Managing thoughts
We are disturbed not by what happens to us, but by our thoughts about what happens. (Epictetus)
This page brings together the main points and links to my articles about managing thoughts. Explore these ideas to learn how to better manage your inner dialogue and create a more fulfilling life. In this text, "thought" refers specifically to verbal thoughts, not visual ones.
Thoughts are strings of words we silently speak to ourselves, forming the inner dialogue or self-talk. Thoughts can be about anything—our daily tasks, the people around us, the future, memories, or abstract ideas like fairness or happiness. Many of our thoughts are about ourselves and our lives—like who we are, what we care about, what we're good at, what we find challenging, what we enjoy, and how we see the world and our place in it.
Thoughts are closely tied to cognitive distortions (unhelpful patterns of thinking), frames (mental filters for interpreting situations), mindsets (our core beliefs), and the stories we create to explain what’s happening. These ways of thinking shape how we feel, what we do, and how we respond to the world.
Some thoughts help us grow and create the life we want, such as, “I am capable of learning new skills and improving,” or “I can handle this challenge by taking it one step at a time.” These helpful thoughts make us feel better and motivate us to take action. Other thoughts can hold us back, such as, “I’ll never be good enough, so why bother?” or “Nothing will ever change, so there’s no point in trying.” These unhelpful thoughts are often not true, can make us feel worse, and stop us from acting.
Managing our thoughts begins with awareness. Ask yourself, “What am I thinking right now?” Identify unhelpful thoughts by asking, “Does this thought help me live the life I want?” or “Does this thought help me be the person I want to be?” To deal with unhelpful thoughts, remind yourself that thoughts are just thoughts—they aren’t necessarily facts. You can also question whether a thought is true, how it affects you, and if there’s a more helpful way to view the situation. Another helpful strategy is reframing—choosing to look at a situation from a different, more helpful perspective to feel better and respond more effectively.
The goal of managing our thoughts is to support our well-being and growth. By focusing on helpful thoughts and addressing unhelpful ones, we can take steps toward building the life we want.
All articles
The articles below explore approaches that may help with managing thoughts. These ideas are shared for general educational purposes and aren’t a replacement for professional advice. If a thought is causing significant distress or getting in the way of your well-being, it might be helpful to talk to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for support and guidance.
🔗 How to defuse unhelpful thoughts
Your thoughts aren’t always true. Instead of fighting with them or letting them control what you do, try to let them come and go without getting stuck on them. Create some space between you and your unhelpful thoughts, and focus on taking actions that align with what’s important to you.
🔗 Question your unhelpful thoughts: Loving What Is
Emotional pain often comes from believing your unhelpful thoughts without questioning them. You can challenge and change these thoughts by asking yourself: Is it true?, Can you absolutely know that it's true?, How do you react when you think that thought?, Who would you be without the thought?
🔗 The power of mindsets and how to change them
The way we think about ourselves and the world—our mindsets—shapes how we understand and respond to things. Building helpful mindsets can boost our well-being, make life more rewarding, and help us achieve our goals.
🔗 How to let your thoughts come and go
Don’t try to change, avoid, or get rid of unhelpful thoughts—just let them come and go while staying focused on what you’re doing.
🔗 Breaking free from cognitive distortions
Unhelpful ways of thinking, like imagining the worst-case scenario (catastrophizing) or making broad conclusions based on one event (overgeneralizing), can make things seem worse than they really are and cause negative feelings. Try to notice these patterns and replace them with thoughts that are more balanced and realistic.
🔗 Reframe to enhance your feelings and actions
We all look at things through "frames" that shape how we understand what’s happening. By learning to reframe situations, you can feel better and handle things more effectively.
🔗 Testing your stories: The importance of evidence
We often come up with unhelpful stories that aren’t based on enough facts. To see things more clearly, it helps to be a bit skeptical and check if those stories really hold up.
🔗 Disappointment equals expectation minus reality
The bigger the gap between what you expect and what actually happens, the greater your disappointment. Learning how to deal with disappointment can help you recover and move forward when things don’t go as planned.
🔗Liberating yourself from “shoulds”
Instead of focusing primarily on what you should do, pay more attention to what you genuinely want to do.
🔗Handling ambiguous social situations
Life is full of situations that can be seen in different ways. Try to reframe negative views into more helpful ones.
🔗How to stop obsessing about the future
Transform “what if” anxieties into actionable “if, then” scenarios.
The thought "I should have done better" often brings feelings of regret, guilt, or shame. We look back and wish we had been more patient, supportive, or engaged. To manage this thought, try to see the situation objectively and focus on what you can control.
References
The happiness trap, by Dr Russ Harris
Thinking, Fast and Slow, by Daniel Kahneman
Loving what is; by Byron Katie (with Stephen Mitchell)