The Four Agreements
A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (A Toltec Wisdom Book)
by Don Miguel Ruiz
summarized by Adrie Kuil
Brief summary
The first agreement – Be impeccable with your word
Don’t use the word against yourself or others. Use the power of your word to share truth and love.
The second agreement – Don’t take anything personally
Everything other people say and do is because of themselves, never because of you. When you are immune to the opinions of others, you won’t be suffering needlessly.
The third agreement – Don’t make assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions, and to ask for what you want. Clear communication reduces misunderstandings and improves your relationships.
The fourth agreement – Always do your best
Regardless of how you feel, just do your best. Always doing your best liberates you from judging yourself, guilt and self-punishment.
Full summary
This summary is an informal write-up of my understanding of the key messages from the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
As a child we learn from the adults around us what to believe and what not to believe, what is good and what is bad, what is right and what is wrong. Via punishments and rewards the adults teach us what kind of behavior is or isn’t acceptable. For fear of rejection by others we pretend to be what we are not.
Eventually we become so well domesticated that we punish ourselves when we don’t follow the rules of our inner belief system. Everything we think, feel and do is judged by our Inner Judge. The part of us that receives the judgements is the Victim. The Victim says “I’m not good enough.”, the Inner Judge agrees and says “Yes, you are not good enough.”.
Ninety-five percent of our beliefs are lies, and we suffer because we believe them. These false beliefs make us live in a state of fear. They make us blind for the truth, justice and beauty that already resides within us. Because of these lies we cannot see who we really are, and we also can’t see that we are not free.
Our biggest fear is to take the risk to be alive and express what we really are. We invent an image of how we should be in order to be accepted by others. We will never be able to live up to this unrealistic image of perfection, which makes us reject ourselves. Others fall short of our expectations, as we judge them against the same image of perfection. Our problem is that we don’t accept ourselves as we are, and don’t accept others as they are.
We are looking for the freedom to be ourselves. But we stop ourselves from being free, by ruminating about the past, worrying about the future, not living in the present moment, and being afraid to express our feelings. Most of us are not aware that they are not free. The first step toward personal freedom is the awareness that your life is the manifestation of your beliefs, most of which are not true.
We are seeking the freedom to live our own life, instead of the life of our belief system. First develop your awareness of your limiting, fear-based beliefs. Then continuously practice alternative beliefs such as The Four Agreements.
The most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves, about who we are and what we believe. These agreements rule our life. To live a life of joy and fulfillment, we have to break our fear-based agreements. The Four Agreements will help us do that.
We can die at any moment. We only have the present moment to be alive. Use every moment to be happy, to do what you enjoy doing. Be yourself. Don’t try to please others. Don’t be afraid of what others might think about you. There is nothing to be afraid of. Live in the present. Happiness is a choice, and so is mental suffering.
The first agreement – Be impeccable with your word
The word is the most powerful tool that humans have. It can be used for creation, or misused for destruction. It can set you free, or it can enslave you. Opinions and ideas are like seeds that are continually being planted in the fertile ground of the human mind. Too often our mind is fertile for the seeds of fear. The word can change our beliefs for better or for worse.
Impeccability means “without sin”. A sin is anything that you believe, feel or do which goes against yourself. When you are impeccable, you take responsibility for your actions, but you don’t judge yourself, and you don’t reject yourself.
Being impeccable with your word means not using the word against yourself. Using the word against others has the same effect as using the word against yourself, because of the negative consequences it will bring you. If you love yourself, you will express that love in your interactions with others.
We often misuse the word to blame others, find fault, express anger or hate, and pull each other down. We must forgive our parents for having used the word against us, because they didn’t know the power of their words. Whenever we hear a negative opinion about ourself and believe it, the opinion becomes part of our belief system. To break unhelpful beliefs we must replace them with beliefs based on truth. The truth is the most important part of being impeccable with your word.
In our self-talk we most of the time use the word against ourselves. “I’m not good enough.” “ I’m too old.” “I never understand anything.” Your opinions are just points of view, they are not necessarily true. Become impeccable with your word, this cleans any emotional poison from your mind and from your communication with others.
Your level of self-love is directly proportional to the impeccability of your word. Make this agreement with yourself: I am impeccable with my word. This will make your mind fertile for words that come from love instead of from fear. Use the power of your word to share truth and love. Tell yourself how much you love yourself. Being impeccable with your word can lead you to personal freedom.
The second agreement – Don’t take anything personally
Whatever happens, don’t take it personally. Taking things personally is an expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that they are about us. Everything other people say and do is because of themselves, never because of you.
We all live in our own mind, and all have completely different views of the world. If people insult you, don’t take it personally. What they say and do is just a projection of how they see the world and how they feel in the moment. In the same way, whatever you say and do is a projection of your worldview and feelings. Their opinions have nothing to do with you, and your opinions have nothing to do with them. So don’t take what others think personally.
If you take emotional poison from others personally, it becomes your poison. When you are immune to the opinions of others, you won’t be suffering needlessly. Let go of the need to be accepted by others.
You only take things personally if you agree with what was said. Your feelings are not caused by the words and actions of others, but by your inner wounds that get touched by them. You hurt yourself. In the same way, the feelings of others are not caused by your words and actions. They hurt themselves.
We all see the world with different eyes. We all create our own movie. If you live with fear, you can get mad at others or hate them. If you live without fear, if you love yourself, you won’t feel negative emotions, but you will love everything that is around you.
The opinions you have about yourself are not necessarily true, so you don’t have to take these personally.
By taking things personally you set yourself up to suffer needlessly. We can never be hurt by what others say. If others lie, it’s because they are afraid you will find out they are not perfect. If you don't take anything personally, you are liberated from the opinions of others.
You are not responsible for the actions and feelings of others. You are only responsible for your own actions. You can ask others without fear of rejection or self-judgment for what you need, and say yes or no to their requests.
The third agreement – Don’t make assumptions
We have a tendency to make assumptions, and to believe they are true. Assumptions can lead to misunderstandings and problems. We make assumptions about what others think, believe these assumptions to be right, take them personally, and then react to our own assumptions!
We often don’t express what we want, because we assume our partner knows what we want. We then feel hurt or anger if they don’t do what we assumed they would do. They should know what we want, shouldn’t they?
We don’t perceive reality as it is. We only hear what we want to hear. We assume everyone sees life the way we do, and thinks the way we think. We assume everyone will judge us as we judge ourselves. We reject ourselves before others can reject us.
We make assumptions about ourselves that create inner conflict. We assume we are or aren’t capable to do certain things. We overestimate or underestimate ourselves.
Your love cannot change others. They only change if they want to. Real love is accepting others the way they are, without feeling the need to change them. Why would you be with someone who doesn’t accept you the way you are? Be what you are, don’t present a false image.
We make assumptions because we are afraid to ask questions. Find the courage to ask questions, and to ask for what you want. If you don’t understand something, ask questions until it is as clear to you as can be. Ask for what you want. You have the right to ask questions, and everybody has the right to say yes or no. Everybody has the right to ask you questions, and you have the right to say yes or no.
Clear communication reduces misunderstandings and improves your relationships. Without making assumptions, your word becomes impeccable, and you will use your word for creation, giving, sharing and loving.
Understanding is not enough, taking action is what makes the difference. Asking questions over and over will reinforce this habit until it becomes second nature.
The fourth agreement – Always do your best
The fourth agreement is about making the first three agreements work. Do your best under all circumstances, no more and no less. Your best will never be the same in each moment. By reinforcing The Four Agreements as habits, you will improve your very best. Regardless of how you feel, just do your best. Always doing your best liberates you from self-judgment, guilt and self-punishment.
You are here to live, love and be happy.
Take action because you love doing it, not because of an expected result. Don’t be attached to the result. If you like what you do, and always do your best, you will enjoy life. Accept yourself, be aware of your mistakes and learn from them. Practice, study the results, and keep practicing.
Taking action is expressing what you are. Taking action is being alive. Without action there will be no results. Do not be concerned about the future, let go of the past, and be fully alive in the here and now. Live one day at a time. Let go of whatever life takes away from you. Just love yourself, be yourself and enjoy life. You don’t need the acceptance of anyone.
Don’t expect that you will always be impeccable with your word, that you will never take anything personally again, or that you will never make another assumption. Just do your best over and over again. Practice to become better at what you do. You learn by repetition. Respect, honor and love your body.
All four agreements are fully under your control. Make this agreement with yourself: I choose to honor The Four Agreements. Be aware that wherever you go there will be obstacles. You will fall many times. Stand up each time and keep going. If you fall, do not judge yourself but be tough with yourself. If you break an agreement, begin again tomorrow.