How to have fewer regrets in life
Transform your regrets into committed actions that align with what truly matters to you.
Imagine yourself at the end of your life, and let your future self answer this question:
🤔 If I could live my life all over again, what is the one thing I would do differently?
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Regret is a self-focused negative emotion that arises from actions we took that we think we shouldn’t have taken, or from inactions we feel we should have taken. We tend to regret the things we didn't do, such as not starting our own business or not studying abroad. This kind of regret is amplified by our imagination, which often conjures up an idealised version of what could have been. Additionally, regrets often arise from decisions that compromise our personal values. While regret can motivate us to change our behaviour, we often struggle to take the initial steps to address our regrettable inactions.
What are people’s biggest life regrets?
We can gain insight into what people ultimately value by asking many individuals about their biggest life regrets and noting which ones are mentioned most frequently. This has been done numerous times, and below are the results of two of these investigations.
What We Regret Most … and Why
In 2005, some psychologists reviewed several studies that asked Americans to describe their biggest life regrets. Most of these regrets fell into one of four domains:
👉 Education: People regretted not getting enough education or not being more committed to school. They recognised that more education could have led to better financial stability, improved physical health, more stable relationships, and greater opportunities.
👉 Career: People regretted not pursuing the career they truly loved, often opting for more practical or higher-paying career paths instead.
👉 Romance: These regrets varied, such as marrying the ‘wrong’ person, not investing more effort into their marriage, doing something to hurt their partner, or letting someone special slip away.
👉 Parenting: Some parents wished they had spent more time with their children when they were young. Others, especially mothers, regretted not postponing the birth of their first child to build their careers or gain more life experiences.
The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, by Bronnie Ware
Australian death counsellor Bronnie Ware wrote the book ‘The Top Five Regrets of the Dying’, where she shares the common regrets expressed by people she cared for in their final weeks of life. The top five regrets she identified are:
👉 I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. Why didn't I just do what I wanted?
Many people spend a significant part of their lives trying to meet the expectations of others, such as parents, society, or peers, rather than pursuing their own dreams and aspirations. At the end of life, many reflect on their unfulfilled dreams and the missed opportunities to pursue what truly mattered to them personally.
👉 I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
People, especially men, often look back and wish they had not spent so much time working at the expense of spending quality time with family and loved ones. The pursuit of career success often leads to missing out on important life moments and relationships.
👉 I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppress their true feelings to avoid conflict with others. This can lead to harbouring resentment, bitterness, or a sense of having lived inauthentically. At the end of their lives, individuals often wish they had been more honest about their feelings and had expressed them openly, fostering more genuine relationships.
👉 I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Friendships often take a backseat to other priorities such as work and family obligations. As people age, the loss of connection with friends leads to feelings of loneliness and regret for not putting in the effort to maintain these bonds.
👉 I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Many people do not realise that happiness is a choice until it is too late. Regret stems from not allowing oneself to be happy, often due to fear of change, complacency, or worry about others' opinions.
These insights emphasise the importance of living a life true to one's values, balancing work with personal life, expressing emotions, maintaining relationships, and choosing happiness.
How to have fewer regrets
Here are a few techniques to reduce regret in life:
⚒️ Prioritise what is really important to you
You don't want to get to the end of your life and realise you spent your time pursuing the wrong things. To avoid regrets, it is essential to be clear about what you care about and make it your priority. Without a clear purpose guiding you, you may default to actions that seek others' approval or compromise your personal values. Reflect on questions such as:
🤔 What type of person do I want to be?
🤔 What do I want to do with my life?
🤔 What values do I want to live by?
🤔 In what direction do I want to go?
🤔 What actions do I want to make my habits?
Answering these questions can help you stay true to your own path. Make decisions that are consistent with your personal values and take actions that align with what matters to you.
⚒️ Avoid idealising the paths not taken
When regretting things we didn't do, we tend to idealise the paths not taken. Thoughts come to mind such as 'If only I had started my own business, I would be much happier now' or 'If only I had asked her out, my life would have been so much better'.
The problem with this kind of regret is that you can’t know how the paths not taken would have turned out. They might have ended in disappointment or disaster instead of bringing you happiness. Almost nothing in life works out exactly as you imagine.
Instead, it’s better to focus on your life as it is now and see if you can do something about some of your disappointments to improve its quality. Consider adopting a healthier diet, incorporating regular exercise into your routine, spending more time with loved ones, or acquiring additional skills.
⚒️ Learn from your regrets
Regret arises from reflecting on past actions or decisions that led to undesirable outcomes or missed opportunities. Here are some steps to help you learn from your regrets and transform them into action:
👉 Reflect honestly: Acknowledge the specific action or inaction you regret and why it bothers you. Consider the circumstances that influenced your action or inaction.
👉 Extract lessons: Identify the specific mistakes you made and what you could have done differently. Reflect on what values or priorities were compromised. What does this regret tell you about what is important to you?
👉 Make amends: If your regret involves hurting someone else, consider apologising and making amends.
👉 Forgive Yourself: Don’t blame yourself for past mistakes or missed opportunities. Accept that everyone makes them. Practice self-compassion and forgive yourself for what you did or didn’t do, as this is crucial for personal growth.
👉 Plan for the future (especially when you’re still young): Use your regrets to set specific, actionable goals that align with your personal values. What positive changes can you make to avoid similar regrets in the future? Develop strategies for making better decisions, such as seeking advice, gathering more information, or taking more time to reflect before acting.
👉 Take committed action: Take concrete steps to achieve your goals and improve your behaviour and decision-making processes.
👉 Review: Regularly review your progress and adjust your strategies as needed.
By following these steps, you can transform your regrets into valuable lessons that guide your future actions and decisions, helping you lead a more fulfilling and intentional life.
⚒️ Recognise unhelpful patterns
The biggest regrets typically don't result from conscious, one-time decisions like choosing which school to attend or whether to get divorced. Instead, they often stem from ongoing behaviours over time. For example, repeatedly neglecting to reconcile with a friend after a falling out, missing countless opportunities to spend quality time with family, or consistently procrastinating on important tasks in favour of trivial ones.
To keep the bigger picture in mind, it is beneficial to slow down every now and then and reassess your actions. Ask yourself if your behaviour is part of a larger pattern that you might one day regret. Consider asking yourself questions like:
🤔 Do I really want to be the kind of friend who never reaches out until they need something?
🤔 Why do I always prioritise work over spending time with my loved ones?
🤔 How will I feel about myself if I continue to procrastinate instead of pursuing my goals?
Then take appropriate actions to avoid future regrets.
⚒️ Accept unpleasant feelings
By accepting unpleasant feelings like regret, you avoid wasting mental energy fighting them. Acceptance allows you to use your energy to act in accordance with your life purpose and personal values, which reduces the likelihood of future regrets.
⚒️ Seize opportunities
Before you decide whether or not to do something, consider which choice is most likely to lead to regret. Research shows that doing nothing is usually the most regrettable. Therefore, wherever possible, say ‘Yes!’ to opportunities that align with what is really important to you.
References
Regrets of the Dying, blog by Bronnie Ware
The biggest regret of your life, Psychology Today, by Ilan Shrira
What We Regret Most … and Why, National Center for Biotechnology Information, by Neal J. Roese and Amy Summerville
How to Deal With Regret, Psychology Today, by Tchiki Davis, Ph.D.
The Top Life Regret of Dying Hospital Patients, by James Clear
How to Deal With Regret, by Mark Manson
The 6 Most Common Regrets People Experience, Psychology Today, by Adrian R. Camilleri Ph.D.
The Best Way to Handle Regret, Psychology Today, by Toni Bernhard J.D.
Regrets: Necessary for a Well-Lived Life, Psychology Today, by Jodi Wellman MAPP
