for managing disappointments. Understanding what you expect helps you set realistic targets and develop effective strategies for coping with setbacks. To become aware of your expectations in a situation, ask yourself:
👉 What do I hope will happen in this situation? Identify your desired outcome to clarify your expectations, making it easier to determine if they are realistic.
👉 Why do I expect this outcome? Explore the reasons behind your expectations to assess whether they are based on past experiences, assumptions, or wishful thinking.
👉 What evidence supports my expectations? Evaluate whether your expectations are backed by concrete facts, experiences, or expert advice. This evaluation is crucial for grounding your expectations in reality, ensuring they are not just hopeful thinking but based on solid, reliable information.
👉 How would I feel if things don’t go as I expect, and how could I handle that? Anticipate both your emotional response to unmet expectations and think about how you might cope with or adapt to the situation. This helps you prepare emotionally and behaviorally.
By asking these questions, you can critically evaluate your expectations, leading to greater self-awareness and better preparation for handling disappointments.
⚒️ Focus on what is going on
While you can strive for excellence and set ambitious goals, it’s important to let go of rigid expectations about specific outcomes, especially when dealing with factors beyond your control. Instead of focusing solely on your expected end result, focus on what is going on and value and enjoy the process. This approach allows you to stay motivated and push for success while remaining open to different paths and possibilities. By releasing the need to control every outcome, you can adapt more easily to what happens, live more fully in the present, reduce stress, and find joy in unexpected moments.
For example, attending a party without specific expectations or taking a vacation without strict plans lets you fully enjoy the experience as it unfolds. By approaching life with curiosity and acceptance, rather than trying to control every detail, you can appreciate things as they are and experience life more fully.
⚒️ Practice self-compassion
When you feel disappointed because things didn’t turn out as you hoped, don’t be hard on yourself. Instead, treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer to a close friend. Remind yourself that everyone experiences setbacks and that you're not alone in feeling this way. This self-compassion helps you handle your feelings better and reduces self-criticism. By treating yourself with empathy, you build a supportive mindset that makes it easier to adjust your expectations or take effective actions.
⚒️ Reframe disappointments
Try to look at disappointing situations from different perspectives. Instead of just seeing them as disappointments, think of them as opportunities to learn and grow. For example, if you didn’t get the job you wanted, instead of viewing it as a failure, consider what you can learn from the experience—maybe you need to improve your interview skills or gain more experience in a certain area. This way, you turn a setback into a stepping stone for future success.
Another way to reframe disappointments is to see them as tests of your adaptability and resilience. For instance, if your vacation plans fall through due to unexpected circumstances, rather than feeling disappointed about the lost opportunity, you can view it as a chance to practice flexibility and find joy in alternative plans. This perspective helps you adapt to what actually happens, stay positive, and make the most out of any situation, preparing you to handle future disruptions with a more open and resilient mindset. Ultimately, happiness is about being okay with what happens.
Reframing also involves understanding that disappointments are a natural part of life and sometimes lead to better opportunities. For example, if a relationship ends, instead of seeing it as a complete loss, you might reframe it as a chance to learn more about yourself and what you truly want in a partner. This mindset helps you move forward more positively, open to new and potentially better experiences.
By reframing disappointing situations in these ways, you not only reduce the emotional impact but also empower yourself to take constructive action. You begin to see disappointments not as dead ends, but as valuable experiences that contribute to your personal growth, resilience, and future success.
Additional tips
👉 Practice gratitude: Focus on what you have rather than what you expected. Regularly acknowledging the positives in your life can shift your perspective and reduce feelings of disappointment.
👉 Accept your feelings: Allow yourself to feel and acknowledge disappointment without judgment. Recognize that it's a natural response and an important part of processing unmet expectations.
👉 Practice mindfulness: Engage in mindfulness or meditation practices to stay grounded and reduce the impact of negative emotions associated with unmet expectations.
👉 Focus on what you can control: Identify aspects of the situation you can influence or change. Concentrating on actionable steps can help you feel more empowered.
👉 Seek support: Talk to friends, family, or a counselor about your feelings. Sharing your experiences can provide comfort and different perspectives.
References
The Expectations vs. Reality Trap, Verywell Mind, by Elizabeth Scott, PhD
When Expectations Fail: Remaining Able to Bend, Psychology Today, by Dale M. Kushner
