The Coaching Habit
Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever
by Michael Bungay Stanier
summarized by Adrie Kuil
Brief summary
Managers and leaders need to coach their people. You can coach someone in ten minutes or less. Coaching should be a daily, informal act. This book gives you seven questions and the tools to make them an everyday way to work less hard and have more impact. You have to help people do more of the work that has impact and meaning. The change of behaviour that this book is about is: a little more asking people questions and a little less telling people what to do.
Full summary
This summary is an informal write-up of my understanding of the key messages from the book The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stanier.
This book gives you seven questions and the tools to make them an everyday way to work less hard and have more impact.
Managers and leaders need to coach their people. You can coach someone in ten minutes or less. Coaching should be a daily, informal act. Coaching lets you work less hard and have more impact. You have to help people do more of the work that has impact and meaning.
The change of behaviour that this book is about is: a little more asking people questions and a little less telling people what to do. To build an effective new habit, you need five essential components: a reason, a trigger, a micro-habit, effective practice, and a plan. Think about how your new habit will help the people around you. Know specifically what triggers your behaviour. Define your new habit as a micro-habit that needs to take less than sixty seconds to complete. Practice deeply by repeating the action over and over, noticing when it goes well, and celebrating success. Plan how to get back on track when you stumble.
Identify the specific trigger (location, time, emotional state, other people, or the immediately preceding action): When this happens…
Identify the specific old habit that you’re trying to stop doing: Instead of…
Define the new behaviour, one that will take sixty seconds or less to do: I will…
The new habit formula: when this happens <trigger> instead of <old habit> I will <new behaviour>.
To counter resistance against change: start somewhere easy, start small, buddy up and get back on the horse.
Ask just one question at a time, and then be quiet while you wait for the answer.
1: The Kickstart Question: “What’s on Your Mind?”
Coaching for performance is about addressing a specific problem or challenge. Coaching for development is about learning, improving and growing.
The 3P model is a framework for choosing what to focus on in a coaching conversation:
Project – the content of the situation, the stuff that’s being worked on.
People – your role in relationships that might currently be less than ideal.
Patterns – patterns of behaviour and ways of working that you’d like to change.
We are what we give our attention to. What you’re holding in your mind will unconsciously influence what you can notice and focus on.
New habit: Cut the intro, get to the point and ask the question. If necessary start with “Out of curiosity, …”
2: The AWE Question: “And What Else?”
The first answer someone gives you is almost never the only answer, and it’s rarely the best answer. When you use “And what else?” you’ll get more options and often better options. Better options lead to better decisions. Better decisions lead to greater success.
Tame the Advice Monster. Tell less and ask more. Your advice is not as good as you think it is. Even though we don’t really know what the issue is, we’re quite sure we’ve got the answer they need.
Ask the question with genuine interest and curiosity. Ask the question at least three times. Move on when it’s time.
New habit: when you want to give advice, then ask ‘And what else?’
Stop offering up advice with a question mark attached. That doesn’t count as asking a question. Offer your idea as an idea, not disguised as a fake question.
3: The Focus Question: “What’s the Real Challenge Her for You?”
When people tell you about the challenge at hand, what they’re laying out for you is rarely the actual problem. They could be describing a symptom, a secondary issue, or even a half-baked solution to an unarticulated issue. Narrow their focus. Focus on the real problem, not the first problem.
You can only coach the person in front of you, so you need to uncover the challenge for that person. Bring the focus of the coaching conversation to the person you’re talking to.
The simple act of adding “for you” to the end of questions makes conversations more development oriented.
New habit: when you start to focus on a particular challenge, ask “What’s the real challenge her for you?”
In coaching conversations with the people you’re managing stick to questions starting with “What” and avoid questions starting with “Why.” Reframe questions so that they start with “What.”
4: The Foundation Question: “What Do You Want?”
In an adult-to-adult relationship you are able to ask for what you want, knowing that the answer may be No. We often don’t know what we actually want. “What do you really want?” What we want is often left unsaid. And it’s often hard to say it in a way that’s clearly heard and understood. The illusion that both parties in the conversation know what the other party wants is pervasive, and it sets the stage for plenty of frustrating exchanges.
Wants are surface requests, they are the tactical outcomes we’d like from a situation. Needs go deeper, they are the human drivers who might be behind the want. When you ask someone what he or she wants, listen to see if you can guess the need that likely lies beneath the request. Recognizing the underlying need gives you a better understanding of how you might best address the want.
Also answer the question “What do you want?” for yourself, and tell the other person what you want.
New habit: when the conversation feels a little stuck, ask ‘What do you want?”
Don’t fill the silence that sometimes follows your question.
5: The Lazy Question: “How Can I Help?”
When you offer to help someone, you “one up” yourself: you raise your status and you lower the status of the other, whether you mean to or not. When we are in rescuer mode we’re constantly leaping in to solve problems, offer advice and take over responsibilities of others. In this way you’re limiting the opportunities for growth of those you’re working with.
The lazy question forces the other to make a direct and clear request. It stops you from thinking that you know how best to help and leaping into action.
A more direct version of this question is “What do you want from me?” It strips the conversation to the essential: What do you want? What do I want? What shall we do about that?
The goal here is to get better at having people find their own answers.
New habit: every time you get the urge to help out, ask “How can I help?”
Genuinely listen to the answer. Stay curious.
6: The Strategic Question: “If You’re Saying Yes to This, What Are You Saying No To?”
Being busy is no measure of success. The essence of strategy is choosing what not to do. What projects do you need to abandon? What relationships will you let wither? What habits do you need to break?
Stay curious before committing to Yes, which means asking more questions. Why are you asking me? What do you mean with urgent? What do you want me to take off my plate so I can do this?
Work on the stuff that matters. Say Yes to the person, but say No to the task. What impact do you want to have in and on the world? How will we win? What capabilities must be in place? What management systems are required? Choose what you will do and what you will not do.
New habit: whenever someone’s making a decision to commit to something new, ask “If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?”
Acknowledge the person’s answers, let them know that you listened and heard what they said.
7: The Learning Question: “What Was Most Useful for You?”
People start learning only when they have a chance to recall and reflect on what just happened. When we take time and effort to generate knowledge and find an answer rather than just reading it, our memory retention is increased. That’s why giving advice is overrated, and you can better ask questions and let people generate the answer themselves. Reflection is a form of practice. Interrupt the process of forgetting by asking the Learning Question.
There are a number of questions you could ask: What did you learn? What was the key insight? What do you want to remember? But the most powerful question is the Learning Question.
New habit: at the end of an exchange, ask “What was most useful to you?”
How we’re evaluating an experience is disproportionally influenced by the peak (or the through) of the experience and by the ending moments.
Stay curious, tamp down the Advice Monster and help people quickly figure out their own paths, all while sharing your own advice and wisdom in the right dosage and at the right time. The change of behaviour that’s going to serve you most powerfully is simply this: a little less advice, a little more curiosity.