Identify the underlying feelings and unmet needs behind any difficult or negative message you receive.

Do you struggle to respond respectfully and empathically when faced with criticism or negativity?

Have you ever found it difficult to maintain your composure when faced with disrespect or hostility?

Would you like to learn how to listen in a way that makes others feel truly heard?

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Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a way of communicating that fosters compassionate connections with yourself and others. NVC focusses on four key areas: making observations, identifying and expressing feelings, linking feelings to needs, and making actionable requests using clear, concrete, positive language. If you haven't already, familiarize yourself with the key concepts by reading ‘Nonviolent Communication: Express yourself compassionately’.  

⚒️ Listen and respond compassionately

An important aspect of NVC is listening and responding to others respectfully and empathically. Be present in the moment to truly understand what is happening and act in line with your personal values. Listen and respond compassionately by connecting with the underlying feelings and needs of the other person. Avoid giving advice, reassurance, or explaining your own position or feelings. This approach fosters meaningful connections with others.

There are four options for receiving a negative message (including someone saying 'No' or remaining silent): blame yourself and take it personally, blame the speaker, focus on your own feelings and needs, or focus on the speaker’s feelings and needs.

When receiving a negative or difficult message, regardless of how it is expressed, emphatically connect with the other person by listening for the underlying feelings and unmet needs behind the message. There's no need to agree or disagree; simply translate the message into an expression of a need. The steps for this process are described below. During this process, you may want to reflect back to the other person by paraphrasing what you have understood.

1️⃣ If necessary, check what the other person is reacting to by asking what they have observed. For example, you could ask, "Are you reacting to...?"

2️⃣ Empathically make guesses about the underlying feelings and unmet needs of the other person. Continue guessing until you fully understand them. Use the format “Are you feeling… because you want/need…?”

Examples:

The other person says,  “I won’t quit smoking!”

·       Your empathetic guess: “Are you scared to try because you don’t want to fail?”

The other person says, “It’s just like living with a wall.”

·       Your empathetic guess: “It sounds like you are feeling lonely and want more emotional contact with me.”

The other person says, “You’re a bad therapist.”

·       Your empathetic guess: “Are you feeling annoyed and wanting to see a different quality of care?”

3️⃣ Once you fully understand the other person’s feelings and unmet needs, direct your attention to what they might be requesting. Make empathetic guesses using the format “Would you like me to…?”

Examples related to the previous step:

·       “Would you like me to phone you twice a day to support you?”

·       “Would you like me to talk with you about my feelings and needs at least once a day?”

·       “Would you like me to go for a therapeutic walk with you every day around lunchtime?”

4️⃣ When you have full clarity on the other person’s feelings, unmet needs and request, check within yourself to see if you are willing to grant the request. Only grant requests willingly.

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Nonviolent communication is simple but requires practice to become a habit. Consistently translate each difficult or negative message you receive into underlying feelings, unmet needs, and requests. Accept full responsibility for your own intentions and actions, but not for the feelings of others. Always respond in alignment with your personal values. When you feel bad for failing to listen and respond compassionately, acknowledge and accept your difficult thoughts and feelings, then strive to do better next time.

References

Nonviolent Communication: A language of Life, by Marshall R. Rosenberg

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