Overcoming the fear of failure
Reframe your mindset and shift your focus to see failure as a stepping stone to personal growth.
Do you often worry about avoiding bad outcomes?
Is your fear of failure stopping you from reaching your goals?
Do you hesitate to take risks because you're afraid of what might go wrong?
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Failure is when we do not achieve something important that we want to achieve, often resulting in an undesirable outcome or falling short of a personally meaningful goal. For example, failing a test at school, a company going bankrupt, not completing a project on time or within budget, giving up on a fitness goal, or the breakdown of a romantic relationship. We try to avoid failure as it can activate painful feelings of disappointment, self-doubt, frustration, embarrassment and shame. It can damage our confidence and motivation, and lower our self-esteem.
Fear of failure is the anxiety we feel when we think about the consequences of not succeeding in an important task or goal. This fear comes from the stories we tell ourselves about what might go wrong in the future. While these worries are meant to protect us and may have some basis, they are often premature and unnecessary. Our minds tend to focus on negative outcomes due to negativity bias, and it's important to remember that the future is uncertain and unknowable. Things might go better than expected!
A deeper fear behind the fear of failure is often the fear of rejection. When we fail in front of others, we worry not just about failing but also about being judged, criticized, or rejected. This can make us even more anxious about failing, especially since social media nowadays can show our failures to everyone. When being a failure is what we fear most, such as the fear of being a loser, a good-for-nothing, or a nobody, we see failures as evidence that we are our feared self, which we regard as permanent.
Fear of failure can be a major barrier to reaching our goals as it affects the decisions we make and the actions we take. It often stops us from taking risks and makes us more likely to give up. For instance, this fear might hold us back from applying for a new job, starting a business, trying a new hobby, or asking someone out on a date. By letting fear control us, we miss out on opportunities and limit our potential. In the long run, it can lead to chronic worry and low energy levels, leaving us feeling emotionally drained and less satisfied with our lives. It's important to recognize this fear and find ways to overcome it to move forward and achieve our goals.
Don't "should" yourself
If you have a fear of failure, "should" thoughts can put immense pressure on you to be flawless. You might tell yourself, "I should never fail," or "I should always have everything under control," because the idea of failing feels like a threat to your self-worth. These thoughts can make you avoid taking risks or trying new things, as you're terrified of not measuring up. This can keep you stuck in your comfort zone, and miss out on opportunities to learn and develop, leading to a sense of stagnation and frustration.
Overcoming fear of failure
While we all want to avoid failure, especially in high-stakes jobs like surgeon or pilot where mistakes can be serious, it's important to remember that failure is an inevitable part of life. None of us are perfect. We will all fail at some point but that doesn’t make us failures. The goal is to not let the fear of failure stop us from trying. In this section, we’ll look at some strategies for overcoming the fear of failure and preventing it from holding us back. By learning how to manage and rethink our fears, we can face challenges with more confidence and resilience.
⚒️ Reframe avoidance goals into approach goals
There are two main ways to define our goals: approach and avoidance.
Approach goals focus on reaching positive outcomes, like getting a promotion, learning a new skill, or improving family relationships. When we work towards these goals, we’re usually highly engaged and motivated, with low levels of anxiety and stress. This is because we're aiming for something good rather than just avoiding failure. Achieving approach goals often makes us feel satisfied, fulfilled, and more confident.
Avoidance goals focus on preventing negative outcomes, like losing a job, failing an important exam, or avoiding arguments. When we focus on these goals, we often feel less engaged and motivated, and experience more anxiety and stress because we're concerned with avoiding problems. Struggling with avoidance goals can also lower our confidence and increase self-doubt, especially if we’re constantly worried about making mistakes or failing.
Fear of failure often leads to setting prevention goals, which can hurt motivation and increase anxiety.
To overcome this, try reframing avoidance goals into approach goals. Instead of focusing on what we want to avoid, we shift our focus to what we want to achieve and how we want to improve. For example, instead of just trying to avoid making mistakes at work, aim to produce high-quality work and learn new skills. Instead of focusing on not gaining weight, set a goal to eat healthier and get fitter. Celebrate small successes along the way to shift our focus from just avoiding failure to enjoying our progress and achievements.
⚒️ Reframe failure as an opportunity to learn
Reframing failure as an opportunity to learn can change how we handle challenges. Instead of viewing failure as a setback, we can see it as a valuable learning experience that can teach us something. When things don’t go as planned, it doesn’t feel good. But we can objectively analyze what went wrong and why, and then make adjustments to prevent similar failures in the future. For example, if we didn't do well on an exam, maybe we learned that we need to study more consistently, seek help from a tutor, or improve our time management skills.
This learning mindset makes us more resilient the next time we fail and open to new ideas, shifting our focus from fearing mistakes to learning from them. By thinking of failure as a step toward progress, we make room for new opportunities and ongoing personal growth.
⚒️ Focus on the process, not the outcome
Focusing on the process rather than just the outcome helps reduce our fear of failure. When we focus on the end result that we want to achieve, we are more likely to interpret discrepancies from the desired outcome as failures. When we focus on the steps we need to take and the actions we are working on, and therefore on the present, we feel more in control and less anxious. For example, if we focus on practicing and improving our skills every day instead of stressing over whether we’ll win a competition, we’re more likely to enjoy the experience and feel less afraid of failing. By valuing the effort and progress we’re making, we shift our attention away from possible failure and toward personal growth and achievement.
⚒️ Build confidence to handle consequences
Fear of failure often comes from worrying about what might happen if we fail. For example, we might feel embarrassed, get fired, have lower self-esteem, fail an exam, or disappoint others who will then realize that we are incompetent.
To reduce this fear, start by identifying the specific consequences that scare you the most and think about how you can handle them. Instead of convincing yourself that nothing bad will happen, focus on building confidence to manage these consequences.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
🤔 Which consequences scare me the most? Be specific about the consequences you fear.
🤔 How much impact will these consequences have on me? For example, judge if they are merely unpleasant, deeply hurtful, permanently damaging, or life-threatening.
🤔 If these consequences happen, what will I do about them? Answer “What if?” questions such as “What if I lose my job?” “What if I fail this exam?” Write the answers in the form of if-then statements: If [consequence], then I will [response]. Be specific about the responses.
Ultimately, being fearless doesn't mean never feeling fear. It means being confident that you can handle the consequences of your actions.
Additional notes
👉 Practice self-care: Treat yourself with the same care and compassion you would offer a best friend. Practice mindfulness to focus on the present and stay aware of your thoughts and feelings. Defuse or question negative thoughts and make space for difficult feelings.
👉 Develop a stress-is-beneficial mindset: recognize that stress is a natural part of life and believe that it can enhance your health, performance and productivity. This mindset helps you manage the stress that comes with fear of failure.
👉 Focus on what you can control: Concentrate on your actions and efforts, not just the outcome. You can control how you approach and handle situations.
👉 Seek support: Share your fears with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist who can offer support and encouragement.
👉 Take action: Embrace a proactive attitude and face your fears head-on. Recognize that taking action reduces fear over time.
References
How to Conquer Fear of Failure, Psychology Today, by Theo Tsaousides Ph.D.
Why Fear of Failure Can Keep You Stuck, Psychology Today, by Theo Tsaousides Ph.D.
5 Ways to Overcome Your Fear of Failure, Psychology Today, by Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D.
Three Ways to Overcome Fear of Failure, Psychology Today, by Tchiki Davis, Ph.D.
