How to Win Friends & Influence People
The Only Book You Need to Lead You to Success
by Dale Carnegie
summarized by Adrie Kuil
Brief summary
Humans are not logical beings. They are emotional beings, full of prejudice and motivated by pride and vanity. Instead of condemning people, try to understand them. Try to figure out why they do what they do. Give people kind, sincere, unselfish words of appreciation. The only way to influence others is to talk about what they want, and to show them how to get it. Get the other person’s point of view, and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.
Full summary
This summary is an informal write-up of my understanding of the key messages from the book How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
Herbert Spencer: The great aim of education is not knowledge but action.
We only learn by doing and reflecting on what we have done. Ask yourself: What lessons can I learn from that experience?
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Criticism makes a person defensive, arouses resentment, and doesn’t correct the criticized situation. Humans are not logical beings. They are emotional beings, full of prejudice and motivated by pride and vanity. Instead of condemning people, try to understand them. Try to figure out why they do what they do.
Give honest and sincere appreciation.
People desire to feel important and crave to be appreciated. Lack of appreciation is the main reason wives run away. Give people kind, sincere, unselfish words of appreciation.
Arouse in the other person an eager want.
The only way to influence others is to talk about what they want, and to show them how to get it. Get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own. Show others how your services or products will help them solve their problems.
Six Ways to Make People Like You
Become genuinely interested in other people.
People are interested in themselves. If you want to make friends, then do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness. Greet people with enthusiasm.
Smile.
Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you.” If you don’t feel like smiling, force yourself to smile. By controlling your actions, you can indirectly influence your feelings. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions.
Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Be a good listener.
Encourage others to talk about themselves. Listen intently, because you are genuinely interested. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that others will enjoy answering.
Talk in terms of the other person’s interests. The road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.
Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely. What can you sincerely admire about the other? Talk to people about themselves, and they will listen for hours.
How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Welcome the disagreement. You can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry. Listen first. Do not resist, defend or debate. Try to build bridges of understanding. Look for areas of agreement. Be honest. Admit errors. Apologize for mistakes. Could your opponents be (partly) right? Will your reaction reduce the problem?
Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
Our first reaction to other people's statements is focused on judgment rather than understanding. You cannot teach others anything; you can only help them to find it within themselves. If we are told we are wrong, we resent the accusation.
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Say about yourself all the unfavorable things you think the other person thinks about you — and say them before that person has a chance to say them.
Begin in a friendly way.
If you want to win others to your cause, first convince them that you are their sincere friend.
Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
Don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Keep emphasizing what you agree on. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end, and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose.
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Ask others questions and let them tell you a few things. Listen patiently and with an open mind. Encourage them to express their ideas fully. Show a sincere interest in others and their problems.
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
Make suggestions – and let the other person think out the conclusion.
Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them, any fool can do that. Try to understand them. There is a reason why others think and act as they do. Find out that reason – and you have the key to their actions, perhaps to their personality. Try honestly to put yourself in their place. How would you feel, how would you react if you were in their shoes?
Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
“If I were you I would feel just as you do.” Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are thirsting for sympathy.
Appeal to the nobler motives.
All people you meet have a high regard for themselves. They like to judge themselves as good and unselfish. A person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one. In order to change people, appeal to their nobler motives.
Dramatize your ideas.
Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth must be presented vividly, interestingly and theatrically. You have to use showmanship.
Throw down a challenge.
The way to get things done is to stimulate competition. Appeal to the human desire to excel.
Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment
Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points.
Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” and ending with a critical statement. This makes people question the sincerity of the original praise. Change the word “but” to “and”.
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person.
Begin by humbly admitting that you, too, are far from impeccable.
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
Always give suggestions, not orders. “You might consider this.” “Do you think this would work?” Asking questions not only makes an order more pleasant; it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued.
Let the other person save face.
Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face.
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement.
Why don’t we use praise instead of condemnation? Let us praise even the slightest improvement. That inspires the other person to keep on improving. The good things people do will be reinforced by praise, and the less good things will atrophy for lack of attention.
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
If you want to improve others in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait is already one of their outstanding characteristics. Give them a fine reputation to live up to, and others will make prodigious efforts rather that see you disillusioned.
Use encouragement.
Make the fault seem easy to correct. Be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the others know that you have faith in their ability to do it, and that they have an undeveloped flair for it.
Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
Be sincere. Concentrate on the benefits to the other person. Be empathic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest. Match those benefits to the other person’s want. When you make your request, put it in a form that conveys to the other person the idea that he or she will benefit personally.