How to shift your focus from what you think you should do to what you truly want.

How often do you do things because you feel you should instead of because you really want to?

Are you often trying to meet expectations that aren’t really yours?

Do you feel stressed because you’re focused on “shoulds” instead of what you enjoy?

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It's often not about what you do, but why you do it. There's a big difference between doing something because you feel you should and doing it because you truly want to. The more you do things you think you should do, the less time is available for the things you actually want to do. Note that alternative words for "should" include "must," "ought to," and "have to."

"Shoulding” yourself means putting pressure on yourself with demanding standards about what you should do or who you should be. These self-imposed rules trap you in a mental prison of “shoulds” and “should nots”. To stop “shoulding” yourself, let go of these unrealistic standards and be kinder to yourself, accepting that it's okay to have limitations and not be perfect.

Helpful “shoulds”

Of course not all “shoulds” are unhelpful. Many "shoulds" are valuable reminders that align with your life purpose, personal values and principles, guiding you toward the life you want to create. For example, thinking "I should eat healthier" or "I should be kind to others" can be constructive if they are realistic and not used to harshly judge yourself when you don't always meet them. And some of the things you "should" do in life are very important, such as paying your taxes on time and showing up to work regularly.

Unhelpful “shoulds”

But “shoulds” based on self-imposed demanding standards can be unhelpful, for instance “shoulds” based on:

👉 Unrealistic expectations: Setting standards that are impossible or very hard to meet, like thinking "I should be perfect" or "I should have a life purpose" can lead to frustration and disappointment.

👉 Self-criticism and self-judgment: Putting yourself down with "should" statements, such as "I should be smarter" or "I should be more attractive" can harm your self-esteem.

👉 Comparison to others: Creating expectations based on what other people do or achieve, such as "I should be as successful as my friends" or "I should be as outgoing as that person" can undermine your confidence and self-worth.

👉 Overgeneralizations: Applying a rule to all situations or expecting yourself to act a certain way all the time, like "I should always be kind" or "I should always be confident" can lead to unnecessary stress and disappointment.  

👉 External expectations: Feeling pressured to meet others' desires, like thinking "I should choose a career because my parents want it" or "I should get married by a certain age because society expects it" can lead to feeling pressured or inadequate.

The core message of all these unhelpful "shoulds" is: You need to do better and be better! Too much of this “shoulding” can make you feel drained, exhausted, stressed, guilty, ashamed, or frustrated, especially when you don't meet the demanding standards you set for yourself.

Unhelpful “shoulds” can come from your aspiration to be your ideal self (e.g., "I should always be a good parent"), fear of becoming your feared self (e.g., "I should never be indecisive"), attempts to maintain high self-esteem (e.g., "I should always be successful"),  fear of rejection (e.g., "I should always be agreeable"), fear of failure (e.g., "I should never fail"), and need for external validation  (e.g., "I should always get approval from others").

The “should” fallacy

"Shoulding" yourself happens when you put pressure on yourself with unrealistic expectations, and it's a direct example of the "should" fallacy. This fallacy, also called musterbation, is a way of thinking where you believe things "should" be a certain way or that you "must" meet certain standards, even when those beliefs aren't realistic or helpful. This kind of thinking often causes unnecessary stress, guilt, and dissatisfaction because it creates strict, often impossible standards for yourself and others.

Biases involved

When you engage in "shoulding" yourself, several cognitive biases can be at play.

👉 Black-and-white thinking: This cognitive bias involves viewing situations in black-and-white terms, without recognizing the middle ground. When you "should" yourself, you might see your choices as either right or wrong, leading to a rigid mindset where anything less than the ideal "should" is seen as a failure.

👉 Confirmation bias: This is the tendency to seek out and interpret information in a way that confirms your pre-existing beliefs. If you believe you "should" be doing something, you might selectively notice and remember information that reinforces this belief, while ignoring or dismissing evidence that suggests it's not necessary.

👉 Negativity bias: This bias makes you focus more on negative things, like your flaws and failures, leading to more self-criticism. It tries to protect you by making you think about what you "should" be doing, but this often creates unrealistic expectations, like "I should never make mistakes," that keep you stuck in a cycle of pressure and self-doubt.

👉 Social comparison bias: This bias occurs when you compare yourself to others, often leading to feelings of inadequacy. You might think you "should" do something because others are doing it, even if it's not aligned with your true desires or needs. This can create pressure to conform to external expectations rather than focusing on what genuinely matters to you.

Carrying a heavy backpack

"Shoulding" yourself is like carrying a heavy backpack filled with stones. Each "should" you add is like putting another stone in the backpack, making it heavier and harder to carry. The weight slows you down, drains your energy, and stops you from moving forward easily. To make your journey easier and more joyful, you need to take out the stones by letting go of the self-imposed "shoulds" weighing you down. This way, you can travel lighter, focus on what truly matters, and enjoy the journey more.

How to stop “shoulding” yourself

The first step to stop “shoulding” yourself is to notice when you’re doing it. Then, start focusing on what you really want to do.

⚒️ Become aware of your “shoulding” behavior

Becoming aware of "shoulding” yourself means noticing when you're making a decision or considering an action because you think you should, based on pressures you've placed on yourself.

When you’re making a choice or considering an action, ask yourself:

🤔 Am I basing this on a “should”? Check if your choice or action is driven by a “should” or if it’s something you genuinely want to do.

🤔 Is there a self-imposed demanding standard behind this “should”? Think about whether your “should” comes from unrealistic expectations, comparing yourself to others, putting yourself down, expectations from others, generalizing too much, trying to be your ideal self, or something else. 

🤔 Is this “should” based on facts or feelings of fear? Check if your “should” is based on facts (e.g., "I should pay my bills on time because if I don't, I'll incur late fees”) or on feelings like fear of rejection or fear of failure (e.g., "I should never speak up in meetings because people might think I'm not smart enough.")

🤔 Is this aligned with my life purpose, personal values and principles? Think about whether this decision or action matches what’s really important to you and if it fits with where you want to go and who you want to be.

By asking these questions, you can start to identify and let go of the "shoulds" in your life that don’t serve you.

⚒️ Focus on what you want or desire

Instead of focusing primarily on what you should do, pay more attention to what you genuinely want to do. Ask yourself what truly excites or interests you, rather than what you think you should do. Think about what activities make you feel happy, fulfilled, or curious. By focusing on your own desires and interests, you can make choices that feel more authentic and satisfying, instead of just doing what you think you should be doing.

Be aware that what you think you want is not always what you really want. For example, someone might think they want to be rich or famous, but what they really want is to feel accepted and valued by others. They might believe that wealth and fame will bring them the connection and appreciation they crave, but these deep human needs can often be met through meaningful relationships and self-acceptance instead.

Additional tips

👉 Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself while working on recognizing and changing your "shoulding" habits. It takes time, so be patient and gentle with yourself.

👉 Practice mindfulness: Pay attention to your thoughts and feelings without judgment. Mindfulness can help you become more aware of when you're placing undue pressure on yourself. Pay attention when you catch yourself saying or thinking words like "should" and "have to." Mindfully choose to do the "shoulds" that are important to you, even when you don’t want to do them.

👉 Handle difficult thoughts and feelings: Remember, "shoulds" are just thoughts like "I should..." Try to defuse or question these unhelpful thoughts and allow yourself to feel any difficult feelings that come up without letting them control you.

👉 Seek support: Talk to friends, family, or a counselor about your "shoulds." They can offer perspective and help you see things more clearly.

References

Should vs. Want: Freeing Yourself From the "Shoulding" Habit, Psychology Today, by Nancy Colier, LCSW, Rev.

Stop 'Shoulding' Yourself to Death, Psychology Today, by Nancy Colier, LCSW, Rev.

Do You 'Musturbate' or 'Should' on Yourself?, Psychology Today, by Bryan E. Robinson Ph.D.

Feeling Angry or Guilty? Maybe it's Time to Stop "Shoulding!", Psychology Today, by Clifford N. Lazarus Ph.D.

“Shoulding” All Over Yourself? When It’s Good to "Should", Psychology Today, by Laura Berger and Glen Tibaldeo

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